Sexless Marriage

@wetdream63 we had been in a mostly sexless marriage for many years, and a couple years ago i said 'no more!' and put in an effort to be more intimate with my wife. she has since had a procedure that miraculously has allowed her to actually enjoy penetrative sex for the first time in our 22 year marriage. We both are tired almost all the time, but I am no longer content with sexless cohabitation. Also, do you consider blowjobs to not count ? Because my wife will give me head whenever I am feeling for it.

Just looking to create a poll to identify how many of us are in sexless marriages. There is the statistical sexless marriage of 10 or fewer times per year and there is the total sexless marriage e.g. no sex within the last 12 months. In my case we averaged 4 times per year for many years, then the last few 2 times per year. Now we have agreed to stop altogether.

How does that make you feel Wetdream63? I thought that sex was one of the blessings of being married. You still have your libido. How do you deal with that going forward?

I think a more interesting poll might be..Why are you in a sexless relationship?
[USER="58120"]Neveryman[/USER] discusses a medical problem the wife had,which is fair enough,but surely everyone isn’t in the same boat,so I’d ask why?
You have agreed to stop having sex? Why would you agree to stop having sex?

To elaborate, marital sex for us declined for us over our years due to many factors: Sex hurt my wife, it was literally a chore for us to find a position that wasn't painful. Intercourse was really about me, not us, as her libido was also incredibly low. I was no lust monster but because I knew my wife didn't get much from sex, she rarely if ever initiated it. Who could blame her. Also, she hated her body then and hates it even more now. She hates it so much that she is too self conscious for me to go down on her. I slowly lost interest, and she was really fine without sex.

This whole situation caused me to pursue different, more pleasurable forms of masturbation. I became fascinated and obsessed with the 'hands free wet orgasm'. So, I practiced techniques that would be immensely pleasurable but would not make me cum. I would self pleasure for hours, tons of precum and waves of dry orgasms, but no cum. This was super cool and I really developed 'staying power'. It's this time in my thirties I first got interested in Aneros and experienced the joy of prostate orgasms.

All of this was wonderful, but much time passed, and a couple years ago I decided that no matter how much work and effort it took, I was going to build a sexually intimate relationship with my wife. Slowly, deliberately. I restarted Aneros at that time and it has blown my mind with how horny it has made me. We are still working on more intimacy, but when we do f*** it feels sooo much better to her. I am more mature now and am ready to focus more on her pleasure, when she lets me. We still need to get around her not enjoying herself, but I am hopeful. There is NOTHING I would not do to her, with her and for her, all she needs to do is ask.

[USER="58120"]Neveryman[/USER] Hey that’s really great,top banana!! That’s my point exactly,your determined to build the intimacy..Sometimes it takes work to keep things going,my wife and I have a great marriage,I’m 40,and we still bang virtually everyday,but we have kept it going through the good and bad. Really glad things have improved for you,keep at it,you can drag her confidence up off the floor. 🙂

Hi Guys,
For What It's Worth, here are a couple of TEDx talks you might find interesting TEDxStanleyPark - No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath and TEDxCU - The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis
Good Vibes to You !

Hi, @wetdream63, did you already take notice of my poll of 2017?
32 votes so far: Are there lucky guys having sexual intercourse with their partners?
Good vibes!
Mart

Just looking to create a poll to identify how many of us are in sexless marriages. There is the statistical sexless marriage of 10 or fewer times per year and there is the total sexless marriage e.g. no sex within the last 12 months. In my case we averaged 4 times per year for many years, then the last few 2 times per year. Now we have agreed to stop altogether.

Give this info a try. http://www.oysterbed7.com/why-sex/

My wife & I have been married over 50 years - and it has never stopped hurting we are in a sexless marriage. Even when we first were married, I might have gotten 'lucky' once or twice a month or so. After we chose to have 2 kids in the 70s, it was once every few months. In the 80s and 90s - literally years would pass. Nothing. All during this time, I insisted on trying marriage counselling (5-6 times) that went nowhere, and she refused any more than one or two sessions. I bought us both books, videotapes, tried to open conversations. Nothing. She threw out the tapes, didn't read the books, and we didn't talk sex or feelings. The last time we saw a therapist was maybe 15 years ago - and again, I put all my feelings on the table - told her I just wanted more of her. It was excruciating. The next day she said: No more counselling, no sex. That was the end.

Since then, I've had prostate BPH / TURP, lots of cardiac problems, and total 100% E.D. We don't talk about feelings or do much of anything together (zero sex this century). The Aneros helps when my body cries to be touched. Most nights I wake (nocturia) feeling very lonely. At this point - I have no further option but to accept us both for who we are, and love what we've got - polite, concerned, un-expressed care for each other, and conflict avoidance. The option of divorce at our age would be far worse - and no: a tryst has never been my choice. But, even after 50 years, it never stops hurting. I can accept what I can not change - but it still hurts - and No: I don't want to get into an online exchange over this. I just want to encourage others along the same path to keep trying. It's not easy to be at the end of the process with no further options.

I agree that the hurt goes on and on and observe that @Buffalo 's orderly account of his hurt put a period at the end of the thread.

I live with a brilliant and sexy woman in a marriage that according to the clinical definition is sexless. Put that in with the polling numbers.

Read "The Ethical Slut"! Sometimes the best way to deal with a sexless relationship is to open up the possibility of seeing other people for sexual fulfillment. It can take the tension away in a relationship between two people with different libidos or sexual desires (e.g. one member of the couple who enjoys sex with strangers, or BDSM play, or sex with another gender than their partner). Jealousy is a real emotion, but it can easily be analyzed and practically eliminated. Society has taught us many social constructs that we take for granted, such as monogamy and possessiveness of one's partner. The monogamous relationship has a certain appeal, but once jealousy is thrown out the window, you might realize that you can still love your partner more than anyone, and they can love you more than anyone, even if you are each having sex (or not) with other people.

Anyone who is here is questioning their sexuality in a certain sense. We are all looking to push our pleasure to its limits in the short time we have on this planet. So why not question society's constraints that we are supposed to abide by? Why not question all that holds us back from living our greatest sexual fantasies (as long as they involve consenting adults, of course)? If jealousy is all that is holding us back, then it is time to banish jealousy for good from our lives.

I understand that it is difficult to embark on such radical ideas with a partner, especially after decades of marriage abiding to the "normal" rules. But it doesn't hurt to try. There is so much literature on the subject (again, "The Ethical Slut", for starters), and there are many excellent relationship therapists all over the world that are willing to help deconstruct jealousy and to open relationships.

Buffalo, neveryman, rollingalong have described masses of deep pain / disappointment with great dignity and nobility. But rather attempting a psycho-social fix, I wonder whether y'all have explored possible hormonal imbalances?

The four hormones in question are estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and -- most important of all -- thyroid. (Incidentally US thyroid tests are messed-up by the presence of fluorine in drinking water, which neutralizes the Thyroxine molecule. )

I was reading in my doctor's waiting room today an article by Belgian doctor, Thierry Hertoghe, on the question of hormonal balances of women. His contact is [email protected] and I believe his analysis is based on evaluating a 24-hour urine sample. He has long been recommended by the Broda Barnes Foundation, here in the US, as very gifted in this area of hormonal balance.

Thanks for recommending something other than psycho-social fixes. I have not been referred to an endocrinologist or sought one out, putting hormonal fixes in the distant future. But, I am not sure what hormone-manipulation would do for me either. You gotta play hurt.

Reminds me of an old joke. Q: What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A: You can’t hear a vitamin.

Sometimes the best way to deal with a sexless relationship is to open up the possibility of seeing other people for sexual fulfillment. I agree with that.

I've been struggling just to get to the "Marriage" part. But good luck to you guys.

Unless a medical issue,has no one considering the idea of leaving their relationship. I don’t believe your bound to a relationship where your needs aren’t being met.

You are bound. That's kind of the point of marriage. But that might be a discussion suited for a whole new thread.

Agreed. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is not just about sex. Other than the sex side, my marriage is really good. Early in my marriage I was angry and frustrated with the lack of sex. I got over it. I look at all the wonderful things. So, years ago I decided to stop asking her for sex. I made it clear that I was always willing if she wanted and all she had to do is ask. But that I would no longer ask or bug her for it. And, that kissing and cuddling would be just that and I would not escalate - she would have to initiate or escalate. The net result is we are still statistically sexless but are more affectionate and kiss and cuddle intimate. She masturbates in private. I do the same - although often it is prostate rather than penis stimulation for me. About 2 to 4 times per year she will initiate and we will have sex. Always with a condom as she is terrified of getting pregnant in perimenopause. I practice coitus reservatus, where I will not attempt to ejaculate, as it takes me a very long time to climax, especially with a condom and that would make her very sore. So we make love until she has one or two orgasms, then we stop. And I carry a glow for the next couple days!

@wetdream63 Wy not do a vasectomy? My husband did after our last child 9 years ago, it is the best child birth control and it is no need of hormons for the lady. I was angry if taken hormons and sore if using condoms so in our case we used birthcontrol by me knowing my body well (i knew when i had ovulation). He have never had any health problems from it.