Sexless Marriage

Yup!  Sex life started OK, (not great, not good) and slowly declined to a very few times a year and this after almost 44 years married.

Aneros has been a great substitute for me.  The forum has provided me with numerous ways of enjoying prostate and penile pleasures I could ever dream existed.  

I'm not one to seek relief elsewhere and I have no reason to even consider it.

Old saying; it starts when you sink in her arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

Life is wonderful, no complaints.

I voted yes, living the sexless single life. For sure with some practice, Aneros use can fill the gap, at least for the physical part, and some calm seas experience will also give something pretty close to the mental aspect. 

I voted no. I feel sorry for couples who drift apart sexually. It’s a real shame. 

Posted by: @rockwellcollinshf2050

I'm just wondering if there are others here in long term sexless marriages and if so has stimulation with Aneros been helpful to you?

Over the years that I've been on this forum there have been numerous men who have reported sexless or sex starved marriages and have testified to the help Aneros massagers have provided in easing their frustration and anxiety about the situation. It is, apparently, a fairly common phenomenon as illustrated in these two TEDx talks No Sex Marriage... & The sex-starved marriage.

Posted by: @rockwellcollinshf2050

... Aneros devices have been very helpful for me, although I pretty much stopped using them when I was put on medications for BPH.

This is curious because regular massager use has been shown to ease the symptoms of BPH even without the use of medications (please see the Columbia Medical School study using the Pro-State massagers). Why have you restricted your use?

Good Vibes to You!

This thread should be moved to the new 'Couples Corner ' section along with several of @helghast 's many entries.   It's always nice to go to one place only for couple's experiences. 

Just my thought.

Our sex life was good before marriage but started going downhill shortly after the honeymoon.  Very much a gradual reduction, slowed a bit by having 2 kids [and before that 2 miscarriages].   After our youngest was conceived, we went into 2 to 4 times a year mode.  We were in that mode for a few years.  Wife would get very sore because I have DE, so I transitioned into coitus reservatus where we would stop each lovemaking session after she had her desired number of orgasms, usually 2.  

Then I started having issues with prostate congestion, saw a doctor, had some relief with Aneros.

In the past few years though, even with aneros use I was still having issues with the prostate.  

After being put on the prostate meds my desire to use my Aneros faded.

But very recently I saw my doctor and she encouraged me to get back into using the Aneros as an adjunct to the medication.

@rockwellcollinshf2050

Have you sought diagnosis/treatment for your DE and can’t you use lube in the interim? 

Define sexless marriage better...ten times or less in a year is considered sexless. I "saved myself" for marriage,  but quickly discovered after marriage my wife actually had no interest, no desire, no understanding, and a concrete encased belief that it was bad and put no effort into it...not even allowing me to show her how good it could be for ten years....from the beginning! I don't know how to answer the poll, but I don't think we have made ten times any year of our marriage.  This from a woman with a master's in clinical psychology. I couldn't have stood it and probably wouldn't have if we didn't have a child right away, and several more since. The home belongs to them and I'm not going to break that up, but it would be nice to make some progress because it would sure make a more loving home.

@helghast

don’t think it’s always that couples drift apart! Sometimes medical issues can have an effect on either partner! My wife was treated for breast cancer sixteen years ago and the chemo and radiation definitely had a lasting impact! Aneros has been a lifesaver for me!

@fred27 yup there are plenty of reasons sex stops in relationships, and an otherwise very loving marriage can be sexless. It is only a problem if it creates a serious imbalance, because we all only live once and some of us consider intimacy to be of higher importance than other aspects of a relationship (finance, children, status, etc.). But aneros definitely can fill the void (hehe).

Those videos @rumel posted are excellent. In a short 20 minutes each, they give very general solutions for problems that are very nuanced from couple to couple. I think anyone in an unbalanced sexual relationship ought to consider seeing a pertinent couples therapist (because I imagine there are all kinds) if they want to make progress on that front.  

I was in a sexless marriage for 16 years and ended it very recently. It obviously wasn't the only issue but it was about 90% of why I left the marriage, and was probably the root cause of the other 10%.

I have been speaking to a LOT of men in the same boat over the last 10 years and I think it is exceptionally common maybe at least 50% of marriages, and in general it isn't fixable you either put up with it, cheat, or leave. I eventually chose the later.

An important aspect of this is that in most cases the high libido partner is refused sex and simultaneously told he cannot get it elsewhere with no discussion or agreement, so effectively this is forced celibacy. It is also your partner saying to you "I don't care about your needs" and usually  "Oh but I love you" which doesn't make sense. It is the most cruel thing you can possibly do to someone with a high libido and it leads to depression and feelings of lack of self worth, and often substance abuse. It is just plain cruel and either wrecks marriages or leads to severe unhappiness.

I would not recommend staying in a marriage like this you are just kidding yourself if you think you are happy with it. Sex and intimacy is a biological and emotional need for most of us. I put up with it for 16 years for the sake of the kids. I have never been so happy getting my freedom back, being in a sexless marriage is like being in a prison with a regime of daily torture.

This strikes a chord so I have much empathy for my fellow man.  I replied “No”.  My situation seems to be mismatched libidos, and her seeming dislike of loving exploration.  Lovemaking still occurs, yet it’s monotonous, and not often-enough for me.  More than weekly would be a start!  Perhaps she’s never convinced herself that desire and exploration-together are not sinful.  At various times I’ve said there’s nothing we could do I’d consider “dirty’.  After so long(.)  While not 18 years old, I can't take comfort in remaining together until we shuffle off this mortal coil in the case were she to be 100 and I were to be 101.  I don’t crave any act together that’s out of likely most couples’ basic repertoire.  And if something wouldn’t be sexy to her, well, I don’t really want to do it or ask her to.

I look forward to viewing the talks for which @rumel provided links.  

Aneros has been 100% me.  I haven’t made up my mind if and how to approach her with it.  I may try to incorporate Aless, if I get good at it, as a part of foreplay.  Or (daydreaming) with the Aneros discreetly in, if I am gutsy.  It is encouraging to hear from members that even if they do not enjoy the kind of sex life they want, Aneros can help fill in that gap of what is, and what could be.

Pragmatic is the owned view that sex is relatively “minutes” vs the waking-hours we (hopefully) enjoy time with our partners.  So this may not be reason alone to discard a probably good-enough relationship, if other facets of the relationship are good-enough.  Other factors at play have led me to a tolerating and sufficing/sacrificing life.  Inclusive of those are familial responsibilities.  Yet I once in awhile I do wonder if the grass is not truly greener on the other side.  Reading about some members’ excellent wives also sends me down that line of thought.  Please do enjoy, dear members with excellent wives, and do not discount the life you have!  Back to my case, perhaps a decent relationship of even significant compromise is better than a lonely life- it is not certain that life with someone else could be better, and how considering long and with how much effort it could take to find that partner(?)  I would love to have another in-real-life friend to talk to about this.  Best to men out there!  

@fred27

Posted by: @fred27

don’t think it’s always that couples drift apart! Sometimes medical issues can have an effect on either partner! My wife was treated for breast cancer sixteen years ago and the chemo and radiation definitely had a lasting impact! Aneros has been a lifesaver for me!

Most people i know in said situation are of generally good health. I’m speaking medical issues aside. Personally,I wouldn’t count it if my wife was physically incapable due to serious illness. That’s would be a rough hand,but I made the vow in sickness and health. A lot of people seem to fall into this way of living,I’m sure they aren’t all sick. I think nowadays,more than a few people don’t work on their relationship when it needs worked on. Small problems then escalate into big problems. Before they know it,they are just passing ships and don’t know how to get back,and with no intimacy,they likely think they don’t want to go back. Shame. 

@smudgefish

Congratulations on doing what was best for you, after (I imagine) sticking around for the formative years of your children's youth.  I imagine that that is the ethical way to go about these things.

Now comes the fun part: finding someone who corresponds to your alternative sexuality and who is serious about exploring, and cultivating that relationship so that it lasts (if that is what you want).

If you define a sexless marriage by the traditional definition of less than 10 times a year, I fit very well within that definition. My wife and I are going on 23 years of marriage and sex has slowly dwindled to next to nothing. Intercourse is very rare now. She doesn’t have anywhere the desire for sex that I have. I’m pretty ravenous when it comes to sex, but her desire dropped off a cliff after her hysterectomy.. So now I’m stuck between a rock and hard place when it comes to sex. I didnt want to cheat on her but her Desire is now at zero. We bought an aneros to help me. I use it in place of intercourse. She still likes intimate things such as hugging, kissing and touching. So when I’m feeling extra horny, she will bust out with the aneros. She will lube it up good and put it in me. She will then tease my nipples to get me going. It’s become my pacifier for sex. I slip off into pure bliss while she does her thing. It works for us. Thank god for the aneros, not sure where our marriage would be without it. 

@pvak 

What if you change your definition of sex to include all intense intimacy?  That is what queer folk do.  Her accompanying you on your aneros play sounds like some beautiful sex to me...!

Posted by: @divine_o

Her accompanying you on your aneros play sounds like some beautiful sex to me...!

I really like the idea of "intense intimacy=sex", as it covers both what you can do by yourself and with a partner, it's very simple and universal.  

@pvak This sounds like a wonderful way to spend time with your partner and a great way to make the most of your particular situation. Good job on that! 

Declining sexual attraction in long term relationships seem to be the norm and an open secret to people working in related fields (therapists, sex & relationship coaches, scientists). The thing is, that people lie... to themselves and to save face. Even in anonymous polls. So the often spread 2-3x sex a week is basically a myth for long term relationships. If you have sex once a week you are in the top 15% actually. And there seems to be a biological reason behind it.

A few years back I read "Sex at Dawn", which offers a anthropological approach and thus an interesting new perspective on human sexuality. The book has it's weak points and the authors fail to address these, but it's a very good read nonetheless. In a nutshell, they make a case, that the "human condition" regarding sex & procreation is that of a hippie commune - everything is shared. So there is no nuclear family (father-mother-child), but every child gets raised by the whole village. And if you don't have to stress about securing a certain partner for the upbringing of a child, it makes sense, that sexual exclusiveness is not necessary. So we are not very good at long term exclusive partnerships.

The conflict of nature vs. nurture is a modern classic and I guess our current reality is rather a grey mixture rather than one or the other. Lifelong partnerships appear to be more of a cultural offspring, a conscious solution for the challenges of the agricultural revolution 12000 years ago. And we as modern humans are torn between the survival strategies encoded in our genes vs. the ideologic strategies encoded in our culture. Both are valid and grounded in their respective environmental circumstances.

With that being said, I voted "no" because my partner and I manage to come together more often than 2-3 times a year. But it's a challenge nonetheless - for both of us. We enjoy our company and everytime we had "the sex", we vouch to make this happen more often and are left puzzled why we do it so seldomly.  When a dry spell ends, we usually have a "magic weekend", where we kind of catch up. But this sexy euphoric spirit won't last and we will fall back into old habits sooner or later. We've been together for 10 years now, which feel rather like 2 and I guess this is a good thing. Relationships are work, hard work more often than not. And only one of the two pulling his/her weight is not enough to make it work. And even with both partners really pulling an effort, the everday outcome is sometimes pretty underwhelming.

I guess one of humans best friends and worse enemy at the same time is the way we intrinsicly build and keep habits. Difficult things become easy when we grow a habit around them, where we just do them w/o even having to think about it. Laying off a bad habit and forming a good one is hard work though. Transformation is a bit easier, where you reprogram yourself to use the cues of a bad habit, to consciously decide to do something worthwhile and thus connecting the old cue to the new habit.

I've heard sex coaches say, that the most important thing is to set the expectation for sex as low as possible. Every expectation and requirement we set up, will effectively prevent things from even starting. But if you manage to come together, even if you are not in the mood and had to set an appointment for it (that's as unsexy as it get's), things will start to self-propel. Once you engage, you will likely get in the mood. Once you have sex a only bit more often, chances are, that it will become a regular thing.

You'll only come so far though, when your partner is just not willing to participate. Jordan Peterson calls the feminine the "crushing force of sexual selection" for a reason I guess... 🙂

Returning after quite a long absence here.

In my view there is a distinction between a sexless marriage and an intercourse free marriage.  In my view a couple can have sex without intercourse.  Things like menopause and ED may make intercourse difficult, perhaps impossible, but with the right mind-set the couple can still have sex - whether oral, digital, mutual masturbation, you name it.  

In our sexless marriage, intercourse unfortunately is the only form of sex - not my idea, my wife's.  In 2020 we had sex once, in 2021 not at all, in 2022 twice.  None so far this year - 2023.  In none of those occasions did I ejaculate or even had a dry orgasm.  We made love until she had one or two orgasms then I allowed myself to go soft.  I had an emotional high for several days after each time.  

I would love to give her oral, masturbate together, anything of that nature.  The response is no.  She does masturbate in private after I leave for work.

We do kiss and cuddle, share a bed.  There is lots of love and light duty intimacy.

In a perfect world, I would like to have sex with my wife on a regular predictable basis.  Why predictable?  Well, I take medication which leaves me with ED and also turns the volume down on desire somewhat, but if I know well in advance I can adjust the timing.  Once a week, once a month.

Spontaneous sex is great for the young and carefree.  In a long-term marriage scheduling is what works, or could work. 

My wife describes herself as asexual.  Asexuals come in many types, but I think her characterization is accurate.

I characterize our marriage as a sexless one, a happy sexless one.  We would probably have it on an occasional basis if I pestered her for it - but much of the time she would say no.  Each time I'd have to go off meds on spec for that.  I'd happily do that for an 80% sure thing, but not for a 5% sure thing.

What I miss is sexual intimacy.  What I would love is an intercourse free marriage where we shared sexual intimacy.  No erections required, no need to go off meds.  

Our marriage is happy because I feel loved, supported and close with my wife.

Did your wife tell you she was asexual when you first starting dating? The thing I don’t like about the term which has exploded in use in recent years is that it works on anecdotal evidence. I mean,if your wife says she has no sexual attraction to others,you can’t prove nor disprove it.

Are you sure things haven’t just got a bit awkward with menopause,ED and the like? Why does she masturbate in secret? That’s something you could do together among other things. How was the sex life before,when you were young?

When we first started dating - we did a lot of sex play.  I thought her desire was great.  Once married she lost interest fast.  

@rockwellcollinshf2050 

Then I wouldn’t be convinced of asexuality. A lot of women lose sexual interest in a man  once they’ve ‘tamed’ them,got the house,marriage and kids sorted. 

I don’t know,you guys ever sit down and have a conversation about what was what and what who wanted? 

@helghast yup I agree good communication is the key having great sexual relationships with my wife.  We are straight up and out front with each other.

Best I can tell - her desire has one fuel only - NRE [new relationship energy].  One time years ago she had too much to drink and asked for a trial separation so she could date other men.

@rockwellcollinshf2050 

Posted by: @rockwellcollinshf2050

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asked for a trial separation so she could date other men.

And you believed her that she was asexual? Damn. 

@rockwellcollinshf2050 and what did she say? Ok.

@rockwellcollinshf2050 love is only what makes you both happy!  It’s not all All about intercourse. 

Posted by: @rockwellcollinshf2050

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Best I can tell - her desire has one fuel only - NRE [new relationship energy].

If you are familiar with term “NRE”, is it possible you have looked into a open relationship of one sort or another?