This is an entry to talk about the ebb and flow of my erotic life. It has been a week without a wet orgasm for me, which is relatively unusual. Scheduling pressures, and myriad distractions actually overpowered the chance to interact with J and be intimate. So instead, this hs been a week of MMO sessions.
I was recently talking to a friend here who was experiencing the same thing. Now as I am sitting here writing this I am telling myself the same thing I told him: “hey it happens”.
So as I sat drinking a cup of tea on the couch in the quiet of our kitchen a short time ago, I pondered this inside out and outside in character of my sexuality. It is this mysterious thing that motivates me to have liaisons with it in the remote solitude inside my own body and inspires me to celebrate it with J, showing off for her as we both admire the physical beauty of each other’s sexual response.
As a guy my sexuality was very cock focused . . . I couldn’t help it. It was engrained in me. I was and still am fascinated with my own cock, and now other guys cocks too. I do stand in front of the mirror occasionally and admire it as I tug it to stiffness. I have done videos of me self pleasuring myself in elaborate backgrounds and wearing all kinds of erotic props. I have taped and watched in fascination as ropes of thick white pearlescent cum rolls and sometimes is hurled from my swollen cockhead as I shudder in explosive orgasm.
My elongated pleasure stiffened penis has long been a source of fascination for J. She loves looking at it and I know that she genuinely loves sucking on it and especially inducing it to spew my cream for her. She has told me many times over the years that the sensation of the smooth skin of my cockhead and the feeling of the firm ridge of my crown on her tongue is very arousing for her. She also has told me that the gentle pulsing of my cock in her mouth that is followed by the sensation of hot pungently sweet cum filling her mouth is very erotic for her. For these reasons and more I have always enjoyed being the exhibitionist to her repressed voyeuristic proclivities.
Being a sexual guy for me for the first 40 plus years of my life has involved this visible dimension of my sexuality. I am reminded of a line from a classic African American play in which a sassy young woman says to an older man: “a woman is a woman till the day she dies, a man is only a man as long as he can.” Visible erection, the precious few seconds of the sweet relief of orgasm and the ability to sustain and use my hard cock to please my lady described and defined my sexuality.
But in my mid forties the paradigm began to shift and I discovered the inner world of my sexuality, a darker and more complex vintage. That inner world is a passive world that welcomes anal pleasure; eroticism is not just cock focused for me anymore. It is a world where the pleasure is all perceived inside of me, there is no visible evidence of it.
This new inner world of sexual pleasure has no outwardly visible manifestations. Although my dick is typically stone hard when I start to experience an MMO, it softens as the session deepens and ultimately an hour into an intense session my cock is actually diminutive.
The psychology of rewired prostate pleasure and anal orgasm actually is matched by a physical component. It is a component that does not compel me to proactively do something to cause myself to experience pleasure, more appropriately I had to learn to use my muscles and my mind to relax and surrender to the pleasure that the MMO itself brought to me. It became a process of succumbing to sensation, opening my legs and my anus to allow pleasure to enter me and not stifle it as it ignites inside of me.
Pleasure comes as gentle waves of erotic euphoria that repeat and repeat and speed up as pleasure deepens; each recurring wave rhythmically squeezes more and more pleasure from me. They grow in their intensity, parting my anal opening and drilling into my anus as they unleash excruciatingly ecstasy into my quivering anal canal. I have learned to let small smoldering cinders of pleasure grow into roaring conflagrations of ecstatic agony deep inside me, far away from my cock.
These new internal whole body orgasms were a manifestation of my mind colluding with my body to create fertile ground to experience lush and powerful sexual sensation, without my cock.
It is Sunday morning. This Sunday morning punctuates a particularly stressful couple of weeks that have as I said stifled my sexual response. As I embark on this next few weeks leading up to Christmas I know that my life will slow down and my desire will respond by growing in the clearing that results from productivity retreating.
I also know that this writing I do will help me tie my erotic wagon to the sensuality of the season. The dark cold colorfully lit nights of December and the warm embrace of J in bed at night will provide ample fodder for written expression of my sexuality as well as divine inspiration for erotic intimacy and deeply private sexual sensation.