my journey so far-gctid6943

i feel i have to pen this post as it seems like the adequete time. i feel this because i think it would be beneficail to me and to other other anearosians (like the term whoever penned that one)

(this would be the follow up if you like from my first post [url] http://www.aneros.com/forum/f5/help-shed-light-16330/ [/url])

i came to this conclusion after catologing much information from previous posts, and finding that there is indeed much usefull information there to help guide me on this journey. and i would implore any new user to do the same and read as much information and digest with a frame of spirit that says 'yeah!'.

the time spent as a part of this comunity has been a rewarding one, and sense positivity from almost all posts. the post that did cause me much discomfort... the user has since been banned, but the post in itself was more straining on me because of the negative outlook and sheer selfishness that was merely a reflection of who i was than anything vulgar or obscene. and in the end it spoke to me.

i now have the desire to spread onto others happy things, before i didn't it was only about me and what i wanted. this post that i read pretty much expressed what were my own views on the life game. when looked at cut and dry makes much sense. but from my own far beyond anything i could have hoped for experience has taught me that we have a choice as to how we tread our life path.

it is NOT controlled by our 'hardwiring' i.e choose a mate with high resources, spread your seed as far and as wide as you can with the most physically attractive pairing... leaves no room in the eqaution that we really can choose to embrace our nurturing and protective sides as males. i understand this very well as i had all but lost this will to help others and be a happy human being... just being. oh and just if your wondering i'm not on any drugs right now lol. (caffiene and nicotine excepted)

i now have this will, though i will say i am a long way from being 'there'. and actually being able to express this 'other side'as much as i would like, but this doesn't mean it hasn't been worth it so far... i have indicators that i'm moving in the right direction. like i ring my mom now and before we hardly ever spoke and i find it comforting to hear her voice... i can't remember the last time i felt that. probably because i couldn't let go of my pent up negative emotions directed that way that where holding me back from enjoying something greater.

the result of my life so far, broke, no real job, live in tiny room in a shared house (and i mean tiny), no support network of freinds no real familial contact, big debt. happy to be born for the first time in a very very long time in my oh so short life. were as before i always thought that if i had a choice to being born i would have chose the other road, because i couldn't see a point. now i know theres no real point or rather the point of being alive is being alive.
I feel like i'm moving more towards the state of a child. a more freer individual... the odds are not stacked against me, i've read and duly sympathise with 'niether gain nor loss can touch my shadow, we are all children of divinity'.

if this was the only way i've changed that in itself i find to be very significant, i'm being rewired so to speak too. my emotional state is less one of great burden, more look to the present moment and to the future.

i'm scared about changing, it's scary, but at the same time i want to. scared of the emotions i could feel, or be brought up. things are changing fast, but in a good way.

from all this catloging i came to a realisation as to how much my life has actually changed from being delightfully dropped on this path, actually my life was changed in a mere moment.