Wife never liked sex

@tbob

Can’t lie mate,she didn’t turn you on and you left her eventually doesn’t sound like much of a love story lol Sex is pretty important,how many ppl would get into a relationship with someone if they were told on the first date that there’d be no sex ever. I think most ppl would make their excuses and get the hell outta dodge. 

I feel compelled to reply to the unfortunate situation you find yourselves in re your wives lack of interest in sex.

I have been in two marriages; the first we had regular, fairly standard sex… not bad, but nothing out of the ordinary. She was not okay with porn, fantasy which didn’t centre around her, and particularly not with the aneros, which she falsely associated with homosexuality. We were in love - our sex was an expression of this. The sex life and our sexuality did not evolve.

my second (current) marriage. Our sex life is amazing. We share fantasies, masturbate together, I have aneros sessions with her, we include it in our love making. I don’t mean to gloat, but we are quite wild.  It has been a journey, an evolution of our sexualities which continues.

the difference here between the two and the point which I am heading towards here is that my current wife has embarked on a journey of sexual discovery within herself. My love and support has allowed this and made it possible, as has my own sexuality, interests, and effort in the bedroom. Patience, respect are wonderful but so are honesty about your expectations in marriage, needs and boundaries.

No amount of washing up dishes or back washing etc… is going to bring your wife to want sex more. It is her sexual relationship with herself which is not developed or developing. Unless she pursues this and you are able to provide loving support and non judgemental encouragement it is unlikely to improve. 
she perhaps needs to spend some time on her self image, self worth and feelings about herself and her relationship to her sexuality before thinking about sharing it with you again.

if you feel let down by the lack of sex from your wife; consider how she might feel also at the thought of not pleasing the man she married for so long.

if it is simply that she doesn’t care, and/or she is cheating deceptively then personally I would either not stay in the relationship, or take a lover outside it if you simply must stay.

however those thoughts could also just be your own insecurities messing with your head.

There is every chance that she is so estranged from her own sexuality that there is little there for her to share with you.

Posted by: @divine_o

But for some reason the idea of what constitutes love in this thread is extremely rigid.  Love is something that is so abstract that some of our best descriptions of it are found in the arts, yet some of y’all seem to have pinned the eternal question down to a simple formula: no sex = no love.  There are as many ways to love someone as there are to have an orgasm. Love can be infinite, independent of intimacy. Intimacy is one common way to express love, but lack of intimacy doesn’t mean lack of love.

I'm not an expert in sex, in fact I kind of not the most romantic specimen.  I don't consider myself an expert on the Taoist theories and practices although I do pretty good in harvesting great pleasures in the practices.  I'm not an expert on what marital sexual normalcy should be so my opinion is strictly based on my own experience and this site is the only one I know of that one can share their most inner and personal feelings without being judged so here I go.

Having been in a ‘sexless marriage‘ for 45 years (anniversary Saturday), I do consider myself an expert on the topic pertaining to my own personal situation.

After carefully reading my valued co-member’s opinions on the topic, I've come to appreciate how true the phrase ‘walk a mile in someone's shoes' as there's a bit of truth in everyone's entries but none described my situation in its entirety.

First, I've always known that my fiancé was not a sexual person.  In our relationship’s early days what struck me over and above her good looks was how smart she was.  She always seemed to have a different approach to a difficult situation.  I didn't marry her for her sexual appetite but rather because I felt (may sound cliché) she completed me.  In fact, she's always been a great sounding board for me in my management career.  The fact that she's always been an absolute great homemaker and a fantastic money manager for our family has proven to me that I couldn't have done better in my partner selection.

As a young married couple having sex once or twice a week was a real source of frustration for me and it did cause some friction so it didn't take long for me to evaluate my ‘return on investment‘.  As time progressed, her role in our relationship became more and more valuable while our marital sex was dwindling.  At 45 years married, frustration in only having sex now 3 to 4 times annually could be the same as the raw frustration of an 18-year old in a brand new marriage having to wank a few times a week to compensate but for me it's not!

I'm not frustrated, in fact, when I'm lucky enough to get lucky these days, I truly appreciate it.  My frustration has progressively diminished since I've discovered prostate play over 6 ½ years ago.  Although my wife has absolutely no knowledge of my curriculum activities and never will if I  can help it.  To her, the back door is designed for only one purpose and it's a dirty one full of germs.

In her defense, she is fully aware of her sexual appetite shortfall, she can't explain why, but she really feels bad about it.  She makes no excuses but I get the feeling she might have been on the receiving end of something a kid should never experience.  

Sure they're a few other alternatives to a sexless marriage that may include forced stress, divorce or even cheating  but considering what I have in my relationship,  those opinions are really not for me.

@divine_o is bang on; the formula of ‘no sex = no love’ does not compute in my world.  I wouldn't trade her anyone else.

I'll add one more little side tit-bit; it never seizes to amazes me how a non-sexual person like my wife could orgasm 5 to 6 times and enjoy the moment on the very few occasions we do it.  Personally, if I like something (especially sex) I tend to go for it more often and I know I'm not unique in this.

At the end of the day, life is truly wonderful!

A bit of an update; one of the awesome members here reached out to me in PM and helped me work through my dilemma. For those that say I should just dump her it's not that easy. We have a fun relationship otherwise and 23 years that I can't just throw away. I am open to an open relationship or whatever it takes to keep what we have. Of course she could decide to leave me. I just need to talk to her about it. 

It’s not just on the women. I know this isn’t sexless,but I know a guy who left his happy marriage after discovering his wife was infertile. It killed him but he wanted kids and a family and she couldn’t provide it,so he asked for a divorce.

@ggringo She isn’t on anti depression meds by any chance?

@helghast absolutely not!  We both strongly believe in avoiding taking any drugs or anything else unless it's absolutely necessary and there is no need as she keeps us both healthy.

She is the way she is just like I'm the way I am; I much prefer that than one of us pretending.   I can honestly say that we're both happy in our long relationship.

@ggringo A man after my own heart! I feel the same way about drugs!

Gringo,    you are not alone.

Began my Aneros journey 6 3/4 years ago.

Married 44 years,  now mostly sexless,  when 'lucky' maybe 6 times a year.  Cant understand how she can really enjoy sex and then shut off again.  Early marriage she had much better libido, then 3 kids, added weight, diabetes, cancer survivor,  ( anti hormone drugs to prevent re-occurrence) has really messed up her body.

A few years ago she finally told me about uncle abuse in her teens, and then a date R--- in college.

Told her about aneros, but she wants nothing to do with it.

Love her dearly and cant imagine life without her!

Thanks for sharing your story here.

cheers

@p38 thanks! 

It's amazing how people and situations are so different and yet some so alike.  This is what makes this site so special; members sharing stories and opinions they normally never would; not even to best friends.

Hormonal imbalance perhaps? That would mess up with sexual drive and desire. Not always the case, but it might be? That's the thing that's messing me up at the moment - and I have my blood tests to prove it.

Posted by: @lonewolf8

You're too wrapped up in your noble intentions to see what's happening. Look at just the facts:

She didnt turn you on sexually, you were incompatible from that side of it. You are no longer together.

What does that say? Love itself wasnt enough.

 

 

 First off, sex was n't the reason we broke up. Wer'e still great freinds. This thread was started by someone who has been with his wife for 46years, and is still with her. Not sexually compatible at all so it seems. I have to remind myself that I'm on a forum with people for whom sex is very important to there life. Maybe he's like me, I love my sex with myself so sex with my partner wasn't that important. If you take a step back that could be said for every person who has a partner and still masturbates.

46years  Love is not enough. Really 46years,  guess he took his vows seriously. I for one really hope they work it out. Nothing would please me more. 

@reddog152 cool! I recommend reading the ethical slut. Hope things work out.

Posted by: @helghast

Ppl are quick to use the label asexual. Sexless marriages don’t necessarily contain asexual ppl and it shouldn’t be an issue if the asexual party or parties have been upfront about that at the beginning of the relationship and the other party accepts it. No,sex isn’t everything but it’s a huge part of a relationship and someone shouldn’t have to miss out on such a natural wonder of life due to pride or doing the right thing.

The stadium is on it's feet and cheering a big hell yeah, but it sure isn't simple. My wife pulled the "asexual" card on me after rejecting me for the first four or five years of marriage. I called BS then because I knew better in her case. Later, her brother's girlfriend broke up with him because he "wouldn't man up" and bang her like she wanted.  He also thought he must be asexual. I don't know what kind of trauma follows this family around, but it has played out across generations(siblings,aunt, cousin, grandparents, who knows how far reaching,  it is a small family)...had I been aware of 1/10th of it, i would have made some different decisions years ago, but now to say that is like saying i wish my kids didn't exist, and love them all more than anything. 

I don't believe for two seconds that is what they are (unless I am mistaken on meaning). I see extreme social anxiety, awkwardness, and serious lack of confidence. When you grow up with no chores, no real moral purpose other than a screwed up version of a faith they were raised in, their only job was to make grades in school. They never learned that rejection is okay, you don't have to pretend you know about something, or to just go along with something like reckless drug use or even ideas that they don't understand. Go along to get along and pretend to fit in. Then when that gets too much to shoulder, SSRIs will take care of it. Not confident that those drugs help at all, but I work with my hands.

This lack of confidence landed her brother in a heap of trouble, not going to expand on that one. But it feels to me like marriage was treated just like every other peer pressed experience in my wife's life. All the other girls in our worship community were getting married, gotta go with that. I have long since been baffled by her, I fee like she is on a spectrum somehow. Brilliant at making A grades in whatever advanced level, but entirely incapable of seeing the obvious right in front if her face. This sometimes comes across like walking through life numb. I could give many examples, but one that stands out is trying to be a gentleman is a waste. I obviously catch a door for her and she would walk through the other door, not understanding I want to take her coat or help her put it on, not understanding I am pulling a chair out for her instead of myself. Very little social awareness even when I tell her what I was doing. Sex is no different.  There is no feeling or passion, only motions to numb off to and go through, so still, this many years in, there is very little she will do without me asking or guiding, and then it feels like guilt in her hands. I honestly believe she had no earthly idea what marriage was about. The entirely of sex education from her mother was "we don't," and she didn't rebel against it.

She is capable of enjoying sex, but her general M.O. has been to treat it like it is wrong and she has to stop it. She doesn't have the maturity to understand that the human body has smells and that's okay, but take a shower if you are uncomfortable already. If that's the line between happy or miserable marriage, take a shower. I would take two a day if I thought I could get a blowjob out of the deal! She still can't get past thinking pleasure is wrong. 

It is odd all of the things that were hidden or pretended before we tied the knot. 

Lot of posts on this thread...it obviously strikes some nerves. 

Btw, I have wondered about open marriage. Besides the fact that she would never in a million years agree to that, I don't want that. I may just be a fool, but I want her. A thing else would be nothing more than a substitute (like I wanted a dog for a pet but was given a goldfish). I am not sure i could experience good sex and not fall in love.

It is okay if y'all think i am nuts and tell me straight to my face!

@Regal13 I get you! I love just doing stuff for my wife; make meals (almost all of them) do the dishes, try to keep the house somewhat clean, etc. When it comes to the bedroom though it seems like it's an afterthought. I thrust in an attempt at getting deep and she won't take the clue to rotate her pelvis to allow me deep access. This usually wrecks my boner and then she's upset because I can't keep it up. This is the thing that makes me the most upset about the potential cheating. She could be getting wildly fucked and enjoying it with him while I get lukewarm poon. Don't get me wrong, I still love her but we have a lot of work to do! Sorry if this rambles a bit, long night at work and the beer hit really well. 

Posted by: @regal13

It is odd all of the things that were hidden or pretended before we tied the knot.

This for me seems to be a big problem with traditional marriages: you cannot be sure you are a sexual match with a person if you haven’t had a bunch of sex together (or not, depending on your needs).

As for open relationships, sure they are not for everyone. And there are plenty of open-relationship imbalances and problems as well.  

I know a guy in an open relationship who does nothing with others because he just wants to have sex with his wife. They have almost no sex, though she sees other people (she is bi and only sees women/non-binary folk). This crushes him, because he desires her so much, but at the same time I understand why she would not want to sleep with him anymore: they work together and live together and raise kids together, the holy trinity of desire-killing routine.

I’ve known folk in open relationships that broke up soon after opening up, but in that case they were bound to break up anyways and the last ditch attempt of saving their relationship didn’t work.

And then there is my open relationship which is too complicated to talk about here in detail. Essentially my wife and I have been in an open relationship since the beginning, but she decided to close the relationship a bit very recently.  Basically she is now fine with me sleeping with others but doesn’t want me to have a continued relationship with another person. I don’t like hook ups, because if the sex is good I wanna do it again and again, and if the sex is bad, well, what’s the point?  In the future she is open to the idea of our original configuration, especially if our relationship presents sexual imbalances, but right now because we moving to a small conservative town together (fear of gossip), because she doesn’t have time or energy to see other people, and because she never wanted to marry or live with a man in the first place (she’s very independent and a feminist), she wants to set the rules of the relationship on her terms. I respect that, even though I have trouble understanding and I would like to see other people, because well heck, variety is awesome. But I love her more than anything, and if our relationship does become sexless (unlikely but who knows what age and hormones will do) I would continue to love her, with the condition that I could see other women in a long-term manner the way I like. 

@reddog152 

May I suggest that you try cowgirl position? My wife prefers it (although I've had erection issues and it's better for your hardness factor to be on top, she will find it more stimulating. In our sessions (unless she is feeling tired and wants to indulge me but not expecting an orgasm herself [she finds it hard to orgasm with me on top]) we always start with her in cowgirl and flip positions after she's had an orgasm or a few.

During the foreplay, I move her leg to nestle my perineum and making out starts the aless prostate orgasms. I have commented during such that I only wish I could make her feel the kind of pleasure I am experiencing. As time has gone on, she now kind of revels in the knowledge that she does that to me and it has helped resurrect our sex life. Her sexual appetite is still lower than mine and likely always will be, but I can gladly do the once weekly or once every 2 weeks with Aneros thrown in once or twice a week. 

Thank you to all who have shared the raw frustrations of sexless or almost sexless marriages. I sincerely feel for your pain, and it has helped me realize that "not often enough" is more often than many get. And to iterate what a few have said, when you have an amazing wife in many ways - one which you simply cannot imagine existence without, there are compromises that sometimes have to be made. In a perfect world, an explanation of our needs to the fairer sex would suffice, but we know all to well that they are a far more complicated package than that. At least Aneros helps in the sanity department!

Posted by: @pablito1963

@reddog152 

May I suggest that you try cowgirl position? My wife prefers it (although I've had erection issues and it's better for your hardness factor to be on top, she will find it more stimulating. In our sessions (unless she is feeling tired and wants to indulge me but not expecting an orgasm herself [she finds it hard to orgasm with me on top]) we always start with her in cowgirl and flip positions after she's had an orgasm or a few.

During the foreplay, I move her leg to nestle my perineum and making out starts the aless prostate orgasms. I have commented during such that I only wish I could make her feel the kind of pleasure I am experiencing. As time has gone on, she now kind of revels in the knowledge that she does that to me and it has helped resurrect our sex life. Her sexual appetite is still lower than mine and likely always will be, but I can gladly do the once weekly or once every 2 weeks with Aneros thrown in once or twice a week. 

Thank you to all who have shared the raw frustrations of sexless or almost sexless marriages. I sincerely feel for your pain, and it has helped me realize that "not often enough" is more often than many get. And to iterate what a few have said, when you have an amazing wife in many ways - one which you simply cannot imagine existence without, there are compromises that sometimes have to be made. In a perfect world, an explanation of our needs to the fairer sex would suffice, but we know all to well that they are a far more complicated package than that. At least Aneros helps in the sanity department!

Fantastic post, thanks!

Ploy and open relations are often unbalanced. I think they work for a select few and you have to be a special type of person to get along with them.