New Year personal coaching

Perhaps it is more complicated than age, because old age can mean stuck in one’s ways, but also it can mean a lifetime of prior experience that can be beneficial to prostate play. A big problem is surely loss of libido, and the way society is structured leads to this loss of libido. That is, many people get married rather young for reasons that don’t include sex, and monogamous marriage frequently leads to repetitive PIV sex, if not total bed death (for myriad reasons).  Thus people prioritize children and careers over developing their sexuality. For younger people, perhaps they naturally have a higher libido, and also they haven’t had a decades-long monotonous streak in their sexuality.

Or maybe all this is nothing compared to much more subtle factors, such how we are raised, our personality, and how our bodies are wired (skin sensitivity, for example).

I am pretty certain that it helps a lot to be vulnerable, to not have mental blocks (everything from finances to family to fears of judgement), and to have spent time learning to listen to one’s body through meditation.

but without hard data there is no way of knowing what works. How can we get hard data though, if our penis remains flaccid throughout our sessions?!?

@zentai i too am relieved to have separated erection from orgasm, and I am happy to know that one day, even if I get my prostate removed or my penis lopped of in a terrible accident, I can still have a wonderfully fulfilling sexuality.  I understand now, when I read about handicapped people saying they have a rich sexuality, often more interesting than most able bodied folk.

@faith-manages

I think most younger (hetero) men are not aware of their prostate or it's possibilities and a vast majority don't even want to hear about it because it's still taboo. I don't know if being gay or bi automatically makes things more prostate-centric for a guy, that's another question entirely, but I suspect it depends on individuals. 

The brain is still developing in your mid 20s and while I think the Super-O circuitry is in place *a lot* earlier than that, maybe this also has an influence on how likely you are to be able to "tap" into it. Again this could vary for each individual. 

@divine_o "Flaccid dicks, hard data" sounds like the motto of some secretive research entity. I like it!

While I keep my penis away from farm machinery as much as possible and hope it never flies off in some macabre accident, for me it was also about a fear of finding my ideal partner later in life and not being able to perform as good. I had a short relationship with a girl a while ago where we concluded we would have been perfect for each others... if we had met 10 years earlier. Both our libidos were fine but it really got me thinking about this kind of stuff and the implications. 

As you say PIV sex is the golden standard from which we are all judged, knowing that there are other possibilities that are as good or better really removes some stress from the equation and I don't worry about what my sex life will be in 30 years, partnered or not. 

@zentai yes please do keep your junk away from weed whackers (though feel free to whack off on weed, I guess).

I dont think that PIV is the gold standard by which we are all judged. On the contrary, only some women consider that to be the most important aspect of sex. Most women are predominantly clitoral, and amongst those who are vaginal, many get off from stimulation of the first couple inches of the entry of the vagina (ie the g spot). This means that we’ll placed fingers can be just as exciting if not more so than penile penetration. Yes, there are some women who crave deep penetration, or who are so-called size queens, which means they crave being filled as much as possible, and being stretched. But these women are not as common as pornography and the media would like us to think.  And even if a man can’t get erect, or if he has a micropenis, there are many other solutions that work just fine (dildos, fingers, sheaths). Lesbians aren’t dying of sexual boredom, yet they don’t have their own penises to work with.

In the end what people are often judged by is their creativity in bed. What happens in a lot of monogamous long-term relationships—and what I think might lead to some older men having restrained sexualities—is that creativity disappears and gives way to an almost obligatory PIV based sexuality, with preliminaries of oral sex. This is fine for some people, but other people get bored by it. Some decide that they don’t like sex that much, not knowing that there are more interesting forms of sex to be had. Others crave diversity. Of this latter group, some find diversity by seeing other partners and repeating the same genital-based model, but with new smells, sights and sounds. Others still find diversity in creativity. And what is creativity in the bedroom? Creativity is exploring every square inch of the body, spending hours indulging in non-PIV sex, caressing, licking, cuddling, anal play, prostate play, fingering, and for some, role-playing and even BDSM... 

The first night I spent with my partner, she fingered my ass, I licked and fingered her, I cross dressed for her and she put a dildo inside me, and not once was there PIV penetration. None of this pushed her away. On the contrary, she was excited by the plethora of other activities possible in the bedroom, activities she had never taken part in. Since then, we have had plenty of PIV sex, but that is only one of many dishes, and is by no means the main course.  I have certainly met a few women who didn’t care for my take on sexual intimacy, and who just wanted PIV, and those relationships never lasted long because that is not what I wanted.  But most women I have met prefer creativity over routine. 

Anyways...

What I meant by saying I could have a fulfilling sexuality even if my penis didn’t work anymore, was that I can still give and receive plenty of orgasmic pleasure.  Just as lesbians can have wild sexualities, so can men who don’t use their penis, by choice or because of physiological problems. 

Voilà, my morning rant. Wait, it’s already the early afternoon! 

@divine_o

Hey it's morning for me ! You're right of course that PIV may not be the way that women judge men, but it's the way men often judge themselves and other men, and society is more than happy to go along and profit. "Big dick energy", talk of lasting all night, young men's obsession about what's an average size dick and if they are above or below that magical line... sure I'm talking in generalities, but there is something deeply ingrained (that right here is a great Quebecois pun, graine=dick in slang) in society where not being able to get it up or keep it up makes you less of a man.

It used to make sense to younger me, hey you need a hard dick to have sex, with a soft dick you can't. As a man who almost never gets morning wood I often wondered about erection quality in general and when things would start to really slow down. I think I may have below average arousal, in sex and in life, so always had that in the back of my mind that my sex life could have an early expiration date and that I should hurry before I just stopped caring.

Early Viagra commercials showing that super happy singing dude made a strong point for erection=success and there was always some subtext that made me uneasy. I always imagined him sneeking up to his wife with that grin and his huge boner and going "Haha, you thought I couldn't do it anymore? Now let's fuck!" And she goes: "Wow I've never seen you this big, you're such a man ! You're rich and intelligent and funny ! Sploosh !" Hey I have a vivid imagination, that's good, right? Not far from what the publicity guys *wished* everyone would think, I bet. Their life is complete and they'll live happily ever after because of... erections. They fought all the time and she thought about cheating with the pool boy but now, everything changed ! 

Ask a bunch of men to describe what sex is and I bet close to 100% of them will have "penis&vagina" in their answer, it's the way we mammals do the deed. And for most, if you ask about "making love" instead, they'll have a similar answer but with more kissing involved and some oral sex, maybe. I hang with mostly blue-collar types and it seems to be the general consensus in my small sample group. 

So I should have written "a lot of men judge their sexual worth primarily in term of what they can do with their dicks" and if they don't explore new avenues, loss of erection quality will mean loss of sex quality. Now as I shift my definition to sex being about receiving and giving orgasms in a way both partners like, it's clear that PIV is just a small slice of the pie. 

Sorry to have implied you thought otherwise, most of us here know that you have a very open and diverse sexuality and I, for one, look up to you and  wish those experiences were more easily available to me. Hey one day I'll get there. 

Aw shucks thats sweet. I think everyone here has a more open sexuality than the rest, by the nature of their presence here. I just wanted to defend a possible misinterpretation of my words, and I got overly involved in my response, as usual... and you are right in your analysis, that that is how many hetero men judge their sexual prowess. The hardness of their dick, the loudness of her screams, and the amount of partners. 

The question of what sex is is very interesting (and the most common answer is frustrating for lesbians, who hear the question “you’ve never had sex with a man... so you’re a virgin??” Quite frequently). It is clear to me now that sex can be anything and everything. It is a mindset, complicity, and shared pleasure.  If a couple can have an orgasm kissing, that’s probably more close to what sex is than mechanical and obligatory loveless relationship PIV.

Also what is awesome about prostate toys is that for the first time in my life, I can feel as sexy alone as I do with a partner. I finally understand women who abstain from couple sex and who swear by their hitachis, and I totally understand your choices (which you’ve publicly talked about... tell me if I overstep).  An orgasmic time alone with an aneros toy is as satisfying as a night with a partner. It is different, but it is as voluptuous and enthralling. It can even be more pleasureful, because you get your own undivided attention.

anyways, thanks for that quebecois. Strange though, graine sounds more like clit... jen ai pris, de la graine.

There's something about domesticity over a long period of time that kills sex between partners. It must be the same for both straight and gay couples. Esther Perel talks about this in her first book 'Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.' Everything can become old, especially PIV. The key is how to keep the urgency and newness going, even if you've been together 5, 10 or 20 years.

@divine_o Yeah I'm getting more "Anerosexual" with time and while that may not be 100% what I would have wanted, and some including me would find it a little sad, I found what works for me and I try not to dwell too much on it. No need to keep banging on closed doors until I drop if I have an alternative, even if it doesn't check all the boxes. It's a fascinating field of study if you want to approach it this way ! 

Hehe as you know "graine" means "seed" but "seed" doesn't mean sperm in French (we'd use "semence" but it's pretty archaic). So I guess it's just "planting you seed" and "avoir une grosse graine" means exactly what you think it means. Extremely vulgar in any context and most will use "queue" (tail) instead which is still very far from polite conversation. The more you know! 

And again, I spoke in generalities, my views are very matter-of-fact and cause and effect sometimes, like we're a bunch of observers casually looking at some experiment that is outside of us, and I tend to forget the emotional attachment and convictions each of us can have about these personal subjects...

Edit : I wrote "Anerosexual" but it's more or less true, as I tend to go mostly Aless now, and even that term doesn't work out of context as it still makes it prostate-centric. And it's far from an attraction to a device. Anyway I don't say I went somewhere car-less, I say I went on foot...

"Unasisted sexuality" might be what I'm looking for, or "self-contained" maybe. At this point I don't know how a partner would fit in with what I'm doing unless I find some advanced tantric practitioner and even that is a stretch when you factor in attraction, compatibility and proximity. If people think that's just a fancy way to say I prefer to masturbate my mind rather than find a partner, I can't really argue with that except to say I'd prefer to masturbate my mind *with* a partner if that kind of thing was possible, but now we are thinking neural links and that's still science fiction...

Ok bumping this one for March, I already started working with @faith-manages and we'll see how things go in the following days. 

February was strangely busy for me and I guess it was the same for both @MJ05 and @Lonewolf8, it was hard for me to always answer in a timely way and we didn't manage to go as deep as I wished, personally I still learned a lot but I feel I could have done more to help. As long as volume is not too high, I invite you to keep messaging me with questions and I'll answer when I can. Also don't hesitate to post more often on the Forum, both of you had very interesting things to say and good insight. Thanks a lot for participating in this, this is helping me figure out what is universal and what is individual and I still believe that with time, we can understand why this is so hard for some people and what alternative strategies will work. 

So that's it for now, I'll try to give more updates as things go along, I'm pretty busy trying new things in my own sessions and hope that something useful will come from it. 

@zentai I love question #10!

@eagerbeaver

Hehe, thanks ! What a blast from the past... 

@zentai The coaching was a very generous offer on your part! And especially helpful since isolating from other humans has become a noble, and safe, activity. 

@zentai I see that it takes a lot for you to consider a session “bad”!

@eagerbeaver a bad session would be being attacked by bears, or having your anus fall off irreparably. 

@divine_o That would definitely be bad. The irreparable aspect, that is.

Posted by: @divine_o

@eagerbeaver a bad session would be being attacked by bears, or having your anus fall off irreparably. 

Bwahahahaha ! Stupid bears, always getting in the way of our Super-Os... 

@eagerbeaver

Seriously, if a session is at least as fun as jerking off, then even without a Super-O, I don't "miss" anything...  Sometimes it's about putting things in perspective, and keeping a positive outlook. I try to do my best each session , and if it does not end in a Super-O, hey what more could I do ? There's always next time, as long as progress is generally being made, I'm fine with this. 

@zentai I have yet to jerk off this year. I'm hoping for my first orgasm of 2022 to be from anal play. I also wear a chastity cage during my sessions because I love how it feels, and to prevent any "incidental" stroking that would lead to ejaculation.

@zentai I'm hoping for any kind of O!

Posted by: @eagerbeaver

@zentai I have yet to jerk off this year. I'm hoping for my first orgasm of 2022 to be from anal play. I also wear a chastity cage during my sessions because I love how it feels, and to prevent any "incidental" stroking that would lead to ejaculation.

With discipline, it's almost inevitable that you'll orgasm form anal at some point after several days of abstinence, as long as you don't touch your dick. And with practice it's really not difficult at all, to me it's mostly about keeping at it when the intensity becomes a little bit uncomfortable (with a dildo or curved wand). As always, practice makes perfect.  

@zentai Thank you for your supportive words! I'm definitely willing to practice!

@zentai I plan on practicing a lot this weekend! Thanks again for all your advice and supportive words of encouragement.

@eagerbeaver

My pleasure !

@zentai And mine!

I'm glad this thread was bumped.  I definitely learned some things and especially new ways of thinking/going about things.  I don't think I got the results that either Zentai or I was hoping for but it was worthwhile.  I continue to make slow and steady progress. 

Posted by: @faith-manages

I'm glad this thread was bumped.  I definitely learned some things and especially new ways of thinking/going about things.  I don't think I got the results that either Zentai or I was hoping for but it was worthwhile.  I continue to make slow and steady progress. 

I think I lacked perspective when I started this project. I was so convinced that I had everything figured out, that clearly, if I could teach someone to do the same things I was doing, then it would work as good for them as it does for me. 

The main issue is that everyone approaches this in a different way, from a different vantage point. Even the brand new user has some preconceptions and ideas right from day 1, the act of buying your first Aneros already puts you on the path of expectations. With each session, the understanding of what is happening and of how the pieces fit together evolves and with time, turns into an intricate collection of experiences and beliefs that is almost impossible to unravel. A man can be very far in his understanding of a specific technique, yet still at the starting line when it comes to other essential elements. 

What I'm trying to say, as that teaching almost anything else, you can ask the student to demonstrate what they already know, and from this, you know where to start. With Super-Os, you either can already have them,  or you're *somewhere* on the path to being able to. People can be 95% of the way there and still be stuck on the edge for a long time. I believe most people are closer than they think, but it's very hard to zero in on particular issues. Maybe we lack the language to do so, since a part of this is so abstract ? 

Plus there is the question of everything else outside of sessions and technique : stress, privacy, general health and fitness, flexibility, alimentation, various worries and interrogations, ability to relax, opportunity to have sessions etc. Just getting a good idea of where the "student" is and where he should be heading is a challenge, and even then, you can only point in a general direction and hope you're not setting him back some way...   

@zentai

Maybe one day you’ll find the silver bullet. As you say,there are so many variables,it’s very difficult. Expectations will always be present,but unless a guy learn to manage them and any other issues,he won’t level Up.

@helghast

You're right, it might be more important to learn how to navigate obstacles and explore different approaches, than it is to learn specific methods or routines.

In several ways, this is a "chose your own adventure" deal, and I feel that if you you approach this thinking this is going to be a huge personal development journey, that's how it's going to be, and maybe it's going to be harder and take more time as you develop your own personal Super-O philosophy, VS. doing it as basically enhanced masturbation in a more mechanical way. The expectations are very different here and the pressure (or the stakes, maybe) is also different. Or think about the man 100% focused on prostate health and who is not really chasing the pleasure "side-effects". 

I'm sure different paths will cross as some point, but even that basic decision of what Aneros practices means to you and how this evolves with time, just that bit will make step-by-step instructions difficult to follow... 

@zentai

Posted by: @zentai

You're right, it might be more important to learn how to navigate obstacles and explore different approaches, than it is to learn specific methods or routines.

Well,there’s no use in knowing what to do if the mental game is letting you down.

Posted by: @zentai

In several ways, this is a "chose your own adventure" deal, and I feel that if you you approach this thinking this is going to be a huge personal development journey, that's how it's going to be, and maybe it's going to be harder and take more time as you develop your own personal Super-O philosophy, VS. doing it as basically enhanced masturbation in a more mechanical way. The expectations are very different here and the pressure (or the stakes, maybe) is also different. Or think about the man 100% focused on prostate health and who is not really chasing the pleasure "side-effects". 

That’s just it. The journey IS about personal development. Developing the skills to take your pleasure and orgasms to new heights,with an enhanced control. I personally don’t see the link between social conditioning and the journey. For most guys,it’s a one man show of investigation,building and linking together. A personal voyage if you like. Questions about health,sexuality and what others would think is something each guy must get right with in his own head.

With prostate health,we still get posts from people who either use aneros for medical reasons or that they just claim that because they aren’t ready to admit,even here that they engage in a type of play that involves their hetero-ass. Guys purely on the medical side still come here saying they’ve felt pleasure and how do they go on to the orgasmic part.

Posted by: @zentai

I'm sure different paths will cross as some point, but even that basic decision of what Aneros practices means to you and how this evolves with time, just that bit will make step-by-step instructions difficult to follow... 

They do,but all people can do is post things about their journey and hope that it gives a little insight for someone else to move up a level. Like Turnrow and a couple of others said they moved on some when they started to apply the anchored tension I spoke about. Then on the flip side I did write how I have a HFWO yet helical tried it and it didn’t work for him. I don’t know why,maybe he did it wrong,maybe physically he can’t,maybe something in his head stops him,there’s no real easy way to tell. But Smaster tried it too,but has a problem with ejaculation in genera,l so that’s an obstacle to progress he must try to overcome. 

Posted by: @helghast

They do,but all people can do is post things about their journey and hope that it gives a little insight for someone else to move up a level. Like Turnrow and a couple of others said they moved on some when they started to apply the anchored tension I spoke about. Then on the flip side I did write how I have a HFWO yet helical tried it and it didn’t work for him. I don’t know why,maybe he did it wrong,maybe physically he can’t,maybe something in his head stops him,there’s no real easy way to tell. But Smaster tried it too,but has a problem with ejaculation in genera,l so that’s an obstacle to progress he must try to overcome. 

It's actually very intriguing, do we all reach Super-Os in slightly different ways, or it's the same mechanism for everyone but we just perceive it differently ?