Wife never liked sex

Hi and welcome! 

Where is she in the discussion? Does she have desire to give it a go? I highly recommend seeing a qualified sex therapist if that is an option, someone who can guide you two, given your long hiatus and her lack of interest all this time, as well as her never having orgasmed.

Posted by: @jackwhite184

I have been married to the same women for 46 years. She is 65. She has never liked sex and never had a orgasm. I stopped bothering her 11 years. We have started talking about it again lately and I need some advice on things to try. Washing the dishes, washing her back and everything in between hasnt worked. She has never had a orgasm and she dont seem to care. Help

Your situation sounds like mine. My wife was never sexual. In 50 +years of marriage, I could count the times she initiated sex on the fingers of both hands. We haven't had piv sex in 6 years and she stopped me from giving her oral 5 years ago.  I really loved getting her off orally. I'd rather eat her than screw her. I got so turned on while eating her one time that I came hands free. She had come so hard that it made me come at the same time. Now, she just loves to hug and cuddle, but that's as far as things go. I guess it's better than nothing.  I have turn to Aneros and other toys for sexual release through prostate and anal orgasms.

Posted by: @divine_o

Hi and welcome! 

Where is she in the discussion? Does she have desire to give it a go? I highly recommend seeing a qualified sex therapist if that is an option, someone who can guide you two, given your long hiatus and her lack of interest all this time, as well as her never having orgasmed.

 I concur.  I have to ask, can she get herself off?Does she like physical contact at all like hugging, kissing?  

Over ten years and I could count the times my wife initiated sex without no hands or fingers. Painful subject. It took me five years and three kids to get her to even touch me. Another three years before she could touch me as if I were not radioactive waste. At least another two years to get her to actually do anything while touching me. Deer in the headlights response from day one. Sexually paralyzed. Some times I think there is some progress, but it just doesn't play out. 

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but marriage has been the biggest disappointment of my life. It could change, how much depends on her and she just doesn't get it. 

Sex With Emily podcast should give you some ideas. Shameless Sex, divine couples naomi Slater are all good places to start.

Bro,I’m just going to say this straight,at 65 and post menopause I presume,it’s very unlikely there’s any way back for someone who’s never liked/been interested in sex or even had an orgasm back when they had high sex hormones and fertility.  I’m not sure what you mean about talking about it again,that doesn’t make much sense from the description you give of her but the phrase “she doesn’t seem to care” speaks volumes. 
Maybe it’s time to give it up and not letting yourself be tortured by it. 

@helghast Reading you many posts about your sexual adventures with your wife, you are one lucky devil. If I had a wife like yours, I'd worship her everyday and let her have her way with me in anyway and at any time she wanted. 

@studmouse47 Amen to that!

My marriage is largely sexless as well. Didn't used to be that way but I think infertility on my part put a zap on the whole thing. I tried recently to get her involved in my prostate practice but wouldn't you know it, she got a cold on the night we were supposed to play. I played it out for her that I'm multi-orgasmic and how much it would mean for me to have her participate in that miracle so you'd think she'd be enthusiastic to see what I can do and what we could do together. On top of it all, I'm fairly certain that she's cheating on me. I have thought a lot about the possible cheating and I have come to the conclusion that I'm OK with it for some strange reason. I know, I'm fucked up...You all are the first people I've ever told about my suspicion. 

@reddog152 there are many people in open relationships who prefer things that way.  it allows for all sorts of configurations that can relieve sexual frustrations. If your wife is indeed cheating on you and if you don’t care, it seems like the best would be for you two to talk about it (again I think relationship counseling is the best, because it allows for a cool-headed mediator to help guide you).  Maybe you both could see other people without sneaking around, something that could possibly relieve the sexual tension on your end.

Anyways for all y’all in sexually unbalanced relationships, communication is the only way you’ll know what is wrong and possibly solve the problems. A lot of people block up with communication which is why it helps to have a qualified third person in the room.  I think anything is worth a shot if you want to remain with your partners, because it can’t hurt and the alternative is sexual frustration for the rest of your lives, without having gone the whole nine yards in finding some sort of satisfying resolution. I know it is easier said than done, as I was in a sexless relationship for a brief year long period and it was really hard.  It was a sex-fueled relationship that fizzled to nary a spark on her side over 3 years. We broke up so it never got to the point of counseling, but after the break up I learned all the reasons why the sex stopped (though the signs were blaring in front me all along, including her essentially telling me over and over what was wrong out of the bedroom, without me wanting to hear or change, and her basically losing all desire because of that).

@helghast I have to disagree with this bleak outlook on their sexual situation, if they haven’t yet been to therapy.  Many women have late-in-life sexual renaissances.  Also so many women block up sexually because of past sexual trauma, which is something individual therapy can help with.

Posted by: @divine_o

@reddog152 there are many people in open relationships who prefer things that way.  it allows for all sorts of configurations that can relieve sexual frustrations. If your wife is indeed cheating on you and if you don’t care, it seems like the best would be for you two to talk about it (again I think relationship counseling is the best, because it allows for a cool-headed mediator to help guide you).  Maybe you both could see other people without sneaking around, something that could possibly relieve the sexual tension on your end.

I'd suggest that the marriage is over and there is a desperate need to file for divorce.

This is beyond matters of open relationships, in my opinion.

When you marry, you are supposed to trust and support each other. If you two can't trust each other (to not cheat, or to not break up if cheating is occurring) then how can you trust each other and be lifelong partners in matters such as finance, medical (looking after each other if one is hospitalised), death, family and so on?

To paraphrase a well-known saying: "i'm not angry that you cheated, I'm angry that you did and you kept it from me / lied to me about it and that I cant trust you antmore". Once someone does that, you cant really trust them to make decisions that have your best interest at heart.

@reddog152, it sounds to me that you didnt sign up for marriage that included cheating. It seems to be that you are not happy with the situation, and I think divorce is what you are heading for. We only have one life, it's important to find someone that is as enthusiastic about things as you are.

@divine_o Thinking about the last sentence of your post, I often wonder if there wasn't some kind of sexual trauma or something else in their upbringing that gives a woman a negative view of sex. Perhaps overly religious parents or a mother who has a negative opinion of sex. My wife told me that she would often spend summers with her two old maid aunts. Did that have an effect on her?  Her third aunt was married to a religious, domineering man and her female cousin is one of the most screwed up woman I've ever met. There could be many reasons that the male in a sexless marriage could be unaware of. I've been reluctant to pry into that aspect of my wife's past in fear of opening a pandora's box. At this stage and age in my life it's not worth the risk of opening that box.

@divine_o It’s not bleak,it’s realism. And I totally disagree with ‘many’. They are a minority,the majority have had sex throughout their lives. After a lifetime of nothing,no interest etc It will be a long road.

Posted by: @reddog152

My marriage is largely sexless as well. Didn't used to be that way but I think infertility on my part put a zap on the whole thing. I tried recently to get her involved in my prostate practice but wouldn't you know it, she got a cold on the night we were supposed to play. I played it out for her that I'm multi-orgasmic and how much it would mean for me to have her participate in that miracle so you'd think she'd be enthusiastic to see what I can do and what we could do together. On top of it all, I'm fairly certain that she's cheating on me. I have thought a lot about the possible cheating and I have come to the conclusion that I'm OK with it for some strange reason. I know, I'm fucked up...You all are the first people I've ever told about my suspicion. 

@Reddog152 Dawg,I’m telling you this as a friend. Just throw some man up this,sit her at a table and ask her to discuss the way forward. If she doesn’t want you,or want to make it work,then she should walk. Really,this should have been done along time ago by any guys in sexless relationships. If she wants to stay with you but needs a bit on the side,tell her you’re ok with it if it’s in the open. Maybe it could be used to spice up you’re own love lives together. The option of fixing or walking will galvanise action one way or the other,the biggest takeaway for you will be that you’ll know exactly where you stand. 

@lonewolf8

I largely concur with this. Its not defo over but it’s not in great shape either. He suspects cheating but she’ll have to admit it or be caught,then they’ll have to figure out why and if it can be fixed. Even on dawgs side,not caring of your wife is cheating isn’t great. Hopefully we’ll hear more when it all comes out in the wash. 

@studmouse47 I think there are so many reasons for trauma, all those that you said are plausible, and throw in the rape statistics, daily abuse statistics, and gender imbalance in general and you have tons of women who are either done with sex or done with men.  I know several women who have given up on men. I know a woman who gets no sexual pleasure after sexual violence from her childhood. I also know women who have endured horrendous sexual violence and who still have a joyous sexuality. The only thing that I can retain from the variety of situations is that when someone has a problem with their sexuality that they want to solve, therapy can possibly help. 

@helghast sure, replace “many” with “some,” I don’t mind, I have no statistics to back up that arbitrary semantic decision. But I still think it is pessimistic to give up without trying therapy.  If they try, the worst thing that could happen is it doesn’t work, and anything else would be an improvement.

@lonewolf8 while I do agree somewhat about lying and what that says about the foundation of a relationship, there are so many reasons people cheat on their spouses and lie about it.  Sometimes that is what is saving the couple, as it can bring balance back where there is imbalance. Each situation is different, and to say that any cheating should lead to divorce is a bit short-sighted.  We are complex being that have complex needs. I know couples that have opened their relationships mid marriage. Others that have closed after being in an open relationship. The problem is most people don’t ask these sorts of questions in the beginning of their relationships, and when the questions arise they have been together for so long they are scared to ask.  I have no idea what reddog or his wife wants, but I can imagine a situation where they open up their relationship with honesty, and no trust is lost and there is no longer reason for anyone to lie.

I have been following this thread and I have to say I am intrigued that, for a first post by its author on this Aneros forum, it mentions neither Aneros nor prostates. Also, there has been no follow-up by the OP to the replies. Maybe the post is genuine, maybe it is not, although I don't doubt that such cases exist unfortunately far too often

If the post is indeed genuine, @divine_o's advice of seeing a professional seems bang on to me. On the other hand, I totally agree with @helghast that the chances of improvement are very very slim, to say the least, with a 65 year old anorgasmic woman who never liked sex and after 11 sexless years. At that age, and after so long without sex, the muscles necessary to enjoy it must be severely atrophied, and she would probably be dry as sandpaper. Maybe non-penetrative activities would be the best bet, at least to begin with... if she is willing.

Posted by: @divine_o

 

@lonewolf8 while I do agree somewhat about lying and what that says about the foundation of a relationship, there are so many reasons people cheat on their spouses and lie about it.  Sometimes that is what is saving the couple, as it can bring balance back where there is imbalance. Each situation is different, and to say that any cheating should lead to divorce is a bit short-sighted.  We are complex being that have complex needs. I know couples that have opened their relationships mid marriage. Others that have closed after being in an open relationship. The problem is most people don’t ask these sorts of questions in the beginning of their relationships, and when the questions arise they have been together for so long they are scared to ask.  I have no idea what reddog or his wife wants, but I can imagine a situation where they open up their relationship with honesty, and no trust is lost and there is no longer reason for anyone to lie.

I think you are focusing way too much on open marriage. Are you a proponent of it by any chance?

My reading is that reddog does not want / did not want an open marriage. This seems like a case of incompatibility. Should they stay in an incompatible marriage? I'd argue that they shouldn't.

@lanoix

See,I didn’t read the post like that. I read he stopped bothering her after 11 years of marriage. It is kind of strange for a first post but it is what it is I guess.

@lonewolf8 I have no idea what reddog wants. I don’t know how you do. But when someone is ok with their partner seeing someone else, it is a sign that open marriage is a possibility. 

I think open relationships should be a possibility for anyone, just as monogamy should be a possibility. I don’t think either work for everyone. I do think that most monogamous people never seriously consider polyamory, and take their monogamy for granted until it blows up in their face.

You say it is an incompatible marriage. Well again it is more complicated. One aspect of their marriage, their shared sexuality, is apparently not working, but neither of us know what the rest of the marriage is like. Marriages don’t stand on sex alone. Otherwise divorce rates would be much higher.  And it is possible to be in love with someone and not share a sexual connection, with each partner enjoying their sexuality with others.

Posted by: @divine_o

@lonewolf8 I have no idea what reddog wants. I don’t know how you do. But when someone is ok with their partner seeing someone else, it is a sign that open marriage is a possibility. 

I think open relationships should be a possibility for anyone, just as monogamy should be a possibility. I don’t think either work for everyone. I do think that most monogamous people never seriously consider polyamory, and take their monogamy for granted until it blows up in their face.

You say it is an incompatible marriage. Well again it is more complicated. One aspect of their marriage, their shared sexuality, is apparently not working, but neither of us know what the rest of the marriage is like. Marriages don’t stand on sex alone. Otherwise divorce rates would be much higher.  And it is possible to be in love with someone and not share a sexual connection, with each partner enjoying their sexuality with others.

Divorce rates might be increasing (among other dozens of reasons) possibly because of the hypergamy and open / polyamory. Think about it - a guy wants to be with his wife, but his wife is not interested in sex with him, but she wants to have sex with many other guys. But men put up with it because it might be harder for them to enter the dating pool again, so... they are stuck in a horrible marriage, all the while they are being told "open relationships are ok". The same can happen with the men being in polyamory, they might want other ladies, but his wife is too insecure or shy to enter the dating pool.

I might sound a bit bitter, but in reality I'm really not, and I've never experienced any of this, however I've seen too many bad things happen on reddit's r/sex and r/relationship_advice, that I worry this might be a more common trend 🙁

In any case, there are many other reasons for divorce rates being high, and lots of those can be placed firmly at the men in those relationships (also from reading people's experiences on reddit). It's definitely not a one-sided thing.

"And it is possible to be in love with someone and not share a sexual connection, with each partner enjoying their sexuality with others."

That's called being friends.

"Marriages don’t stand on sex alone." True. However if there is no sex, it breeds resentment in the one that wants the sex but isnt getting it. I was trying to find a particular quote, but settled on this quote: "Sex is not marriage but sex is part of marriage.”

"But when someone is ok with their partner seeing someone else, it is a sign that open marriage is a possibility. "

I think open marriage and polyamory is fairly rare. Cheating more common. I postulate that the problem may be that it's not so much about wanting to have as many partners as possible, but rather that there was an incompatibility (or no love) in the relationship and that things wouldn't have worked out, and that's why people are looking to escape to find someone else / in addition. An open marriage in that situation just seems like a band-aid to cover up the actual problems in the relationship in the attempt to keep things going while the married couple is unhappy.

I think reddog was not being literal when he said that he's ok with it, or that he wasnt absolutely ok with it, he might be resigning reluctantly to the possibility of being stuck in a marriage with no sex because he feels he's powerless, see his quote:

"I have thought a lot about the possible cheating and I have come to the conclusion that I'm OK with it for some strange reason. I know, I'm fucked up.."

Just because someone relents, doesn't mean they were absolutely happy with the result. It might be that they have just given up fighting due to desperation.

Note: With apologies to reddog, I'm interpreting and reading between the lines a lot here and I could be off-base.

Just to add, yes I concede that open marriage could work for some.

I just don't think it's fair to reddog that you are trying to sell open marriage to him:

Posted by: @divine_o

there are many people in open relationships who prefer things that way.  it allows for all sorts of configurations that can relieve sexual frustrations. If your wife is indeed cheating on you and if you don’t care, it seems like the best would be for you two to talk about it (again I think relationship counseling is the best, because it allows for a cool-headed mediator to help guide you).  Maybe you both could see other people without sneaking around, something that could possibly relieve the sexual tension on your end.

If she's cheating, and he doesn't care, why wouldn't he get a divorce and find someone that would treat him right, and be as exited to do prostate stuff with him?

He already said she rebuffed him with the prostate session.

@lonewolf8 

reddit relationship advice isn’t the best place to glean stats about relationships. That’s where people go when they have problems, not when everything is going just dandy.

I think the amount of people in functional open relationships is something around 5%, I heard that recently from a supposedly smart person in a Ted talk. It’s not a lot, but it is also not representative of the desires of everyone, as society is more accepting of monogamy and most people don’t even question their monogamy. Cheating happens all the time for many reasons, but again often it is because people haven’t questioned monogamy and they see no other way to express themselves sexually without doing it behind their partners back. When you cheat it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re no longer in love with your partner. It just means you haven’t figured out the right relationship configuration.

and open marriage can be a bandaid but it can also be a solution. If you don’t know people in open relationships I highly recommend reading up on success stories.  I never said reddog SHOULD be in an open marriage. I said that he should communicate with his wife, and that an open relationship COULD be a possibility. He’s an adult who will make his own decisions. There is no fair or unfair here. 

i disagree re love without sex = friendship.  That means asexual couples aren’t in love. That means the men here who are in sexless marriages aren’t in love.  Speak up all you men in sexless marriages, is it without love that you stay by your wives’ sides?

So much work to do. So much fun getting distracted on the forum. Thanks guys 🙂

Posted by: @divine_o

i disagree re love without sex = friendship.  That means asexual couples aren’t in love. That means the men here who are in sexless marriages aren’t in love.  Speak up all you men in sexless marriages, is it without love that you stay by your wives’ sides?

ah, I have missed the asexual aspect of this. I'm not asexual, so I don't really know how to think about it, often forgetting about it. I wonder if what was on my mind was that it's only a friendship if one is asexual and the other in the couple is not. Then it's unrequited. A couple that are both asexual will less likely cheat or look for other sexual partners? Does a fully asexual open marriage (where EVERYONE (more than 2 people) involved is asexual) exist?

Ppl are quick to use the label asexual. Sexless marriages don’t necessarily contain asexual ppl and it shouldn’t be an issue if the asexual party or parties have been upfront about that at the beginning of the relationship and the other party accepts it. No,sex isn’t everything but it’s a huge part of a relationship and someone shouldn’t have to miss out on such a natural wonder of life due to pride or doing the right thing. There’s many reasons. I’m not usually one to be brutal,but for all we know, the op’s wife never had an o because he never gave her one. Maybe she has em alone. Maybe she just doesn’t like sex with him. He could be useless at sex,it’s not impossible. I was puzzled at the question about how to get sex from his wife as washing the dishes didn’t work.  Like most of these posts,there isn’t enough information available.

 This really comes down to respect for your partner. Respect for your relationship. Wouldn't have these problems if respect, was properly established in the beginning, and cultivated over time. I can honestly say I have never had a bad break up, because honest communication was established out of the gate. Seems to me that one of your goals in a relationship, is a want to bring your partner joy. And if yoo or your partner lose the desire to do that, its time to leave. Sometimes out of respect for your self, other time out respect for your friend. My friendship has several times superceeded the relationship. So can they regain respect? Who knows, attitude matters.

Posted by: @divine_o

i disagree re love without sex = friendship.  That means asexual couples aren’t in love. That means the men here who are in sexless marriages aren’t in love.  Speak up all you men in sexless marriages, is it without love that you stay by your wives’ sides?

I read that ancient Greek had five words for "love": filial love, erotic love, matrimonial love, friendship etc. The problem is that English conflates all these into one single word. You love your parents, you love your wife, you love your dog and you love pizza. So which love are we talking about here?

Maybe we can draw a distinction between "loving" and "being in love". In my opinion, a woman who does not want you to jump her bones may possibly love you, but she is certainly not in love with you. So I would agree with @lonewolf8 that married couples where both are "in love" don't have sexless relationships, medical problems aside. This also implies that past the menopause, very few women are "in love" with their partners, because the sexual desire is gone with their hormones.

I was speaking to a doctor (general practitioner) recently who told me that the vast majority of his female patients had no interest in sex after 50 years old. I certainly see many single older women who seem quite happy to live sexless solitary lives. They don't teach you that stuff when you are a young man, eh?

Posted by: @lanoix

This also implies that past the menopause, very few women are "in love" with their partners, because the sexual desire is gone with their hormones.

They will be in love,as it’s made up from more than just sex. Menopause is natural and part of life. If a couple had a normal sex life before,it shouldn’t be seen as a sexless marriage. The problem is when this has been going on back when everyone was young and fertile. If mine has no interest after menopause,I won’t be disappointed in her,I had my fun. Oh,and I’ll still have my A-Less,so I’ll be o’ing until me deathbed 🙂

This is a forum where men get together and talk about how they have turned the paradigm of male pleasure on its head. We have debunked the idea that orgasms require ejaculation or even an erection. We have an entire jargon to describe sexual practices that most would describe as deviant at times, non-sexual at others.  There is talk of chakras, of meditation, of life changing journeys… a far cry from the typical conversations I have with most men in my life with regards to sexuality.

But for some reason the idea of what constitutes love in this thread is extremely rigid.  Love is something that is so abstract that some of our best descriptions of it are found in the arts, yet some of y’all seem to have pinned the eternal question down to a simple formula: no sex = no love.  There are as many ways to love someone as there are to have an orgasm. Love can be infinite, independent of intimacy. Intimacy is one common way to express love, but lack of intimacy doesn’t mean lack of love.

I was with a women that didn't turn me on sexually, we had ok sex, but that wasn't what I loved about her. Her good heart radiaded love, made ya really feel love, and made you feel happy she loved you. I loved her and I had to let her go because I felt she deserved better. She'll never know that, thats what love is, to me. My point is there is love out there that supercedes sex

Posted by: @tbob

I was with a women that didn't turn me on sexually, we had ok sex, but that wasn't what I loved about her. Her good heart radiaded love, made ya really feel love, and made you feel happy she loved you. I loved her and I had to let her go because I felt she deserved better. She'll never know that, thats what love is, to me. My point is there is love out there that supercedes sex

You're too wrapped up in your noble intentions to see what's happening. Look at just the facts:

She didnt turn you on sexually, you were incompatible from that side of it. You are no longer together.

What does that say? Love itself wasnt enough.

I'd argue that most people that desire a relationship in the traditional sense of the word desire a sexual relationship. The exception is asexual people.

If you are not asexual, and you want a partner, would you really settle for no sex? Would you want to live with someone and kiss them and cuddle them and listen to all their woes and be their life cheerleader, only for them to say "sorry, I dont want sex with you ever. I only want sex with these two dudes I met in the bar tonight." Would that be enough for most people? Would you be happy if someone told you "but she loves you! it can work, just stay with her while she gets sex from others, it's the love that counts" ? Would you really do this, knowing that you have one life, and that there might be someone out there that would love you for who you are to your core, be excited to see you, and would totally jump onto you to have sex any chance they could get?

"love without sex = friendship" or a platonic relationship. Unless you are asexual, I don't think that's what you really want.