Premature Ejaculation/Erectile Disfunction - Need help/advice

Hey RSilva,

I hear you bro!!! I'm 26, also shy, afraid of commitment, somewhat bi though haven't been in a sexual intercourse with anyone yet. I also feel more sexually attracted to men but I cannot see myself having a love relationship with a man. Oh man! I'm very sorry to hear about your problem! Have you ever tried edging???? which is basically prolonging your jerk off session little by little. You just need to learn backing off before you get too excited, that's all. Getting in tune with your body feelings and reactions can be challenging.. but very often it only takes strong will and practice to listen to it. I'm actually having the opposite problem these days.. I don't ejaculate easily at all. Very often all these sexual dysfunctions are caused by fear or inconvenience.. So it may be all in your head. Nevertheless I recommend getting some medical advice still .. it's never a bad idea to check things out.. I can totally relate to your feelings!!! I had to show my genitals to a doctor a couple of times, and I was super self conscious about it! It wasn't that bad after all.. the fear was so bad before the first time that I almost decided not to do it and rather die than show my genitals to a Doctor. DON'T GET YOURSELF CIRCUMCISED! There's a lot of research online showing that it may make your penis only less sensitive in a bad way. You don't wanna get less sensitive.. you only wanna get your body under control.. Hang in there buddy! You'll get over it 🙂

All the best,

Kev

Hi Kev, thanks.

I know how to edge and I know when my orgasm is comming. The problem is that minimal contact is "necessary" to really push me through the edge.

An example I forgot to mention, condoms are real excitators for me. I rarely get real hard, generally I'm in a mid-erect posture (which is not enough for penetration), I think there's a problem with that too. When I'm with a condom naturally most of the times I'll be semi-hard, and that much contact of the contact is really intense when I try doing something to my penis, I'll last way less (my intercourse attempts were even worse because of this). Constant contact may push me beyond the edge. When I'm getting too excited I know I have to stop, I can control that, but I can't do it if my penis keeps getting contact (like a condom), it's very hard to try to get over it when your penis is still getting excited. And of course, my erection vanishes in a moment as I said. So I'll need more stimulation to get it hard again, and both the premature ejaculation and/or the full erection problems work together to make it a hell. Having to stop every 5 seconds is clearly not a solution, I will do anything with that. That's why I can't perform at all, I'm having both problems 🙁

When I masturbate I actually prefer the second orgasm much more. The first is super fast I can't barely enjoy it, I surely try to delay it as much as I can, but when it happens it's so easy and pleasurably confusing, but I have to really work out to reach the second one (sometimes fast and aggresive masturbation), and it releaves much more than the first, it's much more an achievement and generally feels better even if I notice that my physical response was much better in the first. I feel that if my first orgasm need as much work it'll be way stronger and pleasurable. In the second one, like in the first one the erection is subpar, in the second one is even worse (as it should be), but again after much work I get to orgasm with my penis reaching an acceptable hardness only when I'm orgasming and not through all the stimulation phase. It's impossible to work out with this.

About doctors, as long as they're strangers I'll have no problem with it, I have to have my problem solved and it's their job so I'll be more than happy to show them what isn't working, although I don't see how can they verify that other than with my accounts. It's just that my main doctor is a friend of my family and etc and I'll try to avoid it as much as I can.

I know most premature ejaculation problems are psychologial and naturally that can be my problem, but if my problems are only psychological I know it'll be an absolute nightmare and I'm not sure I'll able to overcome that. I know this as 3 years ago I had a problem with panic attacks that came out of nowhere and it was an horrible thing to destroy my inner me. Since the first second of the first panic attack I knew it was everything in my mind, but still some part of me refused to accept it and lauched them. I was just powerless. Of course in this phase I visited psychologists and phychiatrists because it was possibly the worst phase of my life, I was extremely depressed and felt completely helpless and powerless to fight something I knew it didn't exist. I rationally knew it was nothing but couldn't fight that. I took drugs and psychologist sessions but I felt no evolution at all. In some days I was mildly ok, in other I was in the bottom of the well. I was extremely obsessed with this problem and couldn't just think of something else. I think the only thing that made me improve was time. After half a year or so I finally felt I was getting better from that, but even today I'm not 100% recovered from that, I'm still very fragile in my self-confidence in myself (note that in many other things I'm very self-confident, for example in intellectual subjects), and I continue to feel somewhat hypocondriac about my heart, and I'm always afraid of not getting control of this.
My experience with that makes me fear very much about my capacity to overcome this if it's only psychological. I've not recovered yet from that and I'm still afraid, in no way I'll be able to heal myself like that even if I know I can and many people have overcome this. My brain is like see to believe. And this makes me feel hopeless.

Note however that my sexual problems existed before this phase started (and it started out of f** nowhere), so although it surely isn't helping it isn't the cause.

R
I want to praise you for your bravery in talking about your problem here. It shows that you have confidence that all here will accept you without judgment. I'm glad you realize that you need professional help. I am much older than you, a lot less hormones, although I am horny to some degree 24/7. I have no sexual experience with men although I have been attracted to men all my life. The desire for sex with them has only increased, probably more since I started watching gay porn at least 4 years ago, and chatting online for the last few months. Also when one doesn't have something that one wants the desire can be great. Sort of like hanging by the fingernails from the edge of a cliff. I did have sexual experience with one woman to whom I was engaged. It was great, although we never went all the way because we were Catholic at the time. and we were incompatible in so many other ways it would not have worked out. Even then I feared my attraction to men would compromise the relationship. I can fantasize sex with a woman, love to suck pussy, etc., but I prefer men.

I don't know when ED became an issue for me, which I can't understand because I have been masturbating all along. Anyway it is years now and most likely caused by 49 years with Diabetes. Do you ever manage to get an erection. I had been using a battery operated penile pump, but have hardly used it since I get so much pleasure with aneros. Sometimes I even get enough of an erection without pump while doing aneros to quickly slip on a cock ring to hold it. With excitement it sometimes gets even better. I can hardly resist traditional masturbation once I get hard, but I can edge a long time before cumming. I do that even less since I learned Mangina, which doesn't need an erection, in fact can't be done with it. I find it supremely pleasurable with or without aneros, although with probably adds to it. Almost my whole body has become erogenous. Touching myself in many places during my session has always been a help, but some spots more than others, but lots of them, especially in the whole genital area, without touching the penis, or I will almost go to regular masturbation which pretty well ends the session. That is fine for self pleasuring, but you are wanting an erection to be able to penetrate a man.

Know that any doctor will not be surprised at what you have to tell him. Seeing genitals is just a part of his day's work. If you prefer a stranger go for it. There are ways to help with ED and pre-mature ejaculation, possibly more psychological with the latter. Habit of masturbation is not easy to get past, and I almost always ended my aneros session with it at first. Now almost never. Like others though, especially us older farts, getting to ejaculation can blessedly take a long time. I have been able to masturbate to ejaculation without a hard on, but haven't done it in a long time. I would think that a Urologist specialist might be more help in this than your or another family doctor, but you could start there, and he could refer you if he thinks necessary.

If your are taking medicine for depression, or even depression in itself, can certainly put a damper on having erections or even sexual desire. Viagra and the like might help, but it didn't help me, and the cost is prohibitive, especially if your insurance won't cover it all or in part.

Maybe this will help or not, but I sure feel your pain. I always say I suffer from ED. Thank god I have never had premature ejaculation, but it sure doesn't sound like much fun.
Peace
Paul

Thanks Paul.

Yes, I can get erections but I'm not sure my "common" erection is strong enough for sex, it doesn't seem so. I know my penis can get very erect, but generally for very very short periods of time (10 seconds max) if I don't keep stimulating it (and here the PE problem enters), then he goes back to semi-hard status. This is where I think I have some kind of ED. I think my penis to stay very hard (hard enough for intercourse) for a much longer time.
The PE then "guarantees" that when I get to max hardiness I'm already hitting the line, so that I have to stop. Then I lose this "max" erection, and the cycles repeats. And of course even when I'm very hard I won't take long at all to orgasm (seconds).

I have no problem with the doctor, in fact it's the solution I have most hopes for.

No, I'm not taking any drugs. Neither I did get viagra anytime too to see how it could work out.

Hi RSilva,

I agree with Kev's comments, especially the parts about seeking medical advice and/or sexual therapy. Since I have worked through similar issues (although not as severe as those you describe) I will add a few thoughts.

First, it would be easy to recommend that you relax and try to take "performance" pressure off yourself as much as possible. That's easier said than done, I know. On the other hand, you may need to push yourself socially to meet friends with whom emotional relationships could flourish. Then forget about the sex act. And when a relationship leads to the bedroom, try to forget about yourself and your performance -- whether you're hard enough, coming too soon, or meeting your partners expectations -- and focus all your attention on your partner. With any luck, an understanding partner can be satisfied in many ways that make the lack of a long-lasting "steel erection" less important. Personally, I would not complain if a guy bottomed for me, but would in turn do all within my power to meet his needs, and take as long as necessary to make him feel appreciated and sexually fulfilled. Of course no one else can hit the delete button for your self-image, but if he/she makes you feel good about yourself, you will in time relax to the point you can enjoy lovemaking without beating yourself up about your expectations for yourself.

If you don't want to discuss this with the family doctor and don't know a specialist, ask around and find a good GP to confide in, and ask him for a referral. Then continue to push yourself socially -- and try to avoid seeing yourself as "imperfect." We all have our weaknesses -- but this is something you will overcome! Your problem could be as simple as learning to avoid premature ejaculation, which could precipitate the erection issues as you try to avoid a quick ejaculation. That's something a professional, or understanding partner, could help you avoid.

R, I'm glad you posted here. There's so much more I could say, but have to run for now. My heart goes out to you. I know how important sexual function is to a guy's basic core, and if I can help in any way, I will.

To the original poster:

1. Anxiety to perform deffinitely can cause you erectile dysfunctions. I know, I've been there.

2. One thing that works like a champ for me is "China brush" - a strong desensitizing remedy.
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=821

2.1 beware of fakes ! The thing is so well known it's getting counterfeit knock-offs.

2.2 It is very very strong, although the bottle is tiny. The instructions are in Chinese, so I'll post some guidelines. Dip the brush (or a cotton bud) in it, about 1/4. Swipe several times in your most sensitive spots. In my case it took about 4 swipes along the frenulum, and 6 on the spot opposite of frenulum. Cover your penis in foreskin and wait for about 1 hour. You should feel some stinging, that's normal and nothing to worry. After 1 hour wash it out. The exact number of swipes and time to wait vary, so you may need to adjust it by trial and error. Now you should be able to easily manage 30+ minutes of HARD pounding or jerking. Best part is, no hypersensitivity after ejaculation ! You can keep going. Just avoid getting sore, use some lubricant and/or good condoms.

4. Try getting a blowjob, from a prostitute if there's no other way. Observe your reactions. If you stay hard for a long time, you'll know it's an "anxiety to perform" issue. When you're being sucked, it disappears because she's there only to please you.

5. Regular use of Aneros really boost your horniness, and that should help with staying hard.

6. Learn to lick pussy. I have only met one girl who didn't like it. Most love it and orgasm much easier than with penetration, as long as you're doing it right. If you go down on her as your oppening move, she'll be much more willing and eager to tolerate. If you can suck clit well, it should boost your confidence, always a good thing in sex.

Thanks Keoke and airbag,

Airbag, that looks very interesting and cheap, and I will buy something from that site so I'll get that too.
I won't be happy however to have to use that (or any pill, etc) everytime I want to have sex, I won't feel satisfied with that, what I want to see is that if it allows me to keep hard for long times and to see if in case of it working if it gets my unconscious confidence up. As I said psychologically it will be pretty damn hard to work out as I know myself so I'll need all help I can.
Just one question: should I wash it before or after the session?

Keoke, I feel like I can't break my own negativity. I need something to break it for me. In the case of the panic attacks it was time, just time (AND it isn't 100% solved yet). In this case it goes on for a quite while. I know this can be solved, etc etc, it's just I don't feel that way. What I know is different from what I feel, so telling me it will all be easy and happy and I need to stop worrying doesn't work, I know, I've been there in the panic attack phase.

I've been thinking a lot of this in the last days (I've being depressed in the last weeks) and I think this sexual issue is possibly the main thing preventing me to approach girls right now. I've had men because I know I can bottom so I can bypass my "need" to perform. But when a girl approaches me my inner self contracts in fear, afraid of what I think mainly is this sex issue. I think it's a self defense as if we have sex I won't perform and it will be horrifying for myself. I mean, surely if she likes me or if she's just a one night sex it will be nothing to worry about, but the problem is my sexual view of myself that will be even more shattered.
So no, picking a girl (which I never did anyway so won't happen soon) and try to make her help me will surely not work, I think it will be worse. I have to solve this first and only then I can tackle that other problem.

I think my next step will be trying that chinese thing and also trying to find an urologist to work this out. I'm not confortable doing it all alone from my family (or anyone) so I really look forward to tell my stepfather about this, of all persons he's the one I will worry less of telling, he's a man he'll know it so I'm expecting some "man brotherhood problems" kind of attitude, I feel he'll completely understand my problems and I don't 100% trust the rest of my family for this. I really feel very unconfortable of telling my mother, it's the worst scenario, it will be horrible. I trust way more my older sister, but still miles away from my stepfather. My grandfathers are also our neighbours but I would surely want to avoid them, they're more conservative.
I mean, my family will surely support me, but I will be very afraid of my own self-image of that, I'll always keep wondering they'll see me with different goggles, so it's kinda more to due with my own confidence than with their acceptance.

Just another "idea". Another thing I don't know how will I do is: when I'll be "in treatment" where do I will "test" it? Will masturbation be enough to see it? I think I should really test it "in real life".

This is not a response to your latest post, R, but that Airbag is correct that there are various desensitizing products that are used for PE. I forgot about that. Here are some? ww.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_7?url=search-alias%3Dhpc&field-keywords=desensitizing+lubricant+for+men&sprefix=desensi%2Chpc%2C471 or just go to www.amazon.com and do search,as soon as you type in desensitizing it will come up with a menu, and you can choose desensitizing creams, and the above comes up.

I can't remember where I got some years ago a very simple aparatus with a cone to slip a cock ring onto a plastic ring from which the cock ring can be slipped onto the erect penis easily to hold the erection. I will search and let you know if I find it.

The thing with desensitizing remedies is that they can serve as a stepping stone. They won't grant you an erection, but with the china brush in particular I can forget about coming too early. That alone makes me more comfortable. You can stop worrying and focus on pleasuring her. And believe me, a happy girl is the best way to make a (heterosexual) man happy. Later, you can stop using it, because confidence and experience are good against PE.

Just a short comment on
"Have you had any improvement on this field with Aneros? I only have it for 3 months now, so I didn't notice any improvement (yet). Anyway in my case it would need a radical improvement... I've got dry Os (no super O yet) and in some sessions I get ejaculation without any penis stimulation, so maybe it's my premature ejaculation showing."
(I don't know how to do quotes)
I have been using an Aneros for 6 months and have not had even the possibility of a dry 'o' So you are doing good with than. An ejaculation with or without an erection would be a gift. You are having both. So something is working for you. I know you have a lot of issues and some professional advice may help to sort them out. There may be a key issue that once resolved can ease the rest. This should release you anxiety/stress which of course is the great erection killer. Other posts you are getting are very good.

Thanks for all the help you're giving to me.

Yesterday there were good developments that caught me completely unexpected.

I bought a fleshlight-ish thing to test my penetrations, I had a sleeve before that I had a lot of trouble with. I prefer my new model as it is in a "package" it is tight and firm unlike the previous one which was loose.

So I was looking forward to it, but was also very fearful and somewhat nervous on how bad it would be, I was expecting only to barely penetrate it.

So I put the lube, got to a good erection (was very careful with this, and mentally I didn't do it completely so I had to use some stimulation) and the penetration was very smooth, surprise. I started to put it to use and I was completely surprised on how good that went. I was feeling the right amount of pleasure, good enough to enjoy it and continue with the hardon and movement but still not enough to make me reach orgasm. So I did continue with it, and being very happy with it.

Of course I was not full thrusting, and slided it completely out for some seconds generally after 5-10 seconds of thrusting, or stayed with it inside for a while. I felt confortable with it all. I tried some hard thrusting for some time and it was not explosive as I thought, so it was confortable too. Naturally during the entire session I was very careful on what I was feeling. It was feeling just right and I was happy with it.

I think I may have had this session 15-20 minutes long, with varying intensity and speed, and generally resting (sliding it out or just letting it stay in) for a few seconds each 10-15 seconds of thrusting. All the time I was hard enough to keep it going and my foreskin movement felt very natural, I liked that too.
Actually I lost the erection 3 times but I am not worried with it as I was always with my penis out and was distracted with other things, in one of the times it was easier to make it reach the erection by trying to do the penetration half erect.
I also confortably felt that leg movement reflex I have (I think you should have it too) as the glans is exposed to a lot of contact, like a sensivity thing.

I got to orgasm because I wanted it, I accelerated the movement and strength. And in the orgasm I got super sensitive in my glans and had to stop the thrusting. It was over the top, I knew I had it from before but generally I don't have my glans so much exposed to such contact to feel it.

My next step is to try it with a condom, which for me always leaves me too excited down there. Maybe it's the pressure and/or the fact that my foreskin is being prevented to move.

So out of nowhere I had this very good performance. I hope I can make my inner self believe this will be the norm and not an exception. Also it will be different with another person, still I was feeling even alone I was not being able to do it, if I can do it alone I think I'll be way more confident to try it with another person even if the first times it fails - I would have the proof my inner self needs to show that it can work.
BTW I got today the chinese desensitiver and Eupho, but I'll keep the chinese stuff by side for now and continue with further testing.

Another thing that may have helped is that the day before I had a hfwo from Aneros, so I ejaculated the day before. This may be important as I have a lot of wet dreams (many times it's my fault as I did a bit of ejaculationless masturbation session before sleep/in the morning) and generally have a lot of sperm (even my second ejaculation has a good amount of sperm from what I can see from other people videos), so may be I need to be much more active in my masturbatory actions and do it every day or so, maybe my body needs that rhytm to be "sexually fit".

A question: do you feel your glans/foreskin gets less sensitive (may be the pure sensitivity thing or the pleasure) after forcing it to be exposed to regular contact? If so more training will improve my performance too, by taking out some extra "bad" pleasure.

I'll keep you updated with this, and with eupho too 🙂
Thanks

Congratulations, R. That's great news. It seems to me if u can do it once u can keep it up (little pun there.) After all practice makes perfect. I can't tell u anything about foreskin except that i wish mine wasn't gone. My glans is super sensitive tho, especially when i do Mangina. Do keep us posted. We r always glad to hear of others' aneros experience, and certainly wish u well on this wonderful journey.
Paul