How to talk to the wife about what we want

Thanks for starting this thread. I look forward to the discussion.

Jokes,conversation,not sure it matters much. Talking to a partner is crucial,whatever form it takes.

It’s difficult to explain without knowing the stage of someone’s relationship. Maybe these things are needed to reignite smouldering embers. Maybe the relationship is good,and it’s as simple as communicating ones desires. A wife may be more open to exploring new and unknown territory than we give her credit for . IMHO that’s how it should be anyway. If she’s not,she can convey that herself.

My advice would be to bring up prostate orgasms first. Tell the stories of multiple orgasms without ejaculation. That toys or fingers can be used. If pegging is a goal,once a wife is on board the journey ,she may be more inclined. But we won’t get anywhere by not talking and keeping our desires hidden.

With myself, i simply told my wife I was interested in learning prostate orgasm. Once she seen them for herself,she wanted in on it. Crucially,she started thinking on her own how she could contribute to this new frontier in our sexlife.

Posted by: @somebodyelse

Perhaps we can use this thread to help those who are hesitant to discuss this with their wives figure out the best way to have the conversation.

I think your idea of using humor to approach the topic of anal play is excellent. As you noted this can seed the concept in your partners mind for further growth. A light hearted approach is a gentle way to introduce this taboo (to some) activity to couples play.

Another approach, a bit more serious, is to discuss the health benefits of prostate massage with your significant other. This type of approach may avoid some of the social stigma about anal play by putting the focus on general health and well being. The fact that such a practice may also turn out to be extremely pleasurable just becomes a bonus. A loving partner is very likely more than willing to participate in such activity if they believe it substantially contributes to the well being of their partner. Their participation, through prostate massage, will substantially increase the level of intimacy between partners and encourage further discussion of other aspects of anal play far beyond the health aspect.

Good Vibes to You!

Posted by: @rumel

Another approach, a bit more serious, is to discuss the health benefits of prostate massage with your significant other. This type of approach may avoid some of the social stigma about anal play by putting the focus on general health and well being. The fact that such a practice may also turn out to be extremely pleasurable just becomes a bonus. A loving partner is very likely more than willing to participate in such activity if they believe it substantially contributes to the well being of their partner. Their participation, through prostate massage, will substantially increase the level of intimacy between partners and encourage further discussion of other aspects of anal play far beyond the health aspect.

 

Excellent point about leveraging the health benefits.  I have prostate cancer in the genes so I am hoping to kill two birds with one stone.  Our recent discussions on the topic have certainly increased the intimacy, which is an excellent thing considering we have been married for almost 27 years.

I guess I am lucky because I have always felt like I can discuss sexual things with my wife.  I do not have to bring anything up as a joke but I can see how humor might deflect some of the awkwardness for some. 

I do not remember exactly how I brought up pegging a few years ago but I think I mentioned that I had been reading articles about it.  I used to get daily emails from Men's Health and there were several articles that were emailed to me.  I know I felt vulnerable when I first brought up anal play with her but I also knew that I could be vulnerable.  Still, my own head trash made that conversation a bit difficult to start.  It was well received by her.

Same with when I brought up Aneros but less awkward.  Less awkward perhaps because we had tried pegging and she knows I have three vibrating massagers that she has been involved with so that door was already open.

While this may not be an easy conversation to start for some, it can be very well worth it.

I know many people here are already in relationships, but I highly recommend to anyone dating to bring this up early in budding relationships.  Like, before going into bed with a person.  I have said things on a second date or in online chatting along the lines of “So there this type of pseudo-tantric orgasmic meditiation that I do that allows me to have as many non-ejaculatory orgasms as I want, without necessarily touching my body” to which the response is generally “Tell me more.” Talking about the end result, that is, the orgasms, is possibly sexier and more intriguing than talking about how you get there, at least in breaking the ice. 

Posted by: @divine_o

I know many people here are already in relationships, but I highly recommend to anyone dating to bring this up early in budding relationships.  Like, before going into bed with a person.  I have said things on a second date or in online chatting along the lines of “So there this type of pseudo-tantric orgasmic meditiation that I do that allows me to have as many non-ejaculatory orgasms as I want, without necessarily touching my body” to which the response is generally “Tell me more.” Talking about the end result, that is, the orgasms, is possibly sexier and more intriguing than talking about how you get there, at least in breaking the ice. 

I would think that would work extremely well for those dating.  Mind if I ask how many people you end up in bed with after sharing this?  I am guessing the curiosity factor would make the percentage quite high.  I am also guessing that it weeds out those not interested quite fast as well, which is not a bad thing.

@somebodyelse Agree that prostate pleasure could be brought up early. Not sure about the first date,but within the honeymoon period when everyone is buzzing and obsessed with the new person surely would have a high chance of success.

@somebodyelse

well... since I started aneros, i have almost exclusively dated online, because I lost interest in meeting in person with the “fuck now talk later attitude.”  Now I prefer to talk for a long time before (if ever) meeting someone. My profile shows that I am very kinky, and I only communicate with people whose profiles intrigue me.  As a result I only talk with very sexually open people these days, and they of course are all into it. So there is already a filter.

In real life, even well before aneros, I have brought up subjects of sexuality quite frequently, and it allows me to see if a person is sexually inclined as well as gives for some excellent conversations (or dead ends). I do the same for questions of monogamy, feminism, spirituality, drugs, etc. That way I can get to know a person pretty well before having sex with them, so as not to create a limerance/false love situation, which is the basis of so much heartbreak and relationship imbalance.

So I guess I am saying, with potential partners, our mutual conversation (and internet profiles, when meeting online) allows us to weed each other out.  When I meet someone with whom interest is really high, prostate play is the cherry on the cake, because we have already established other shared sexual interests and openness to non-conforming gender roles in life and in the bedroom.

Posted by: @helghast

@somebodyelse Agree that prostate pleasure could be brought up early. Not sure about the first date,but within the honeymoon period when everyone is buzzing and obsessed with the new person surely would have a high chance of success.

 

True, but for those of us who are married, that ship sailed.  My wife and I got married young.  Though neither of us were virgins, quite far from it, I would say sex was very vanilla early in our marriage.  We both said we were openminded but we were relatively inexperienced at anything that wasn't really mainstream.  I'd probably still lose a kink comparison contest but we have tried many things short of a threesome or moresome (though we have been to a swinger's resort).  Ropes, D/s, pain, roleplay, anal, pegging, etc. I guess we have just always been open with each other and willing to try new things.  Some things we try we like and some we don't, but at least we try.

I asked her about this topic and her response was that anyone trying to bring up something new like this should take it slow and not spring it on their partner.  That gives them time to absorb, think, and fantasize.  Don't just show up with a toy and say you want to cram it up your butt to see what happens.

I like @divine_oblivion's thought of lead with the end and not the means.  You could even lead with an article like this one.  It talks about dry orgasms, edging, soloplay, and does not bring up prostate orgasms until near the end of the article.  Sending the link to a partner could be a very easy way to ease into a discussion.  Then, talk about their multiple orgasm experiences and say that you would like to experiment.  Maybe that part of the article (prostate) will just come up naturally.

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19545094/how-to-have-multiple-orgasms/

My wife and I are having a blast right now.  She has always wanted to find new ways to get me going and we hit the jackpot here.  Nipple play is a big thing now that I have figured that out.  It used to do nothing for me.  It's really cool to see how turned on it makes her and of course I am getting a ton of pleasure of my own.  It's truly win-win.  I sure wish those reluctant to bring this up with their partners could muster the courage to have the talk.

@SomebodyElse says, "I sure wish those reluctant to bring this up with their partners could muster the courage to have the talk."

I'm mustering, I'm mustering... and I'll get there, I think within the next few days. But all of your encouragement is a help, and I appreciate it.

@somebodyelse 

It’s not that I’m suggesting springing it on anyone. I stand by my original comment,just talk to ones wife. When I brought aneros up,it was in our 40’s,it wasn’t an issue,if she’d not been interested,she’d just have said no. But we can talk to each other about things.I probably worry more than she does lol.

Communication is key! My wife and I have always talked openly about any and all topics and subjects. We just talk a lot lol but when it came to sex we were so open and so honest...and so very interested and curious about everything related to sex. She used to work at a video store (yes, a real one!) and it had a porno room and I'd go in with her when she opened up for the day and get in the room early and pick out stuff that I wanted to see and things we wanted to see together. And that was when we had been dating for like a year or two. We've had talks about sex related things for hours on end sometimes.

With all this sex talk, talk of prostate orgasms and anal sex for the man sort of slips into the general broad topics. I'm saying all of this to say this: if you are in a relationship and you don't really ever talk about sex, bringing up something like Aneros/anal play for the guy is going to be as potentially jarring as an astrophysicist lecturing to a crowd and suddenly talking about a cheeseburger. "Where did THAT come from?"

If a couple can't even talk about bills, dishes, who is doing the shopping, how was work today, stuff like that, then the anal fun isn't going to ever get past the lips. But if all those topics are casually discussed, AND sex is also talked about, anal-related sex shouldn't be so jarring! Talking about sex with my wife is sometimes almost as fun as doing it 🙂

Posted by: @helghast

@somebodyelse 

It’s not that I’m suggesting springing it on anyone. I stand by my original comment,just talk to ones wife. When I brought aneros up,it was in our 40’s,it wasn’t an issue,if she’d not been interested,she’d just have said no. But we can talk to each other about things.I probably worry more than she does lol.

 

No, I did not think you suggested springing it on the wife.  My comment was regarding this topic in general, not your specific response.  Sorry for the confusion on that.

When I first brought up anal play with my wife we were in our 40s as well.  No issues here either.  I guess nothing phases us anymore.

I think wives just need your gentle words and tender touch.

I brought this up to my wife last night after some “post-coital” bliss. And, evidently, I found her G-Spot because she had about a 3 minute long orgasm. Everywhere I touched her she’d just arch her back and moan. I’m like “Hey, I want that!” Seriously, though I did feel it a fairly good segue into me telling her about this site, etc. that I’d discovered. She is a nurse, so she’s not totally out of touch with the human body and so forth. Long story short, she wasn’t totally against the idea of us using the Aneros for pleasure. She’d asked me if I ordered one (I told a little white lie and said “Not yet”), but my Eupho should be here this weekend so I’ll show it to her then.

I’ll need to do a bit of research as to how women can help out with this, but coming from someone who was very unsure about telling my wife about this – her reaction was most welcome.