My Evi is---Too Big?

@Badger
No worries! You did not hijack the thread. I hope that your situation improves for the better.

@Bdger No worries.

Hope this helps get this on-topic but avoids TMI for most. As with most of our vaginal toys, I'm the 'acting gynecologist' who does most of prep, lube and insertion work during foreplay. I've asked several times about her soloing and she says EVI's only been used during couples-foreplay between us.

We've had three pregnancies and my wife has opted for an Episiotomy with subsequent repairs following each. We have seldom practiced fisting. I believe she has had only one surgical 'snug-up' since our final pregnancy and delivery. She also practices Kegels frequently and is my Kegel coach. Her Kegels are strong enough to bring me to climax without any thrusting.


My insertion routine is to bring her to near Clitoral orgasm then progressively dilate and lube her with two, and then three fingerwidths, and sometimes a brief, non-thrusting penetration to reduce the artificial nature of the soon-to-follow EVI.


Once the body of the EVI clears her pubic arch it moves on it's own into the vaginal vault and she does a brief Kegel routine to complete positioning.


We've only had one 'ejection' and I blame that on my not getting her well relaxed with three-fingers.


Suggestion might be to do some well lubed dildo work before attempting to 'gobble up' the EVI.

S

@rook thank you so much for writing that, well done. I have been taunted by ones with assumed authority when I told somebody I'm not sure she was fully relaxed, and they refused to tell me their preparation just as you so eloquently did. What you are referring to is the exact experience I have with evi. Relaxation is key, and for the ladies please dont think that you can rush through proper preparation, after all I thought thats why women liked foreplay...gets them prepared for entry.

This is the needed input that is lacking here, I really appreciate it, it is eye opening for me at the very least, and I anticipate it will be eye opening for lots of others who read this thread as well.

My wife is in the group of women that only tried it 2 times.She said the arm is too short and was too difficult to remove.

@devajones Would you say there is no use suggesting that she tries it again?

@Badger

I would like to make it clear from my point of view, that, you did NOT hijack this thread. The thread was part of a conversation about EVI and her dimensions. However, as in life, face-to-face, person-to-person, group-to-group, phonecall-to-phonecall; conversations have a natural tendency to drift from one point to another and sometimes a new topic will take focus from the original. You stated in your post some personal and troubling situations that deserved a response and thankfully some members addressed your concerns.

Personally, I would retreat from the Sexual Front for a while and generously give her -- her own space. A space, free from sexual clutter and allow her to be (herself). She's obviously going through a rough patch, a patch of life that we men will never really understand the true meaning of. Conversations tinged with (sex) will be met with aggravation and possibly lead onto shaky-ground that will hover and permeate the air all day, or longer. As frustrating as it seems, there appears to be some dormant issues that need to be unearthed and sifted before Harmony lays across your bed again in glorious titillating fashion.

I truly feel for you, and fully understand the endless thoughts of desire that stream through your mind, it can be maddening, and you have to hang-in and allow time to heal and recover the goodness that is still present (I hope) between you both, albeit shrouded, hopefully, in a temporary state. And to top it off, you said Aneros is not much use these days. That is is truly sad and I sure hope that's a temporary thing and can be fixed in the future.

You mentioned your wife's view of all we (wonderful people) on this site as (perverted) and that, in and of itself is telling as to where her mind is at when it comes to sexual-freedom and enjoyment. The health–nourishment and harmlessness is paramount in our understanding of a safe and enjoyable state of mind that delivers us bodily and spiritually onto higher ground. Our unashamed, creative participation will be chastised by many, judgments will spring forth based on early, late or current religious views, but WE – the chosen people of Non-Vanilla, will prosper forward with LOVE. A love and renewed spirit that can't help but seep out and veil all of whom we come in contact with, unbeknown to them, yet truly present as we simply live and silently share our energy.

Have you ever noticed how, post Aneros use, the pleasure of spending time at the DMV is? I might be pushing it there but you get my point.

Patience, love and all things that brought you and your wife together, may they continue to illuminate your never ending flame, and remember to reserve reverence for individual differences, that alone, will help ease burdens from both sides, and who knows, one day a new page may open on a freshly made crisp cotton sheet with big soft pillows of support.

All the best Badger and may we all continue our quest in seeking answers on the lovely Evi.

@Vic I love you even more now. Thank you for taking the time to write that beautiful post. It has left me awe inspired. You restore my faith in a lot of things around here. I think your assessment was spot on, it shows that you have the mind of a very kind intelligent understanding man (with a sexy ass to boot :P) . I dont think I've ever read a post written by a man that was as...its hard to put into words...but lets say sensitive to not only a woman's needs but the couples. You stated very clearly a plan of action that I truly believe is spot on and will work if applied. It is so true that often times women need to get all the other factors of life sorted before trying to tackle the sexual ones. We just dont feel sex in the same capacity as most men. If other aspects of our life are out of balance we just dont feel like the sexy vixen usually. I also love the way you appealed to Badger as a man...men and women are two ends of a beautiful spectrum we just have to learn to meet in the middle on even footing. I just wanted to take time to say thank you for your time in writing that, I have no idea how long it took but any person's time is valuable and what you wrote is more than priceless. Those words will most definitely help somebody somewhere.

@G-Force great question. No I would not suggest that she never use it again. I never suggest one give up on anything, that is if they want it. I'm not sure how your wife prepared etc...that info would be helpful in formulating a more concise answer for you as to why she may have had a problem. Now as I stated before either on the forums somewhere or in chat the arm was too short to reach my clit as well. However I looked at that as a plus because for the better part of my life I was like the guys...very clit (which is our penis so to say) driven. I needed to train myself away from being so clit centric, and learn other things about my body and its capabilities. Now that I mention that does she lean more towards vibration when using toys? If so is she open to the idea of non vibratory toys? Is she even a toy person at all? All of these things play a major part in what the hang up may be. When thinking of my journey I find it comforting how similar it is to the males journey...mindset plays a huge factor. There are other nuances but that needs to be in place before hand.

Vic,

I agree with the other posters about what you said, beautifully spoken. I wish we still had the "Groups" section from the previous forum incarnation because there was a 'Group' called "Cherry Picks" which pointed out posts of special merit for the readership to enjoy. I believe this post would have fit nicely within that special group.
Good Vibes to You !

@G-Force May I recommend something else that may help? I too have had issues with the arm being too short. But, by changing her position it may help. Being in the realm of excited is a plus. However, putting her body in a different position such as on all fours or her backside elevated -a positional difference might help the arm reach a bit further.
@Vic-I may love you more. I enjoyed your post. Very well written and so very kind.

@devajones Thank you for your feedback the other night...I've tried the evi a few more times, but really made sure, per your suggestion, that I was warming things up a bit before inserting it, and also trying to, as @nurselady suggests, changing my body position. I found that arching my pelvis helped. My fascination with toys is a new found thing for me, so playing solo with this is a new adventure for me.

I still find it hard to insert no matter how "ready" or lubricated I am, and equally difficult to remove, even painful. But when it is finally in, it does feel so nicely nestled inside of me. The only issue I have once it is in, is that the bottom part of the lower arm doesn't really know if it wants to rest in or out of my body, and can irritate that part of me. Do any other woman have this issue? The upper arm feels like it is in the right place, gently resting on my clit.

I still feel compelled to give it a chance and see what might come of using it. I'm an extremely physically sensitive person, so I there is no issue with needing it to use something that provides more stimulation like a vibrator. (Although I have been learning to have fun with those as well) The evi journey is not one I am sharing with a lover, nor did I seek it out on my own...it was given to me by a dear male friend who knows Aneros products, and knew that I wanted to learn more about g-spot orgasm. So I feel very grateful to have this forum to read and learn about other's experiences.

@Vic I have given her space; she just seems to want more. I need to reconnect with her to feel in touch with myself. When I am denied that, temptations become more enticing and harder to resist. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, which clearly states, "1)Now for the matters you wrote about: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." 2)But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3)The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4)The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5)Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." I believe that these verses are tantamount to a successful and fulfilling marriage, because if we all treated our spouses in this way, divorce would be almost unheard of.

When she turns me away, it pierces my soul; I feel as though she is spurning me for another lover, which, in a way, she is. I have had nightmares where I dreamt she was making passionate love to someone else, in ways that she never has with me, and I walk in on it. I have startled awake, crying.

I have tried talking with her to find out what is troubling her, and she refuses to reveal her issue(s). If anything, she throws the "I'm looking at (scantily dressed) women, that she can't compete with." I admit I like to shop for sexy things for her to wear, and I imagine it's her in the picture wearing the outfits. The proof that that's what I'm doing is that when I can afford it, I purchase some of those things for her to wear, which her usual response is that she's "to modest to wear such clothes". Most cases, she'll wear it once, putting it on with an angry flair, and then model it with a dejected look on her face, like she's being humiliated by wearing it for me, which pretty much ruins it for me, even though she looks pretty good in it. She then will put it someplace where I won't find it again. Her usual excuse is that she's too modest to flaunt sexy clothes in front of me in our bedroom, to which I respond, "You are my wife; there IS NO MODESTY IN MARRIAGE!!", which comes from Genesis 2:25, "25) Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." This is to be our goal as married couples, and I try to live up to this high standard.

I don't know where her cynicism comes from or when it started; I do know when things started to go downhill. It was about '99-2000, and we were having very passionate lovemaking sessions; first, she allowed me to rub her anus, then insert my finger. I massaged her from both sides until she had a very powerful orgasm, where she nearly cried out (she never does this). The next time, she offered me her anus to enter with my penis, which excited me so much, that I couldn't even enter before orgasming. I swear the next Sunday, out of the blue, our Pastor and good friend, condemned anal sex as "just wrong", with absolutely no Scriptural to back it up, from the pulpit. My wife claims she told no one of our escapades (which is quite believable), and the back door has been strictly off-limits since. Some of it I blame on her long-term usage of the pill, which she got off from when I had a vas in about '07. But I fear it may be too late. She has become more critical, cynical and judgmental of just about everything I like every year since then.

I dearly love her in spite of these problems, and wish she would reciprocate in kind. In 1 Corinthinians 13:4-5, it says that "4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5) It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I do not keep a list of things she's wronged me specifically, I'm quick to forgive, I'm faithful to a fault, I'm patient with her (but that IS wearing thin).

Moving on, @devajones, your comment on how critical it is to be relaxed and highly stimulated before using the Eva is spot-on; my wife is inclined to be impatient and doesn't follow instructions well. On our honeymoon, on our first attempt on ML, she wouldn't allow me to perform any foreplay on her to bring her to orgasm. She wanted me to enter, NOW. With no lube. It was a three plus hour fiasco, where we were both crying: her because of the pain; me, because I was certain I was never going to have sex. She was just so tight that entry was nearly impossible and the whole time, she refused to let me work her to orgasm first. Some heavy-duty hand cream later, and success at last (inside of 10 seconds); I promptly fell asleep (endorphin overload; I'm sorry).

My apologies for this long, rambling and self-focused highjack. I now return you to your regularly-scheduled thread.

@Badger
Perhaps you and your wife should go to marriage counseling or some other type of therapy. Then make a decision of what you will do. Best of luck to you!

@kitsune Glad my recommendations were a help. I recall that I'd have some tenderness with Evi at the neck region. I noticed this most with extended periods of use. I found it depended on my position. Again, varying your position may accommodate your needs.
@Badger. Even if your wife won't go to counseling-though I'd recommend it for both of you. There's nothing wrong for individual counseling for yourself. Communicate with your dear wife. I see many men that just let their issues go. Personally, I usually find it's they don't want an argument or upset. Maybe it's. fear of the outcome? You are a person that values your family and that's clear.

@devajomes & @nurselady
Thank you both very much for your input and response to my question. I will take your advice and try to gather some more intelligence, in hope that I can offer you more detail on our situation.
Thanks again for your time!

Are there any videos of the evi in actual use? I am having trouble picturing how it works and would like to see it used both with and without a partner.

Thanks in advance.

rumel and DevaJ –

Thank you both for your kind words, I am most grateful.

rumel: I remember the Cherry Picks Group, I too wish it were still around 'cause there were some mighty choice-reads mixed into those pages.

Deva j: Now I love you even more, but would you really take a boot to my ass? :smiling out loud:
As they say in the Theatre World: "If you can effect and touch (1) person out of (100) you've done your job." I hope this to be the case. Thanks again!

@Badger I totally agree with what you are saying and I feel your pain. I would suggest you try counseling either as a couple or just yourself. I want to urge you to not beat yourself up over your feelings. You ARE entitled to your experience and what it makes you feel. That is your truth and it is important. I know she may disregard you (i hope that doesnt last much longer) but you must not disregard yourself. I applaud you for being so in touch with your feelings and brave enough to air them. I think a lot of men could learn from your courageous example.

I do see a connection between her religious beliefs and sex. I'm sure you see the connection as well. I've had anal sex and for me it is one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had. I hate that she let religion tell her the bliss she shared with you was wrong. You must keep your optimism, I know it is easier said than done and you have been hanging on for a long time but I know you can do it.

@Vic ok you got me no boots to your ass...might dent it we dont want that.

@everyone, I have found this thread particularly helpful. It has been very factual and very clear. That is, no coyness, just quite openly descriptive. I can't find the right words. I am particularly grateful for the input from our female posters, correcting many of my (our) male misconceptions. It is also very helpful in helping me use the Aneros tools appropriately in a relationship and being mindful of my hopes and expectations. I do feel for those members who are having problems. It does give insight as to how many relationships must be problematic and how unhappy so many men must be in our so called free western cultures.Just a note of gratitude.

@Badger: One thing I'd hope you're not doing is quoting scripture at her.

Deva wrote: "I've had anal sex and for me it is one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had"

Deva, I can't more than agree. I too find when I'm in the midst of anal stimulation, I wander off behind a sheer ethereal curtain, softly breezing with light air, and I fall deeply into trance, a trance so pleasantly powerful and undeniably right. Right on so many levels; right because it feels so wonderful, right because I've discovered that my body is capable of producing such exquisite, extended orgasmic pleasure, and right – because always, always during my dalliances with anal pleasure, I'm never denied a wash of spiritual presence that lingers and plays along with me and caresses my soul with quiet reassurance that everything is indeed, RIGHT.

Growing up, I was forever met with WRONG. I was not born with WRONG. WRONG trickled in by way of doctrine and I witnessed too many people around me falling hard and suffocating under the organized control of what drove WRONG. I knew at an early age I would not enter that prison-of-belief, and therefore sought like-minded brethren who danced a different waltz and henceforth raised my organic spirit ten-fold.

Lets keep dancing in delicate trances of RIGHT!

@isvara...you are more than welcome between @nurselady and I we'll get you men straightened out!!! lol kidding, but honestly that is why I champion more female participation around here because often men just dont know. I dont think its that they dont want to know...they just dont. Often I find women are not frank enough or open enough or comfortable enough for whatever reason to just tell it like it is straight talk no chaser. I think thats how men need to hear it frank in clear words, not covered with a bunch of frilly stuff. I also agree with your statement about men being unhappy and for me it is heart breaking. If anybody ever notices when I read a post where a man is having problems with his significant others usually I am quick to try to render him some type of help. I often want to offer him the other point of view so he can make his decisions with more information than he previously had critical information he probably may not have gotten otherwise.

@Vic I couldn't agree with you more.

@devajones, we set next to each other in church, and the pastor was a close friend (he moved away a few years later). I don't remember if he was married yet or not, but I think so. My wife denies talking to either of them about any of this, and considering her overdeveloped sense of modesty, I'm inclined to believe her; she could never talk to anyone about anything like this. I'm sure it was Satan messing with my happiness and our marriage, because I don't believe it was Providence; the Scriptures are silent about anal sex, and since the Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled (Hebrews 13:4), and what is not expressly forbidden is allowed (1 Corinthians 6:12, 10:23). Our Pastor was a very good Scripture-based Pastor, but on this one point, he failed miserably, as we all do from time to time.

She has since use her hemorrhoids as being 'too painful' to touch, but won't do anything about getting them treated or cured; she's also used the common excuses that it's "wrong", "it's only for waste", and "it's just icky".

Counseling is out of the question; we simply cannot afford anything like that, and besides, there are no decent counselors anywhere near our area.

What would help is all of your prayers for her to have a change of heart; it would be beneficial for all involved.

By the way, have any of you read the short story, "Young Goodman Brown", by Nathaniel Hawthorne? It's an excellent illustration of how Satan can mess with your mind and ruin perfectly good people, making them ineffectual and useless. If we allow it.

@Badger it seems you both are a Godly couple. Modesty for men and women are often common. Sex is hardly a sermon in most churches. I grew up Southern Baptist. My family was strict in their beliefs. I was constantly at church throughout my life.
I'm modest. I'm reserved. I have always been a woman that was giving to her spouse. My ex and I were married nearly 25 years. I came to Aneros looking for something to save MY marriage. Somehow I googled something and it led me to this forum. I watched for awhile. And then PMd a member that seemed trusting. I gave him my story of me trying to save my marriage. I bought something for my husband. He too came up with his backside was "an off ramp." My ex found all women his. He's a serial adulterer.
I had a lot of hurt and angst. But, one thing. I've learned. Is this forum is understanding and supportive. Sex between two individuals that is consenting is loving and can be special. Maybe anal sex isn't her thing. Let it go. I agree quoting scripture to her would not help.
Counseling? Look into an EAP program if you have one. If she won't go. You can. I'm sure there's a counselor somewhere that can be of assistance. Ask around for who is a good referral.

All very helpful. Our Evi has disappeared! The problem I think was that my wife was not aroused first. The expectation was that Evi would be the arousing mechanism. From what I have gathered in this thread is that the arousal enables an easy entry. Perhaps Evi will appear one day, and with the right prep this time may be good.

(Bit off topic) Re the Bible. I have a reasonable knowledge of its content. It is not a good guide to sex. On this subject it can be interpreted almost any way to condemn your neighbor. Leviticus would prevent most if not all sexual activity other than straight (undefined) penis ejaculation in vagina sex. The rest is out and punishable in the extreme. Each denomination has its own interpretation who seems happy to conveniently overlook what it disagrees with. In the end I think it should be a matter of common sense, does it harm another and does it work for you. Do keep an eye on your state legislation as often sex acts are defined! What a mess we make of a lovely expression of joy and gladness.

@Badger...I think you hit the nail on the head with your very last sentence (and whole post for that matter). Now I have no clue what others will do, but sure I'll send up a prayer..I'll send up numerous. However I need for you to understand that one has to meet God half way. God is a miracle worker not a magician (meaning magicians are illusionists...what you see them do is not really "real"). I've found that usually if the person does not WANT to change her mind...prayer will not penetrate that. Like you stated IF we allow it. Since counseling is out of the question, these are 2 podcasts that are totally free to listen to. The first one being Stay Happily Married and the other one being Sexy Marriage Radio. You can listen to either one of those various ways let me know if you have any trouble or arent sure how to do the whole podcast thing. Those may help to give you some ideas.

I also want to impress upon you that I think maybe you underestimate how powerful you are in your household. Are you aware that you do have the ability to coach her and encourage her to change her mind about a lot of things? Do you feel she views you as a leader in your household? If not I will leave you with this link Women See Male Leadership as Love (I dont agree with every single word of that...but a lot of it is dead on). Please understand I am in no way blaming you, I am giving you tools so that you are able to address your actions as those are the easiest to correct if there is indeed anything to correct. Often times one can make small adjustments that cause their partner to do the same, if that makes any sense. For instance I saw a tv show where the woman was working and doing ALL of the housework and taking care of the kids. The husband basically did nothing but complained about not getting sex (not saying this is you, this is for example purposes ONLY). A suggestion was made that he help her out around the house instead of just coming home and doing nothing, he did that...she felt more cherished and sex returned. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

@nurselady I'm so sorry to hear about your ex. I hope that you understand his actions probably had very little to do with you. I've learned over the years that serial adulterers usually have that behavior because they are lacking something within themselves. I'm so happy that you didnt let that stop you from moving forward in your life.

@isvara I'll be right over to help you find that Evi! Yes arousal prior to is very key. I went and pulled out my Evi and reread the instructions. For the record...they kind of offer the idea that one should just wash the evi, use lube, lay back, and insert (BTW which are the EXACT same instructions as the male aneros prostate massagers). I think those instructions are very lack luster considering pleasurable sex doesnt even go like that usually. I think something about being aroused and relaxed could go a LONG way in the instructions Aneros provides. Granted I've never had children, nor am I capable of living life in another womans body, but my vaginal opening is at what I can best call a rest state if I am not aroused (think of how the anal sphincter is not generally loose, especially the inner sphincter, it sort of "closes" when not stimulated). Meaning before sex manual and/or oral stimulation helps to relax and dilate those muscles in preparation for penetration of any kind. If I dont do that even a penis is not pleasurable for the first bit of intercourse for 2 reasons lack of lubrication (not enough time given for me to get sufficiently wet), and lack of muscle dilation (penis forcing the muscles open). An easy way to relate that is if a guy rushes when inserting any aneros device...if you have no lube and arent relaxed does it not hurt??? Or at the very least is it not pleasurable??? Men and woman arent that different after all.

@Badger, I have 2 thoughts: 1) Perhaps your wife wants to be romanced more, and have more of a connection before she is more intimate with you. 2) Perhaps alternatively she is having an affair