Need "Tell the Wife?" advice...

slipperybugger,

I think your strategy for getting your wife involved is a good one. Being that your wife is a physician, discussion of the body is probably a pretty common topic in your home. As such you have an excellent opportunity to get her engaged in a conversation about the erotic stimulation of the prostate. You could start the conversation by saying “Honey, I was reading about the reported health benefits of prostate massage on a website called HIGH ISLAND HEALTH, it also mentions the possibility for intense orgasms, could you share your knowledge of the prostate with me so we could explore this possibility?” This will immediately engage her thinking on a number of levels which will allow further discussion to expand. At this point you are not asking her to experience a “one way street” adventure. I think, judging by her remark about your newly discovered erogenous zone, she will be happy to enter into this discussion with you. If she is receptive to the H.I.H. site then later you could direct her to this (Aneros Forum) site.

I'm in a similar situation. My partner isn't all that crazy about anal play ... hers or mine. We have started exploring some new things though, and it's been very interesting and pleasurable for both of us.

I have brought up my Aneros use in the past, and I've even used my Helix with her once though the results weren't as good as I thought they'd be. I blame my expectations of being blown away and a general lack of experience with using one during intercourse. This was also very early in my journey of self-exploration with an Aneros. She's comfortable with the idea as long as she's not on the receiving end. 🙂

Your wife, being a physician, should realize the benefits of a healthy prostate. If you are both able to discuss this openly with each other, you could emphasize the health aspect and maybe appeal to her that way. Or maybe the hands-free aspect might interest her. It seems to me, based on what you've posted, that she wouldn't have as much of a problem with it as you seem to think since she was willing to use 'Wanda' on you.

I don't want to read too much into this though. She still didn't try any penetration and without that, this won't go in the direction you'd like.

I can appreciate how difficult it is (and was, for me) to talk about things like this. Since opening up about it though, my partner and I have learned a few things about each other that have led to some very enjoyable time spent together.

As I was writing this, it seems that Rumel beat me to the punch. 🙂

Thanks, Justn_Otherguy.

Your comment about the importance of penetration was insightful. I'm thinking it would be more acceptable if, during the heat of the moment, I told my wife I was ready to "take the plunge". She would be more receptive to pleasing me right then and there rather than if we discussed it well in advance. That would give her more chance to prepare a rebuttal to my request.

The other situation I forgot to mention in my original post is her insecurity. Several patients and acquaintances who are gay have partners that left their wives after several years of marriage when they've finally discovered their true orientation. She is scared that I may do the same once the kids have left the nest. I reassured her that I am heterosexual through and through. But, if she acquaints the enjoyment of anal stimuation with being gay, then I am doomed. I'm gonna need more information on how heterosexual men enjoy playing in the backyard. I think the only reason it's not more prevalent in the hetersexual population is because they simply haven't tried it...

I agree with Rumel.
Since your wife is a physician, it may be a good idea to approach the discussion from a prostate health point of view.
That way, it's a medical device that doesn't look much like a penis, and it is primarily there for medical reasons. The pelasure is just a side-effect. Nothing gay there.

Well, if you or your wife have even read Cosmo while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, you'll note that anal play is nothing too taboo, at least the readers of that magazine (who tend to be younger). In any case, every month has tons of articles about sexploration (my term) and several times a year they feature polls indicating somewhere like 50-60% of guys want/enjoy backdoor stimulation. When I was a teen, I'd read Penthouse Forum and remember all the tales in there about some girl slipping the guy a backdoor finger that blew his mind. My wife...she absolutely LOVES giving me multiple orgasms with the Aneros inserted and her sucking my nipples and balls and whatever else she wants. It turns her on. She'd do it for hours if I'd let her. Thank God for adventuresome wives! And, she enjoys me slipping her a finger or two or using the Paridise on her. We've been married 25 years and have been through it all together so as long as we're both nice and clean (a squirt or two of warm water), there's nothing really icky about the anus or anal play. Now, the Aneros was not the first time my wife engaged in anal play with me. Many, many years ago, while we were making out, my wife inserted a finger, unannounced. I came within a minute. Obviously, she could tell I liked it and it's been a part of our lovemaking ever since. Being a physician, I would think your wife would understand that the nerves that run through the pelvic region also run through the anus and that by engaging all areas, you enhance the potential orgasm. If you need some scientific literature to help, buy the book, The Science of Orgasm, which makes these very points. It's a very academic book...not too arousing but I found it interesting nonetheless. A great book on general sexuality for couples is "Getting IT On" available on Amazon and at Barnes and Noble. It has a section on anal play but nothing on Aneros as far as I recall. I guess it al depends on your relationship with your wife...how open you two really are with one another. My wife and me, we share everything. Sex is just a part of that sharing. She was even mentioning the other night to me if I thought I should tell my sons about the Aneros when they got a little older and got married. I'd be very open with them if they asked me, was my conclusion, although I'd probably not bring it up to them unsolicited. In any case, if you dig around on the internet and other popular magazines, you'll find plenty of support that this kind of thing can be a great part of a couple's sexual experience. Be open, be honest, approach it gently and assure her there's no one for you but her and it will all work out.

slipperbugger-

my advise: stop catering to your wife's prejudices. she is an adult, and a physician. she should grow up and get over the narrow thinking. i don't agree with all your strategizing. simply tell her: i am gettting the aneros because i think it will help me to have wonderful orgasms. tell her you will practice on your own with it, and would also love to share it with her. hopefully, she'll be receptive to using it while you two have sex. it might turn out that through solo use you will be able to fully enjoy sex with her even without the aneros.

about her concern that using an anal stimulator might reveal you as gay: give me a break! it is your responsibility and hers to get past that juvenile idea.

about the magic wand on the anus: YES!!!! it is absolutely wonderful feeling. it is fantastic that she gave you that treat. bravo!

darwin

darwin
You're right in that strategizing smacks of deceptive tactics, but just telling her what I'm going to do?...well, where's the sense of conquest in THAT? More likely, she'd get pissed or grossed out , I'd feel guilty and we'd both be uncomfortable. I'm not a sex therapist, but considering my wife's upbringing, I think we're making good strides. It's taken her a long time to get over the old "sex is dirty" mantra planted in her head by her relatives and to enjoy the sensations of me pleasuring her. But there are still some of those old recordings playing in the background and I need to ferret them out and get the channel changed to something more contemporary. Just this evening, she thanked me for not being grossed out while she used the vibrator to climax (of course, I don't just sit there like a dork...I keep the other erogenous zones occupied). Your expression about narrow-mindedness was perfect for the occasion and I explained that it would be a poor reflection on me if I were grossed out by seeing my wife receiving pleasure. (We just chopped down another barrier with that one.)

You are so right...a vibrator on the anus is wonderful. We'll continue to explore that avenue and see where it leads. I need to respect her opinions but gently lead her in my direction. I want her to follow me into new territory, not turn a cold shoulder. Gentle persuasion should do the trick.

Thanks, darwin, for your response. I always appreciate your unique perspective.

Interesting thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with you getting an Aneros for YOU. In my mind, it's mostly a solo toy, although obviously many have found a way to incorporate it into sex with their wives. Good for them. But don't feel bad about just getting one for your own edification. The benefits may very well carry over into your regular sex life, even if the Aneros stays in the drawer.

J4

You and I are in about the same position from a relationship standpoint so maybe my experience will help you.

Ok, here’s what I did – after weeks of reading on the forum, I decided that this product just might be the real deal. I ordered it online without telling my wife. We have been married almost 20 years and have a great relationship. We all have our story, for lots more details visit my blog. The Aneros arrived, a helix, and I had one or two solo sessions. After just these few sessions I saw that I would really like this product - now I was willing to take the next step.

As you know, when your wife is a working professional, she wears many hats during the course of the day. In addition to that, you also know your wife’s “cycle”. My wife is most “receptive” during one particular week of her cycle. I waited for the weekend, got out a bottle of wine and started the conversation. From what you describe about your New Years escapades, you seem to have a reasonable expectation for success. My wife, perhaps like yours, doesn’t have a lot of time to waste on an endless succession of trying new things that you saw on the internet, or read about or watched on TV.

So here’s the plan: Buy the Aneros. Try it a couple of times – make sure you like it. Get a bottle of wine and have a nice dinner on the weekend. Tell her what you did and make it an adventure. You’ve already laid the groundwork. Most caring partners will be very open to you for taking the initiative on your own sexual well being. We are not talking about drugs, surgery or engaging in risky behavior here. Go the distance.

Worked for me.

Good luck!

J4

After 46 years of marriage it is amazing how little I have learned about women and my wife in particular. However, I will share a bit with you for whatever it is worth. I have learned that beeing honest with my wife works best. When I told her what I wanted to do with the Helix model, she was not shocked, judgmental, or negative in any way. That shocked me! We discussed what this "thing" was, what I was going to do with it, and why. My wife, unlike yours, is not an experimenter at all. She has allowed me to use the Aneros when I want and the way I want, but her bent is not to try new things in any area of life. On the other hand, she is devoted to me, wants me to be happy, and wants our sex life to be good for us both.

The possible lessons: talk to her openly, honestly, and reveal what you want to do and why. Refer back to the incident that sent you on this journey when she played with you. Stick to statements that are first person (I like, I need, I feel, I believe, I hope) as opposed to second person ones (you should, you could, you must, will you).

Good luck. I envy you for your problem because your wife is much more open to new adventures than mine. Still, I love her dearly and know, in my heart, that given my deep seated perversions and assorted quirks, I am lucky to be getting any sex at all.

YOU FUCKING, GOD-DAMNED, SON-OF-A-BITCHING, BUNCH OF LITTLE............GENIUSES! (sorry, darwin, I forgot you're an atheist...my bad?)

It worked! I approached my wife this morning and explained that there were three issues that were casually mentioned over the weekend that needed additional discussion. (She blanched and gulped.) I felt the best way to discuss them was in the order they occurred so...

1. What she did with the vibrator on my perineuam and anus totally caught me by surprise and was beyond pleasureable..it was mind-blowing. So I thanked her for the treat (ibid. darwin) and said I was secretly hoping she would penetrate me with it. But I knew that she would be uncomfortable with that and there was the old homosexually myth that if I enjoyed anal stimulation, it indicated my sexual orientation. I told her I did some internet searching and found that 50-60% of heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation with their partners (ibid. newguy8762) and that, since the anus has more nerve endings per square inch than anywhere else in the body, it's no wonder men enjoy it.

2. I can unabashedly declare that I am heterosexual. I am not interested in sexual experiences with other men and that, by offering me her body to explore and pleasure, she affirms my heterosexual orientation and my masculinity. If I were homosexual, I wouldn't derive such tremendous pleasure from activities such as cunnilingus; and the thought of another man's penis....well, we won't even go there...

3. I explained that she shouldn't be embarrassed from using a vibrator in front of me to climax. In fact, nothing would thrill me more than walking into the bedroom and finding her on the bed, stark naked, going at it with 'Wanda'. That would assure me that she truly enjoys physical pleasure, that I am not forcing her into it, and that she is willing to explore new ways of being pleasured. Otherwise, our love life is on track for becoming mundane, predictable and uninspiring. Like paint-by-number pictures -- is it really art? I acknowledged her deep-seated inhibitions, and thanked for the progress we've made together in our love making. But I had to practically force her into cunnilingus, get her past the "I don't like orgasm because I am no longer in control" mentality, and it was I that introduced doggy-style and other positions. I said there is nothing unnatural about exploring our bodies and finding where we derive pleasure. It's all there within our skin waiting to be discovered. I could use my fingers in place of the vibrator, but it does a better job so...why not? As long as we're not engaging in dangerous behaviour, it's acceptable to me. I pointed out that we are getting older and eventually some physical illness is going to intervene and limit or prevent our enjoying each other. My only regret at that point would be from being too inhibited to discover all the potential pleasure our bodies can give to ourselves and each other. I, for one. will be the first to volunteer for the new exploratory mission, and admit that I would like to derive more pleasure from anal stimulation.

....and get this.....SHE BOUGHT IT!

Ooooo...2009 is shaping up to be a really "new" year!

How can I thank you all enough for the insight, support and courage you've given me? You are all truly awesome!! Blessings be to you during the coming year!

slipperybugger

congrats to you slipperybugger for first of all having the balls to go forward with your plan and having such a well thoughtout process. You didn't mention the aneros in your post? Is that for part II?
Maybe I sound like a coward, but I'm not sure I want my wife to be involved with my aneros sessions.
I am interested in hearing how you plan to work that into it

Slipperbugger,

Congratulations on your breakthrough! As I'm coming into this after the fact, I'll say now what I would have said earlier. Namely, that you had many more openings with your wife (no pun intended) than perhaps you were ready to see earlier on. That said, I'm so delighted with how this has worked out for you!

The topic of "telling the wife" and the difficulty involved in doing so, is something that comes up here quite frequently. Frankly, it's a pity that it has to be this way. For many years now, my raison d'etre as it were, has been about doing serious damage to the stigma that forces so many users to feel like they need to be in the closet about their penchant for anal and prostate stimulation. Whether it's here in the forum, at the trade shows and expos with the manufacturer or on the radio here in L.A. several weeks back. One popular religion teaches that listening is the beginning of understanding , yet if no one is talking about this, how can the understanding that brings about change occur?

It's noteworthy that when you put out the call to our membership to chime in on this, you got a variety of different opinions on how best to handle this. Very often this has to do with the user's own experience in tackling this question or in some cases it's how they would handle it if the opportunity presented itself.

I don't believe that there is but one solution to this. I strongly feel that each instance has to be judged on a case by case basis. Long ago I took speech and communication back in college where the concept of "knowing your audience" was taught. The idea was that the message remained the same, but that the method of presentation radically effects how it's received by the listener. So while a direct in your face approach may be successful with some, it may alienate others. Conversely, an approach that is too subtle can have the effect of seeming uncommitted, which can lead to an easy dismissal from ones partner. Regardless of the strategy that one chooses, some kind of leap must taken. Whether direct or more finessed it is absolutely essential to communicate the importance of your feelings to your partner. Put another way, if you wish to be heard....you have to speak up!

My hope has always been that at some point in the not to distant future this topic will be no more difficult to broach than ones selection for dinner!

Enjoy and be well!

BF Mayfield

Thank you, Mister Mayfield.

This whole "tell the wife" thing is actually for my own selfish gain. I believe that part of my lack of a breakthrough with the Helix is a subconscious sense of guilt -- of going on a journey of self discovery for my own personal pleasure and leaving my partner behind. My hope is that by receiving acknowledgment, at a minimum, or acceptance, as a consolation, or encouragement, as the ultimate gift, I can eliminate that small perception in the back of my mind. The one that's always wondering if I'm gonna get caught with this little curly white tail hanging out my butt. I've been repeating your advice to clear my mind of prejudices and allow this new experience to enter in, but I've never been able to feel totally at ease. This breakthrough should begin to change that.

I've never been too keen on divine intervention, but it's rather odd how everything that I needed to broach the subject fell into my lap within the last two days. As you can tell from my initial post, I was very anxious before the discussion, but afterward I was able to honestly say to my wife "This is the happiest I have ever been...". Not only that, but it's opened up the communication channels further and I am more confident we can weather whatever the future holds in store for us.

I can't thank the members of this forum enough. Darwin, even though your response was painfully blunt, it was exactly the kick in the ass I needed to pursue the communication with my wife. Thank you, and all the other members, very much. I've only been a member here how many days?...and I'm already feeling liberated...

slipperybugger

Sorry, thhn,

I didn't see your post before my last response. Yes, I believe the aneros will be a natural extension of the anal stimulation. I believe my wife would be relieved if I presented a new hands-free tool that will stimulate me so she won't have to work at it. AND, it would free up her hands for other "activities".

As in my response to Mr. Mayfield, bringing the aneros into the bedroom is not primarily to derive pleasure from it during love-making. Rather, it allows me to get over the guilt hang-up of exclusive solo use. By sharing with my wife when we are together, I'll feel more liberated in using the product when I am alone. Of course, the manufacturer of the product states many practice sessions are needed before I will begin to experience any of its pleasure potential, and I can't expect her to be there for each one. When I get better at achieving pleasure, I will invite her to participate -- but all she can really do is watch me going crazy -- and help scrape me off the ceiling... (Although my ultimate fantasy is she pleasures herself at the same time...)

And thhn, there is no bigger coward than yours truly, so if you want to tell your wife, I'm sure you'll be just fine. You can use my ideas for a template, if you think it will help. Or tell her," Honey, come over here and read what this jackass posted on the forum..." Might be an ice-breaker.

slipperybugger

Thanks for sharing with us and congratulations! You folks are on your way. I just knew she would support you more than you feared she would. You have gained more than better sex; you have gained better marriage and that cannot be bought. Hang in there, man. We will all be pulling for you.

Now if I could get my wife to do it with a vibrator. . . hmmmmm.

Congratulations slipperybugger!
This just serves as another reminder that communication is one of the important keys to a good relationship.

PhilS

By all means, get her a vibrator...maybe as a "gag gift" ...with a package of batteries. But do let her know that you love her and you love loving her.

Fuzzy

Yes communication is key to a strong relationship, but somehow with careers and raising kids, I don't get the chance to think a situation through before I speak and so I remain silent. Not healthy, but a fact of our lives. This holiday changed all that.

Remeber how I said everything I needed to address this situation seemed to fall into my lap within 48 hours? It gets better...

I'm on Androgel to raise my testosterone and my libido has kicked into overdrive. I'm craving release daily, sometimes twice daily. I asked my wife how long she would be away in March for her medical conference. When she saw the horror in my eyes after saying "A week and a half", she countered with, "Maybe you should start using 'Wanda'".

I've got a much better idea...Aneros web site - wife; wife- Aneros web site. Me want.

The End(?)

slipperybugger