The Best Lubes: A Highly Subjective Review

Hey Anerians-

Like everyone here, I’ve been on a quest for that #1 immortal lubricant for Aneros sessions. For me, in order to survive the Quickening and receive the Prize, a perfect anal lube must have:

• agility (delicate, i.e helps our toys move independently, and increases, rather than decreases sensation)
• staying power (doesn’t need constant reapplication)
• ease of use (not difficult to get on or in)
• balanced viscosity (lubricates without feeling thick, greasy, dry, or sticky—more viscous = thicker)
• isn’t messy (not too runny, drippy, gooey, stainy, or aesthetically unpleasant)
• doesn’t contain synthetics or chemicals (if it comes from a corporation or lab, it’s out.)

Again, I'm talking anal lube specifically, not sex lube--each is designed for a particular purpose, and anal lube is a separate animal because it has to facilitate entry and pleasure in ways trad sex doesn't...I don't like any of the following products for wanking or sex, because they're all too viscous, which diminishes penile sensation; think filling potholes to make a ride smoother. Our dicks don't want smoother feedback, they want more feedback. Anyway, over the years I’ve DQd all but these. Here they are with totally subjective rank, reasoning and tips. Enjoy.

#1: Shea Butter
Viscosity: varies from high (thick) to low (thin)
Advantages: lasting, luxurious
Disadvantages: unusual scent, needs to warm up to become emollient

Shea is derived from the tree of the same name in Africa, and from the jar, it’s like library paste; thick and stubborn. Not a selling point, but your patience will be richly rewarded: After it goes inside you, it becomes lightly viscous, lubricates like magic, and requires no further ministrations. Shea warms up and stays warmer. An added benefit that I’ve discovered is that at normal room temp you can roll up a good pinch into a little ball and push it in with a finger tip, then prime the foyer as you withdraw your finger. Lube shooters don’t work with all lubes, certainly not shea unless you preheat it, and excess mess trying to get lube inside you is a pain in the ass. Shea balls obviate all that. Get a little Shea inside, wait a few minutes, and you’ll discover a delicious warmth and liquidity that you might not have experienced. The Aneri seem to love it too, and they move beautifully with Shea.

Although mild, some might not like the smell: sweet cashew butter with a hint of car wax. I actually do, and have formed a Pavlovian response to it. Shea? Woof!

#2 (or ALT#1): Tattoo Butter Co. Inc.
Viscosity: medium to low
Advantages: superior ingredients, mild, not oily, not runny, non-fragrant, long-lasting, easy to clean, also wonderful outside of your ass
Disadvantage: hard to find

This would be my #1 pick if it weren’t so hard to find or compare. It’s a bit like an amazing mattress—try finding the same one at a different store. Check out the ingredients here: https://www.tattbutter.com/site/what-is-tatt-butter/ . They’re first rate. Tatt Butter’s superior mix makes it elegant and unobtrusive. I use it for almost every session, either a little internally, a coating on the toy, or both, and it’s always a winner. Tatt Butter is what Vaseline wishes it were. It has that wonderful agility, it’s thin when warm, it’s never gooey, it never needs reapplying, and doesn’t feel synthetic in any way. It’s the opposite of an irritant, and I not only find it effective and erotic, I find it soothing. The problem is, it’s only available if your local tattoo joint carries it, or if you register on the site as a buyer, I think (I haven’t tried this, so can’t say for sure.) But Tatt Butter Co Inc doesn’t seem set up to sell a little tin of balm to a single customer. Ask your local inkspot if they carry it, or could. Tatt Butter led me to search for similar products online, and I found a slew of similar tattoo salves and ointments on Amaz, etc., each with lots of good ingredients and nothing nasty. They were also from small businesses, not big pharmalabs. Worth a gander, if they compare in quality of ingredients.

#3: Argan Oil
Viscosity: ultra-low
Advantages: super thin and agile, long-lasting, non-irritating, non-fragrant
Disavantages: Pricey, drippy, and there are socio-environmental concerns

Argan oil is named for the Argans, a pygmy-like tribe in Nepal that raises and harvests an excretion from an animal called a mantuuk, a cousin to a yak, and there are only 1000 or so mantuuks left in the world. Bullllll-shit! you say, Blazing Saddles style? OK, you got me. It’s oil from a tree in Morocco. And it’s harvested by women who work in cooperatives, all so I can put it in my ass. It’s rumored that people even eat it and use it in cosmetics too. Anyway, argan oil is so slick and slippery it’s like liquid lust. It lasts until you clean it out, it’s milder than anything I’ve used, it’s a terrific moisturizer, you don’t need much, and your Aneri will move like they’re sentient.

I hate to add cons, but there are a couple. It’s extremely runny, and it costs more than other options. Check around, but four ounces’ll run you about $15. That’ll last forever, though—it comes with an eyedropper, and if you use six to a dozen drops, you’ve got enough for years of pleasure. So it isn’t really expensive. But it is a concern that as demand rises, the women who make it are being targeted by big companies who want to break up their co-ops and pay them to work separately. Also, when the cosmetic world goes gaga for a scarce resource, it spells trouble. Go organic, and try to find where it’s sourced before it goes where the sun doesn’t shine. But ye gods, apply a coating to your favorite Aneros, and discover new meaning to the word movement—argan oil makes for almost frictionless frolicking. I very rarely get beyond semi-erect during a session, but the first time I tried argan oil with my HIH950, I went to full mast just from the improved toy travel.

Overall, the above three choices are my win/place/show. I almost always use a combination of two of them for sessions, usually an internal ball of shea, plus a coating of argan oil or tatt butter on the Aneros; sometimes I’ll do tatt butter with argan. All alone it’s either shea or tatt butter at the photo finish.

#4: The Butters Original
Viscosity: medium-low/butterlike
Advantages: simple ingredients, great source, independent, not fragrant, earth friendly
Disadvantages: messy, more difficult to apply, gooey at room temp, not as ‘agile’ as other lubes.

I found the website https://getthebutters.com/ when I was hunting for—wait for it—personal lubes. I like the guy's POV and humor, his website, his disavowal of corporate anything or nasty ingredients of any kind, and his commitment to social and enviromental concerns in regard to his products. But I don’t use The Butters as much as shea or argan oil, which tells me something. Maybe I find it a little too greasy and cloying, maybe it doesn’t have the thin, polite viscosity of others, maybe the Aneros toys don’t move quite as well in it. Maybe I like it a little less because it is a bit buttery looking, like I should be drizzling it on popcorn, rather than my prostate. I don’t want to knock it—I like The Butters, and do use it. But it still feels like I’m reading a book that I respect, rather than one I truly enjoy, and that I could be reading something else. Conclusion: I want to like The Butters more than I really do, but I feel like I’m not being fair. Needs be I conduct more empirical research, by Jove! Oh, by-the-by: his other products are really cool. He does lip balm, shaving oils, etc, and they’re worth a try, especially to support one of the good guys.

#5: Coconut oil
Viscosity: low
Advantages: simple, fragrant, food-grade safety, anti-fungal/bacterial
Disadvantages: super runny and drippy, not easy to insert or clean up, can be grainy, and it’s not good with plastic or latex

I like coconut oil, but begging forgiveness from its disciples, I don’t love it. At room temp it’s a little grainy, and when it warms up it’s really, really runny and makes a hell of a mess. Dunno about you guys, but I try to keep sessions on the cleaner side—not too drippy, with a washcloth underneath to avoid staining sheets or blankets. Unless you only use a wee bit, coconut oil needs way more dummy-proofing than usual before play, or you’ll have permanent Rorshach blots on your bedstuff. It definitely has its pluses: great toy response, light, smells great. Yummy. Cheap. It even boasts certain anti-fungal attributes. But oil is oil, and spills can be an environmental disaster. Also, read up on oils and plastic/latex--they don’t get along. I don’t worry about it with my Aneros stable; they’re sanded and glossy, and the oils have no discernible effect on them whatsoever. Academics aside, overall coconut isn't a balanced choice to me, although it does have its talents.

#6: Olive oil*
Viscosity: you all know, duh
Advantages: cheap, versatile, great in pasta, salad, and anal cavities
Disadvantages: oily (no!), stainy, and can be harder to cleanse internally; irritates tissues in some people

Olive oil makes for a natural lube that’s easy and safe to use, and it's been used in coital contact since ancient times (Odysseus hisself got lots of nice rubdowns with the stuff from friendly maidens and horny demi-goddesses.) But it too is a nuisance to clean up in my experience, so while it feels good, it’s another food oil I mostly keep for food; I don’t like to use things for anal play that also smell like great meals. Argan oil blows it out- olive is more viscous, almost like a slight dampener between me and my toy. It’s the dull cousin to argan oil. Your mileage may vary, I know, but olive oil’s like coconut oil to me: it lacks delicacy. Unlike coconut oil, though, olive doesn’t have antifungal properties, and can increase the chances of irritation for sensitive types. I don’t fret about that, but I posit that there are more sleek, effective options. Between olive and coconut, I prefer my ass to smell like a smoking hot babe in the tropics than a guy named Sal at my local trattoria. Apologies to anyone named Sal.

*There is a bitchin' trick for making hands ultra soft and foreplay-smooth that olive oil's best for: Take a teaspoon of sugar in your palm, add enough OO to turn in into a liquidy paste, then rub your hands together for a minute or two, taking care to rub rough spots like callouses, fingertips, and dry patches, esp. the purlique, that stretch of skin between your thumb and index finger that gets the most quality time with our Johnsons. Rinse, dry, and you’lll be astounded at how soft and luxe your new beauty-parlor hands feel. Bollocks to expensive products; get your hands ready for antics of all sorts with this method. Wanking will feel like you took off gloves. Thank the Pantheon.

What I’ve dropped like a hot endocrine disruptor is anything that comes from a lab. That includes lubes that contain parabens, propylene glycol, glycerin, petroleum/Vaseline, and anything that ends with -ethyl, -esther, or idine. There are several reasons: the tissues in your netherhighway are not only very sensitive, they are also quite vascular, and a great way to communicate things to your bloodstream. Doctors put suppository medicines in rectums—think why. Answer: what goes in you, goes in you. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t swallow it, don’t insert it. Read this brief article for a little eyebrow lift: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/should-people-be-concerned-about-parabens-in-beauty-products/ . Besides all this, artificial, manufactured lubes get sticky, need reapplying, rewetting, and come with all kinds of cautions. They aren’t good for women, either. We get to rub things on our wedding tackle without a care, but for our female partners, things get more complicated. Glycerin—a sugar, in essence—can set the stage for yeast infections, and lots of corporate lubes contain it. Even silicone, a swear-by for many, is hard to get off, and the rectum isn’t a place to put things that aren’t easy to extricate. Fact is, we're not really supposed to put anything in our asses. They are designed as an exit, not an entrance, else there would be natural lubrication ala vaginas. Hence this whole post—our holes need holistic TLC. And honestly, give up our Aneri because they technically don’t belong there? With that logic, neither should we smoke cigars, drink whisky, eat greasy Mexican food, masturbate, eat ice cream, drive fast, masturbate, gamble, play loud music that annoys neighbors, masturbate, or masturbate. But like Shakespeare once said, "I spent half of my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted." *

Best of pleasures,

Zenopause

*Bulllll-shit!