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05/15/2021 10:14 am
Hello gentlemen.
This Saturday morning has had a funny little start. I was awoken by my wife getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. She came back to bed,and said “I need a service”. So,as is more and more the case,she had not wiped. It’s amazing what one can get used to,as i didn’t particularly like the taste of urine in the beginning,but it’s become something of an acquired taste that I now would miss if it wasn’t there. I performed my oral,my penis tortured and straining against my chastity cage, which had now been on for two weeks. What can I say,i’m even getting used to that too.Once Wife was satisfied,she got up and crawled over my body,giggling as she went,and stopped at reverse cowgirl position. I thought this was it,cage off time,super horny,super excited..but not quite. She proceeded to pee on my genitals lol. I had a little wtf? moment . She got up,said she was off to the shower and then had to go into town. She also said to make sure I washed her sheets today,obviously.
So later,after a shower and putting the sheets in the machine,i was having a drink and received a text from her. She said she’d left a note for me upstairs. I found the note,which was more like a letter lol.
She began by telling me she loved me and had enjoyed our new found experiences of late. She said it had been a mix of emotions for her. On the one hand she had felt sorry for me,watching my frustration which was blatantly obvious,the painful attempted erections,being horny all the time with no release in sight. Trying to be extra attentive and pleasing. On the other,she also enjoyed it,enjoyed having such power over my sexual pleasure and orgasm. One of the most pleasurable parts for her was having me hovering just outside my comfort zone. She said it had also been a little hard seeing how selfish a man can be. She had waited for me to ask how she was coping without sex,but I didn’t. She was certain I’d not seen it like that,she bet me all I’d thought was how I hadn’t had any sex for two weeks. I likely never thought for one second that my wife had not had sex with a man for two weeks either. She got me there,I hadn’t lol. She said not to worry,my selfish ways will need worked on over a long period.
Now,if there’s one thing my wife excels at,it’s applying pressure. She went on to say when she takes my cage off,I’ll be at a fork in the road. This is the one chance to back out. One direction is to have sex with my wife,and things will go back to how they were. The other,she will have sex with me,and to make no mistake,we will move into a female led marriage. I cannot have both,and whichever path is chosen,there is no going back. She explained that if the latter path is chosen,she doesn’t want to mess about playing fantasy games and a half in half out type of thing. She wants to be all in or nothing. And I’ll have to accept things that may be painful,humiliating,that cause jealousy or frustration,but I could trust her that pleasure will always be the end goal. She said not to worry too much about actual intercourse,yes it would still happen,but on her terms. Damn,she’s really turning the screw.
She then absolutely crushed me by saying that she’ll give me a week to think about it and make my decision. I’m not sure I can do this chastity thing for another week,I could just cry hahaha.Lastly she said she doesn’t want it discussed until cage removal. More pressure.
I’ve no idea now what to do,I thought I knew what the plan was,but shes really good at making me uncomfortable yet excited about the unknown.And that’s it exactly,I’m happy,horny,frustrated,excited and scared all at the same time. I’m sure someone switched out my wife for an imposter lol. I honestly didn’t know she was capable of this type of manipulation.
Whatever shall I do gents?
05/15/2021 10:47 am
Whatever shall I do gents?
This is a decision only you should make. There are never any guarantees in these types of life altering choices. There may be no right or wrong choice either way you decide. Listening to a group of internet forum voyeurs is probably not a wise advisory group even if they have good intentions. It is you who will have to live with the consequences of your decision, not them.
Good Luck to You!
05/15/2021 4:39 pm
The fact that she laid out all the options denotes that she is already in control of your marriage bed.
Since marriage is about compromise and working together, one option for you, if you are not happy with a lifetime forecast of submission, is to offer and stick to your guns to live the submissive lifestyle for a set amount of time, and then revert to your former role of dominance in the bedroom for a set and equal amount of time. You have a will and you are an admirable masculine guy. Why not her dominance for three months or whatever, and your dominance for three months or whatever.
I know for myself. I could not live my whole life in dominance. I might like it for a while, but not forever given my make up. As Rumel says, you must decide. In my book, if you like dominance for a season, why not have both for her dominance, then your dominance for a season in your marriage.
I feel some angst here on your part and I feel for you. There is alot to be learned about treating a woman and satisfying a woman in her role as the dominant partner. Why cant your life here on out be a mixture of both. You are a good communicator. Man to man, I feel your feelings have merit at this juncture also, rather than her saying my way or the highway, if that is what she is saying.
Prayers for you bro as you have an exceptional marriage. I just think you as a really masculine man need to have his say in this matter too. Hopeful there is room for compromise in your marriage. I will pray that for you as you sound like a great guy and someone I would enjoy have as a man friend and a gym bud.
05/15/2021 7:22 pm
@Helghast, bro, you were living my fantasy until this post. And this is the second time I've wanted to echo what @Turnrow said (I'd love to sit and chat over a pint with the both of you; we seem to have more than an Aneros in common). I've got a few points of my own to add, but it's late where I am, so I'll get back to you asap. Y'all both be well and let's keep this convo going.
Topic starter
05/16/2021 9:00 am
she is already in control of your marriage bed
It sure seems that way lol
if you are not happy with a lifetime forecast of submission, is to offer and stick to your guns to live the submissive lifestyle for a set amount of time, and then revert to your former role of dominance in the bedroom for a set and equal amount of time
Who knows how long,maybe she get bored sooner or later,maybe not. Comes down to realism,setting up times and roles isn’t really submission,and that’s what she wants,all in,all business,no pretend. Take the pleasure you know,or submit and venture into the unknown and all the pleasures I never knew were there. Decisions decisions.
I feel some angst here on your part and I feel for you. There is alot to be learned about treating a woman and satisfying a woman in her role as the dominant partner. Why cant your life here on out be a mixture of both. You are a good communicator. Man to man, I feel your feelings have merit at this juncture also, rather than her saying my way or the highway, if that is what she is saying.
This is why I suspect she’s so good at it,she won’t let me call any shots. That’s not submission is it? Being overly concerned with my feelings. That’s not submission either is it? The ultimatum of give up your kinky stuff,or have it and have the show ran for me. That is submission. The Angst is intentional.She’s alluded to this saying I’m not the only one affected by chastity. And she’ll be the one who has to go longer should I take the pegging. So I get,she misses out,the first night at least. So I’m kind of damned on either path. Ha! The more I go over this,the more I see,she’s a natural at this stuff lol. She’s wants the mind aswell as the body.But she does say it’ll be worth it...
Prayers for you bro as you have an exceptional marriage. I just think you as a really masculine man need to have his say in this matter too. Hopeful there is room for compromise in your marriage. I will pray that for you as you sound like a great guy and someone I would enjoy have as a man friend and a gym bud
Yea thanks pal,you too,most of the guys around here seem cool. Compromise is a funny thing,I’ve had it all my own way for the best part of 20 years. Maybe she’s found herself and wants it her way for a change. Maybe i jump in and ‘milk it for all I can get’ See what I did there with the Anerosian language? 😉 A lot of maybes for me lol.
05/16/2021 9:44 am
I suspect you and maybe your wife are switches because otherwise there wouldn’t be a question of what path to take at this point. Like, if she were truly dominant, she wouldn’t give you the option because the vanilla sex option would be suppressing her newfound pleasures. And if you were truly submissive you wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
What do switches do? They switch roles in bed with each other. But wait, your wife doesn’t want to switch in your relationship... so then do what many people in the BDSM world do in order to fulfill all their many needs: open your relationship. That way your wife can dominate you, and you can dominate someone else or have vanilla sex with someone else, while she gets dommed/vanilla from another person.
If you are interested in opening your relationship without jealousy, I recommend “The ethical slut.” Even if you don’t open, it’s a great read for anyone, because jealousy has no healthy place even in monogamy.
Otherwise I don’t see a good answer unless you do actually want to be dommed by her from now on, because why the hell would you go back to how things were? You yourself said multiple times that this is opening up worlds for you. Going back to vanilla sounds as... vanilla! (I actually love vanilla ice cream...)
05/16/2021 10:34 am
OK, Helghast, my two cents.
Three things stick out in my mind. First, the apparently brief time over which this aspect of your relationship with your wife has evolved; second, the fact that your wife is engaging in standard male-fantasy femdom tropes; and third, that BDSM principle of Safe, Sane & Consensual sex.
You reported "My first pegging" on 11 April, just over a month ago. You mentioned then that your wife liked cucky talk, so she's thought along these lines, if only for fantasy.
On 21 April ("The pegging continues")
Nipple clamps, butt plugs, large dildos
She wants you to ejaculate from pegging alone
Replying on 25 April, you said, "I personally am enjoying the intro to femdom. It’s because she isn’t faking it for fantasy, she’s dead serious about it and grows more dominant week by week." So this is something new in your relationship.
By the 29th ("Wife & I moving into femdom") you're describing major changes in your sex life towards femdom:
Wearing knickers on her order
Obligatory sensual service (foot massage, bathing)
Sex begins and ends with oral for her
You are not allowed to ask for intercourse yourself
Licking her clean after peeing
Licking her clean of your cum after ejaculation
Bondage gear and post-orgasm torture
The cock cage
Full control of your orgasms
On 5 May ("My anal orgasm challenge"),
your wife wants to you cum hands free from pegging
and has decided to lock you in a chastity cage.
Now, by 15 May ("Pegging comes to the crossroads")
She's pissing on your caged cock in the bed and leaving you to clean up the mess
Leaving you a letter with a one-chance ultimatum
No longer content with femdom or BDSM, she now wants a full Female Led Relationship with undisclosed conditions, no ifs ands or buts.
You're stuck a third week in the cage without the possibility of discussing either it or the letter.
First, this is all happening really fast, which, to me, is a huge red flag all by itself.
Second, all the things your wife is doing strike me as common femdom tropes. They are all typical male fantasy stuff you find everywhere on the internet (wrt even the ultimatum letter, see, e.g., the short story "Why Men Crave Denial" of literotica (dot) com). It makes me wonder where she's getting her info.
So the question comes to my mind: how much has she really integrated domination in these few weeks, meaning, how personalized or internalized is it for her? Is she skimming popular sites and cherry picking surprising new things to spring on you, or has she found some substantive sites that can reasonably lead the two of you into a progressively sustainable long-term femdom relationship?
I recall some websites that promote lifestyle femdom (it's been years since I've looked, but Akasha's Web and Real Women Don't Do Housework come back to mind) underscoring that women who are genuinely dominant don't cater to men's fantasies, meaning they learn to be dominant in their own way. The point was (1) to assure the women that they didn't need to fit an internet stereotype to be dominant, and (2) to provide a reality check to the men that their women's domination would be what *she* wanted it to be, not some male fantasy of their own. (Your dominant wife's costume might be flannel nightgowns and wool socks instead of thigh boots and leather corsets, and you'd better be okay with that, or she's not the one in charge.)
Is your wife simply tasting a broad range of kinky behavior that she's read about on the internet?
Is there any rhyme or reason to the things she's introducing to your play, any sort of systematic training for you or for her, again, that leads to a progressively sustainable long-term femdom lifestyle, or is it all random? (Pissing on you in the bed seems really random to me.)
Is it what she really wants, or is it what she's expected to want to fulfill a perceived role?
Will she get bored with that role if it isn't really her?
And, along with the heady role of playing at being a femdom mistress, is she also cognizant of, and exercising, the responsibilities that go with the role, namely constant attention to your well-being as her sub?
Third, a big principle in the BDSM community is SSC: safe, sane and consensual. Responding to her ultimatum after three weeks of forced chastity is in no way fully consensual. I have a real problem with that kind of thing.
Your relationship has moved very fast from involving your wife in prostate play, to pegging, to femdom, and is now trending toward a full FLR with pain, humiliation, jealousy (which says cuckoldry to my mind) and frustration. Are you really okay with all of that? One of the problems with internet fantasy is that it's, well, fantasy, a world in which every practice is wonderful and erotic and fulfilling for everyone involved... and in which nobody ever gets hurt.
I'll freely own it again: up to this point, you've been living my fantasy. But the ultimatum letter stopped me cold, and the potential for real harm to you and/or your relationship should you blindly agree to it doesn't rest peacefully in my mind.
I don't think y'all have given each other nearly enough time to consider major changes in your relationship like what she's proposing. (I don't think it's enough time for any couple to make such changes.) If it were me, I'd be seriously considering resetting the whole damned thing by cutting off the cage right now, and even if I left it on for the duration, my answer to the ultimatum would be No.
And refusing even to discuss the situation for another week, until the cage comes off, is deeply manipulative. There are red flags all over this.
"How things were before" were pretty good, were they not? And now that your wife has a taste of dominance and what might be possible in your sex life, a return to status quo ante would be colored by your recent experiences. Is she really willing to toss the bondage gear and the strapon, give up more frequent oral sex from you, and stop being dominant, and go back to a much more vanilla lifestyle? My gut says no. And saying No would give you both the time and opportunity really to discuss what you want in your relationship and decide how you want to move forward safely, sanely, and in full mutual agreement.
Again, I really do appreciate all the excitement and pleasure and fantasy the Plus Column has to offer, but your wife just added a whole lot to the Minus Column.
Proceed carefully, my friend.
Topic starter
05/16/2021 10:37 am
I suspect you and maybe your wife are switches because otherwise there wouldn’t be a question of what path to take at this point. Like, if she were truly dominant, she wouldn’t give you the option because the vanilla sex option would be suppressing her newfound pleasures. And if you were truly submissive you wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
At last,you’ve arrived to educate me on what’s what!:). Perhaps your right. Never heard of switches. I’m not sure of these things as it’s all new and I’m learning as fast as I can.
I know she’s has done a lot of research on her little MacBook. But surely even professional doms had to learn the craft once upon a time. I believe the ultimatum is to keep me guessing,I don’t know,maybe she’s confident she knows what way I’ll jump.
open your relationship. That way your wife can dominate you, and you can dominate someone else or have vanilla sex with someone else, while she gets dommed/vanilla from another person.
The only experience I have of this,is years ago,like a typical man,I conveyed an interest in her having a roll around with another woman. She dismissed it out of hand saying she’d no interest in that. “A man can do anything a woman can,plus he’s got a dick,I couldn’t do without dick” was the reply. So that was that.
Even if you don’t open, it’s a great read for anyone, because jealousy has no healthy place even in monogamy.
Well,this I don’t entirely agree with,she often teases me with talk with a cuckold nature attached,sure it is arousing,but it makes me jealous too. I’ve never thought of it as unhealthy.
Otherwise I don’t see a good answer unless you do actually want to be dommed by her from now on, because why the hell would you go back to how things were?
I was doing ok until I got the note,the threatening language,ultimatums etc I suppose to throw me off balance,not let me get settled yet. Think she wants to win the battle of the minds,not just the bodies.
Topic starter
05/16/2021 12:29 pm
First, the apparently brief time over which this aspect of your relationship with your wife has evolved; second, the fact that your wife is engaging in standard male-fantasy femdom tropes
I usually post an update about once a week,it doesn’t actually feel that fast to me. I can’t really speak for her,when she sets her mind on something,she can follow it with an almost obsessive intensity.Something that’s severed her well in her business. It’s possible she discovered something that was always under the surface.
Second, all the things your wife is doing strike me as common femdom tropes. They are all typical male fantasy stuff you find everywhere on the internet
That’s likely true,a lot of people probably start off with stuff most ppl know. But that’s not to say she won’t settle into her own groove. Your not really giving her a chance to learn and grow,it’s like anyone that wants to dominate should know everything there is to know from birth. As I said to Devine,I’m sure even the best professional doms have spent a lifetime perfecting what they do.
One of the problems with internet fantasy is that it's, well, fantasy, a world in which every practice is wonderful and erotic and fulfilling for everyone involved
Well that’s the thing,it isn’t internet fantasy and she doesn’t want it to be. It’s real life and she’ll no doubt work at keeping it real lol.
I'll freely own it again: up to this point, you've been living my fantasy. But the ultimatum letter stopped me cold, and the potential for real harm to you and/or your relationship should you blindly agree to it doesn't rest peacefully in my mind.
Well,I don’t know,you gotta live your own fantasy. The ultimatum is part of the submission I guess.
And now that your wife has a taste of dominance and what might be possible in your sex life, a return to status quo ante would be colored by your recent experiences. Is she really willing to toss the bondage gear and the strapon, give up more frequent oral sex from you, and stop being dominant, and go back to a much more vanilla lifestyle? My gut says no.
Maybe she’s confident what way I jump. I followed my prostate journey blindly,after getting nothing for the first while,I still kept going,fuelled by the unknown pleasure that others here claimed were down the road. Maybe she thinks the same will happen here. Who knows what will be. One things for sure,I’ll find out in due course.
but your wife just added a whole lot to the Minus Column.
Maybe her Column will turn out to be the right column.
05/17/2021 1:19 am
Third, a big principle in the BDSM community is SSC: safe, sane and consensual. Responding to her ultimatum after three weeks of forced chastity is in no way fully consensual. I have a real problem with that kind of thing.Your relationship has moved very fast from involving your wife in prostate play, to pegging, to femdom, and is now trending toward a full FLR with pain, humiliation, jealousy (which says cuckoldry to my mind) and frustration. Are you really okay with all of that? One of the problems with internet fantasy is that it's, well, fantasy, a world in which every practice is wonderful and erotic and fulfilling for everyone involved... and in which nobody ever gets hurt.
Thank you for bringing up some excellent points. I am not used to speaking with people about BDSM. So it didn’t cross my mind, and I didn’t think about how fast our friend Helghast and his wife are spiraling into some serious stuff really quickly.
A woman taking control is not serious at all. It’s just reversing the roles of what most heterosexuals take for granted. However...
Totally true that hardcore pain, humiliation and jealousy are things that require serious consideration, talking through, even written contracts for some. I would ask for much more time, the time it takes to get educated TOGETHER. That is, read BDSM forums, find a community IRL, learn the lingo (do you know the terms safe words, aftercare, soft and hard limits, Ds lifestyle as opposed to Ds in the bedroom/play space etc?). Extreme controlling through ultimatums denotes an already Ds relationship, which implies that you have already talked in depth and informed yourself about these things, which I don’t think you have (for example, switch is a basic word in this lingo). And this is how people get seriously hurt, even musclemen such as yourself!
If you go to a professional Dom they don’t beat you up and piss on your face. They talk to you first about what you want, you even fill out forms about what you want and don’t want, and they are professionals with years of experience. Plus there isn’t a relationship on the line if things go wrong.
I know what you should do: go to a BDSM forum and explain this to them. I bet you’ll get a thousand responses that ressemble hrunting’s response, filled with people crying “red flag”. I feel like you brushed his responses off one by one. You asked an honest question (was it really rhetorical?), you are sharing your experiences in extreme detail with all of us, and you are looking for feedback. He gave you a really good response, coming from someone who obviously knows a lot about the subject.
As to your response about jealousy, cuckholding is a game. Everything in BDSM is a game. Otherwise SM would be actual torture and Ds would be abusive relationships. I don’t know about cuckholding because it doesn’t interest me and I haven’t taken the time to learn about it. But I am sure the people who practice it safely have control of their jealousy through a conscious effort (reading, thought, time, practice, even therapy). And again there are serious limits to be put in place in healthy cuckholding relationships.
So I hope you can take the ultimatum off the table and take the time and effort necessary to do this safely and properly, if indeed this is what you both want. We like you, we want you to play safe and keep your special relationship healthy and fun!
Topic starter
05/17/2021 5:53 am
Took the day to digest all advice given. It’s not that I brushed off any advice,I read and absorbed it intently. Maybe I share too much.
However ,I’ll admit, the stuff @hrunting said about her just collecting info off the top of google and it’s just kind of the stuff most people know,I took as a small sleight on her,like she isn’t smart enough to find the more in depth sites,or being boring or something, and doesnt know as much as some people.It’s all new,but I’m sure she’ll figure out the direction best for us. What can I say,I’m protective of her! Like I said above I need time to digest things,and see that perhaps it’s not as bad as I first thought lol. It’s just the way I am.
But,@hrunting,do not be thinking there’s a fall out,there isn’t,although initially I was a little offended,but i’m not now. It is valid advice,and one thing above all Ive taken from what you’ve said,there will be a conversation about all this. I’m actually very grateful for any and all pointers. Guess momentum has just us along without stopping to think. Don’t ever be cautious about telling it like it is,it sinks in eventually lol.
@devine_o I’ve been researching myself,I quite like the idea of contracts. That could work well,all set out.
05/17/2021 7:17 am
@Helghast, bro, be at peace. No offense intended, and none taken. I see that my comments might have stung a little. For that I apologize. Had I waited a little longer to respond, I might have found softer words. I wrote from real concern.
Let me rephrase my comments this way: I suspect y'all will have a major breakthrough when your wife leaves off men's fantasies for what are genuinely her own; that's when the real femdom lifestyle will begin.
Back to your original comment, am I right to think both you and your wife already know what your answer will be?There will be intercourse, she'll be the one doing it with the strapon, and I hope you're able to come hands free for her like she wants; otherwise, it's probably back in the cage for you. (Well, it's probably back in the cage for you, anyway...)
I hope your choice leads you and your wife into all that you want it to be. And then some. And while I can't go where you can, it is one hell of a journey, and I'm really looking forward to hearing how it unfolds. Don't keep us in suspense.
05/18/2021 2:13 am
Having thought it over more, I like my idea of going to a BDSM forum, or a sub forum, or a cuck forum, or whatever forum is most pertinent to what you are interested in. Here there are no active members with extensive experience in the domain you are treading in, as far as I know. Thus our advice is speculative at best. Many men have gone down your path before, they are just talking about it elsewhere...
Topic starter
05/18/2021 4:17 am
@divine_o Yea we are checking out other sites too. I’m sure it’ll get figured out.
Sooo.. I said last night that we might have to have a conversation,she replied let’s get the weekend over first and then I can talk until I’m blue in the face lol. An angle is in play,I just don’t know what it is lol.
05/19/2021 10:27 am
Took a while to read through this thread (and, as a mention, I wish this was all in "Couples Corner"!!! I don't go in there so much because topic threads like these are in "gen discussion" just a thought! I'm impressed Aneros moderators moved so darn quickly to create the CC for us 🙂
(You may have resolved all of this by the time I've posted this so sorry if this is irrelevant now I just wanted to express my ideas and feelings here)
Ok, I am not a BDSM expert at all. But, I like to think I'm more of a 'relationship expert' (and I say that softly and personally) because I've been at this with my wife, married 18 years, together 23 years, and we've been more sexual than my friends who are the biggest sluts (I'm talking about my MALE friends here!) anyone, including me, have ever known. Certainly more sexual than every married couple we've known in 20+ years, divorced or still together. We have had every kind of sex possible except swinging, sharing and bringing another person into our home. All the kinks, all the possibilities, we've tried numerous times. (Ok, I thought double penetration we haven't done but yes we've done with my cock and a toy and two toys lol!!)
I know @helghast you've got ideas and thoughts about all of this. You are living it, right now, and have been for some weeks! But that's what triggers me to comment on this topic and phase in your life that seems more than a phase or period of time: you've been at it for only a relatively short period of time. As you've explained and described your "new life", which I took as a phase or period of time at first, I have been excited for you and also at what my wife might could do for and with me and for her own self, too. So I've been right there with you man, I have!!!!
But the ultimatum letter, and the absolute resolve of dichotomy in your sex life--this or that, only--is something that bothers me. Its come so so so fast. I feel like you two are in, or should still be in, the exploratory phase of trying new things, where after, oh I don't know, at least a few more months, you both could expand on this and take it further after much trials and testing has been done. @hrunting speaks volumes and I have to agree with most everything he wrote. My wife and I researched BDSM and femdom (and maledom) quite a bit as the years have gone on and we never really tried to commit to it because it is a strong sex life change. One that has obvious pleasurable benefits and outcomes of course! But its a lifestyle that has rules and boundaries, expectations and also some mystery.
I imagined as you told the forum about these rapid, quickly occurring changes to your sex life that it was just for your sex life. I had no idea that it would spiral into full life so fast. I guess she's had some deep seated ideas or feelings or possibly issues that she never found an outlet to express before and what started as just prostate play has now turned into her peeing on you in bed and strong levels of orgasm denial and full control of the sex life you two shared. It might be more sex life than full life oriented, but wearing panties and a cock cage all day means you have pulled your sex life into your normal life and your decisions and actions anywhere are tainted and influenced by your sex life.
To me, shared is the big word here. It doesn't sound like there's much of a shared sex life between you if she's in full, absolute control. The other word I don't see mentioned much here (after a keyword search I found it used only once) is "power". I quoted from your OP because it says a lot to me:
She began by telling me she loved me and had enjoyed our new found experiences of late. She said it had been a mix of emotions for her. On the one hand she had felt sorry for me,watching my frustration which was blatantly obvious,the painful attempted erections,being horny all the time with no release in sight. Trying to be extra attentive and pleasing. On the other,she also enjoyed it,enjoyed having such power over my sexual pleasure and orgasm. One of the most pleasurable parts for her was having me hovering just outside my comfort zone. She said it had also been a little hard seeing how selfish a man can be.
So at first it sounded like she was in full-blown discovery mode and really appreciated what you began to feel from prostate stimulation. It was a "mix of emotions" for her. What were her emotions prior to the mixing, and what was introduced to create the mix? I'd have to go back and probably read her post and your earlier ones. She at first felt a little sorry for you based on your sexual frustration, the hard on attempts and no release. But it sounds like it she relished feeling sorry for you, which to me is her getting off on your pain. That's cool, I get it. I wish my wife could get off on stuff like this too!!! But, she paired it with the power she then held "over [your] sexual pleasure and orgasm" and what was most pleasurable for her was when you were uncomfortable, or "just outside [your] comfort zone."
Does that mean that you dominated the sexual relationship between you both and that's what made you comfortable? And now that she had the power, she held the power, you were no longer able to be the dominant role? If I'm reading all of this right, I could interpret all of this as "when the male can control his own orgasm, he is in control and has the power; when the woman controls the male orgasm, she is in control and has the power." I can also get into that. But it sounds like the BDSM you might enter into, given the ultimatum letter, is that she will have power over your life.
Power is powerful, no pun intended. Power was a big component of the dissertation I just wrote in anthropology and while it dealt with the past, it is the ultimate motivator for most human interaction. I have a new found understanding of this stuff and it is very intense shit!! We cannot get away from it. Someone has power over you, regardless of your role or position in society.
For her to jump headlong into this power role so fast is alarming. I believe someone, anyone, can do this. But she's not got a new job as a prison warden or store manager or something like that. This all stemmed from your attempt to seek new sexual pleasure and she was involved. I remember she wrote that at first when she saw your eyes rolling around and your reaction to Aneros in you she sort of scoffed at it as BS. But then when she realized it was legit she bought into it.
Lastly, you said that she said it was "a little hard seeing how selfish a man can be." Did she mean selfish like a man has control of his own orgasm and, as a top to a woman (and feminists and gay men have told me that women are always 'bottoms' in a standard relationship, its just how it can be interpreted), he has the power in the sexual relationship that is selfish? Or did she mean selfish in another kind of way? To me it now sounds like she's wielding and holding all of the power in your sexual relationship and assuming the role of the "selfish male" in regards to male sexuality. She's the dom, she's the top, you're the bottom. End of story. That's the option: be a top or be a bottom. I hope I'm not reading the ultimatum incorrectly here, but that's what it sounds like. And why "switch" was used to describe alternatives (if I got that right, too?!).
I imagined that once the 30-day anal orgasm challenge was over it would be a sexual milestone you both accomplished. Something you could both look at and prize over together; an accomplishment you both reached, achieved and worked toward. After that, I could only dream of where your sex life would go. It seemed like there was no limit to it. Both adventurous, both willing, both horny and excited for sex--all kinds--together. But to just only have it one way or the other? It seems like she's willing to throw all of this away and never try it again, which is a red flag to me that she's maybe not sincerely into it like she's saying and acting she is right now. I mean, the planning, the playing, the power, the control, the work and time, all of it was done to just throw away instantly if you don't decide to continue down the path of her as power-holder?? And if you do want it, your sex life, as a man, is forever changed into something almost absolutely different than it was before?
It seems like there's only the option of the "selfish male" left: either you are that person or she is. I don't understand why it has to be that way at all. (It might not be as intense as I'm reading it, but it kind of seems that way to me.) You two have developed intense emotions and fun over these weeks of this new play you've both discovered together. It can continue; there's no reason to turn the faucet off completely. And its too much for me to handle that you have to make that decision on your own. That seems like an awful lot especially since you are in an emotionally confusing and erratic state right now being caged and denied so intensely. Under duress people make rash decisions and have a hard time deciding what is right and wrong, what is true and false, and even what they did or did not do in reality.
Ultimately its your sex life and your relationship with her will grow and blossom in unknown ways regardless of your choice. I just hope that your play will soften a little so that there is more sharing between you sexually as a couple instead of adopting such intense top/bottom positions with little to no flexibility. Don't get me wrong, I'm not slamming your relationship, her or you in my comments here and I honestly don't know what's right or wrong since I'm not you. But, given your posts on this forum, I see more of a fun kind of sex life ahead for you both outside of the strong power-dominated role-assuming one that is being constructed right now.
Topic starter
05/19/2021 12:45 pm
I appreciate the concerns,they’ve been voiced but a few others too.
Some of the questions I can’t answer yet,but I will when I have the answers.
I haven’t the rights and wrongs all figured out yet. Yes I was always the dominant one in our relationship and sex life,and unless she corrects me,that’s just the way she liked it. However,I’ve discovered some new frontiers to explore via my Aneros journey,things I probably wouldn’t have years ago. She has too,so maybe she feels it’s her turn to take the reigns after 20 years together,and yea,I suppose for about 19.9 of those,I had it all my own way. Maybe she thinks she’s best suited to lead from now on.
The one thing i fear you guys may be reading to much into is the selfish man quip. I think it was a playful dig is all. She,I think,was simply pointing out that I’ve complained numerous times about chastity/zero sex. I hadn’t actually asked her how she was doing with zero sex,as chastity for me is still part chastity for her if you know what I mean.
05/19/2021 1:31 pm
Long train ride=bdsm forum research.
I read about cuckholding practices on hotwives because, like I said, I know naught about it. And it confirmed what I assumed: that many consider it outside the realm of jealousy because there is nothing to be jealous of. That is, you know your partner will come back to you, because they love you. However, there was the word “angst” thrown around. I guess it means being afraid of being left, but not being jealous of the person who poses the threat.
While for me that isn’t sexually exciting, I understand the difference between the two. Jealousy is a specific feeling that is part of a sense of monogamous possession, and it is negative as it shadows over other more constructive emotions. When my ex left me for another man and I was devestated, I didn’t have any hard feelings for her and I couldn’t have cared less about new partner, I just was sad for my lost connection with her. In my case jealousy would have prevented me from healing from my loss. In cuck’s case, jealousy probably ruins the excitement, the angst, and also the compersion (the opposite of jealousy, or, happiness for your partners pleasure).
Anyways, all this to say that I stand by my recommendation of reading the ethical slut and learning to deal with jealousy, whether or not it is currently an issue. Because BDSM relationships often involve third fourth and fifth wheels, whether it is part of cuckholding or part of satisfying all of one’s many kinks, and when that comes up it is best to be psychologically prepared.
05/20/2021 8:13 am
Thanks for clarifying that, about who was the dom in the relationship. Makes more sense now, the evolution of your anal sex play into her dominating you, and the role reversal and sheer delight she must be feeling now. And, yes, if you are in a cock cage she can't indulge your penis at all either! Chastity is for both parties when one holds the key: neither gets access to the caged genitals. The denier is denied as well. This is all so interesting. I did a lot of research a few months ago on chastity and cock cages and it seems like a lot of prep work and planning. Can't just throw it on and go from there, there's planning involved like "wear when sleeping or not?" or "wear when bathing or not?" and my wife said if I wanted to try for however long she'd take control of the key and we'd see what happens. She can't keep her hands off me for too long though, she wants it as much as I do so its hard to abstain for too long!
If anything helghast, I hope you two develop this new found sex journey into something amazing and highly fulfilling for you both, equally. 🙂
Topic starter
05/20/2021 9:42 am
Thank you for the research. I’m reading up and gobbling up as much info as I can. I’m going to throw in here that I feel the cuckold angle just a bit of teasing sex talk. A lot of guys seem to think it’s a plan,and I’m not sure about that. That’s something I don’t believe she’d want or force.
Topic starter
05/20/2021 10:31 am
Give it a blast,it’s an interesting experience. I’m now aroused even when I’m not aroused,constant sexual tension.And it’s not going to let up until I get release.
I wear it all the time,even sleeping because that’s the way she planned it.
And thanks,I too hope this is all going somewhere really great 🙂
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