something new came up during this afternoon's session. I was doing nothing, just aware of the aneros caressing my prostate and pleasuring me and doing the tantric breathing. I was just going along this way and the thought popped into my head that something else is blocking my way to more pleasure. When the energy of the tantric breathing reached my heart it transformed into mostly tears and some shaking. It took a while of sobbing, getting more intense and louder, to get to the root of the grief.
I've been anxious my whole life, probably since I was born. My mother and I almost died during childbirth. Then I was scalded with boiling water when I was a year old. I've always felt that I was different but when I reached puberty, I found out what that difference was. I immediacy suppressed that discovery until my 32nd year when I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. All this has kept me in a constant state of vigilance, hiding myself for my survival. I became like a chameleon who is constantly adjusting itself to blend in, to meet other people's needs, not my own. Consequently my ego is like putty, malleable according to who I'm with to an extreme degree. We all do something like this I suspect, but most people have a solid sense of who they are to fall back on. It's hard to explain.
Why this came up now is that I'm intending to surrender to these new inner experiences by ditching my ego, and I'm afraid (as usual) that I won't have anything to come back to when it's over. In other words I don't have an ego that's solid enough.I had a similar experience with dropping acid in the 70's and almost didn't make it back. At that time I prayed to Mary and she pulled me together.
Anyway, this is my "angels at the gate", frightening guardians of Eden, obstacles to be overcome. My fears are all old stuff now, the nebulous anxiety about survival, leftover from childhood. I know that I will survive the old fears, that I have, in fact, survived. I need to be true to myself at all times and continue my aneros psychotherapy. To be continued…
Several hours later;
My breathing has become completely tantric during this aneros session. The Breathing movements of my chest and abdomen continually create pleasure with each breath. I can stay in this place as long as I am breathing. When I have to end the session, I notice that I'm still breathing the same way but the pleasure is much less intense. I guess my breathing is rewired!