Can't let go

@kaygo
Oh man, I myself feel like I have just recently emerged from a dark tunnel and back into the daylight. I have no real explanation as to why it happened or a cure. I am so sorry to hear you are in a similar fix. Life creeps up on you bit by bit, chipping away at things until you feel like a hamster on its wheel. Pressure and demands that leave little time for our own needs wear you down. They did me anyway and I felt flat, inexplicably sad and disinterested in most things, not only Aneros sessions. I found it quite worrying as I am normally upbeat and positive. One thing that helped me was just knowing that I had been through far worse times and had come out the other side having weathered the storm. And eventually I’m feeling more like myself now although still a little mystified. I hope your seas aren’t too rough and that some sunshine is on the horizon for you soon.

@kaygo
I hope your seas aren’t too rough and that some sunshine is on the horizon for you soon.

Check in again after Dorian has passed....

Oh no! I didn’t think my words could have been so close to an actual event affecting you. I sincerely hope things turn out ok.
Take care.

Get some weed and lay your troubles on that?!?!

Oh no! I didn’t think my words could have been so close to an actual event affecting you. I sincerely hope things turn out ok.
Take care.

haha yes. just got home with some weed to include in my session tonight. first time trying this, also having what i call a blonde hotbox to lead into it

Get some weed and lay your troubles on that?!?!

haha yes. just got home with some weed to include in my session tonight. first time trying this, also having what i call a blonde hotbox to lead into it

Get some weed and lay your troubles on that?!?!

I’d never recommend that, because drugs may increase the misery you‘re in.@kaygo, what instead about some „I feel good!“ music and dancing? Lately I found myself alone at home, not in the best mood, then I decided to listen to a live concert of one of my favorite singers, began to sing along and to dance - alone in the living room. Finally I was caught by the positive vibes of the live concert, people celebrating their star on the stage, until I felt like dancing on that same stage enjoying the music, the cheering, the applause, the vibes, the dancing, my mood becoming better and better and in the end it all made me smiling and happy.
Best vibes to you and all the luck for you,
Mart

P.S. Hi @kaygo, today I've stumbled upon Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. It caught my interest and I couldn't stop reading before I've been through. It's only about a hundred pages but nevertheless made me review my mindset towards misery and fate, why I thought it perhaps might be of some help in your current mood. Best wishes, Mart

@kaygo That seems like a tricky situation because it sounds very psychological. I met someone recently who wished she had a higher libido, but said she just had no desire. She said she “wanted to want sex”. It made me think a lot about what that means, though it is hard for me to truly grok. For example, if your libido is down, doesn’t that mean that you are satisfied not having sexual thoughts/feelings, and thus it isn’t a problem? (I know that question is silly, because you are saying it is a problem, but like I said, I am trying to understand it.)

I suggest seeing a trained medical professional, like a sex therapist or a psychiatrist, if your budget allows. Otherwise, read erotica, read sex advice books, clear your mind through meditation, touch yourself, love your body, when exploring be present. Also eat healthy and don’t overeat (binge eating kills my libido), don’t drink alcohol (big libido killer as well for me, not in the moment but over the long haul— since I quit alcohol I have been so much more in touch with my body), see if prescription drugs you are taking have libido depressing side effects (a very common side effect)...

And I agree that drugs such as marijuana are not a solution, rather an enhancer of an already healthy mind.

@darkbond I don't know how to buy any.

@SOwithoutAneros I don't read as much as I used to, I can't keep my mind in one place. I used to be able to relax with music, but lately I can't get out of a "This is dumb. I'm not doing anything!" headspace. Not to judge anyone who can get anything out of it, just that meditation and other abstract methods haven't ever worked for me.

@divine_oblivion @thorny I haven't had a drop in four years, round about the same time I quit smoking. I've dropped 110lbs since last September (70 of those in the first three months) from 290 to 180. The body image issues I had before the drop were only compounded now that I'm left wearing a deflated hot-air balloon for skin. I'm on Adderall which apparently is supposed to be a boost, but that's not happening and I think I need to drop it anyway since it doesn't help with focusing on anything. Watching or reading porn lately makes things worse, since there's always some link I can draw between it and one or all of my exes. Plus there's the self-esteem issues, the "I'll never look as good as that" factor. It's what's ruined the walks I used to enjoy out on the sand. All those beach bodies that are too far out of reach for me.

I guess that's the core of it. I'm convinced that I'm unattractive, or at least severely outclassed by everyone around me, and no one's come up to me and told me otherwise. None of the exes ever said to me "I didn't start seeing this other guy behind your back and then eventually left you for him just because he looked better or was more satisfying in other ways", so I don't have any reason to believe that's not the case. When I try getting into an A-session, in whatever fantasy I try to slip into, I start to get into a groove. But then I make the mistake of looking down, and I see the empty spread in my thighs and stomach or the flaps that used to be gynecomastia, and I just feel like Jabba. Like if someone were to see me I'd be laughed at for being a gross, lonely creep. Not fawned over like those fit dudes that film themselves jerking off. Not that I'm not happy for them or that I'm jealous to the point of wishing ill on someone who's in good shape, just that I wish I could share in what they have, to sit at their table.

TL;DR
That went on longer than I meant, but the point is this isn't something new, and it's only getting worse with each additional square mm of visible scalp I see in the mirror.

PS @Harper It's fine, I just thought it was funny you used that analogy with the storm on its way.

@SOwithoutAneros I don't read as much as I used to, I can't keep my mind in one place. I used to be able to relax with music, but lately I can't get out of a "This is dumb. I'm not doing anything!" headspace. Not to judge anyone who can get anything out of it, just that meditation and other abstract methods haven't ever worked for me.
[...]
But then I make the mistake of looking down, [...] and I just feel like Jabba. [...] That went on longer than I meant, but the point is this isn't something new, and it's only getting worse with each additional square mm of visible scalp I see in the mirror. [...]

One for sure, if you miss to read these 100 pages - once more "not doin' anything", you give up a chance to make peace with your fate. I'm quite "old", some guys here might laugh out loud now, soon I will be sixty, I'm still not wise at all, but I believe having read this book helped me a bit to become willing to accept my fate, I too often quarrel with.

This is how Siddhartha's story and life began:
"Bliss leapt in his mother's breast when she saw him, when she saw him walking, when she saw him sit down and get up, Siddhartha, strong, handsome, he who was walking on slender legs, greeting her with perfect respect.
Love touched the hearts of the Brahmans' young daughters when Siddhartha walked through the lanes of the town with the luminous forehead, with the eye of a king, with his slim hips."
This is about when he nearly ended his life:
"With a distorted face, he stared into the water, saw the reflection of his face and spit at it."
This is about when he became wise:
"In this hour, Siddhartha stopped fighting his fate, stopped suffering. On his face flourished the cheerfulness of a knowledge, which is no longer opposed by any will, which knows perfection, which is in agreement with the flow of events, with the current of life, full of sympathy for the pain of others, full of sympathy for the pleasure of others, devoted to the flow, belonging to the oneness.

My best wishes
Mart

@kaygo

Congrats on your abstinence from alcohol and cigarettes and also on your incredible weight loss. Those are no easy feats!

It sounds like you are having body image issues and that is a major hindrance for you being in a the right headspace, in many aspects of life. Again I am not a psychiatrist, and I highly recommend you see one, because online advice in this realm doesn’t get to the core of the problem (and can even be dangerous).

However, having body image issues myself, I would like to give my two cents.

I have had a strange genetic condition my entire adult life, which restricts me in many ways, and it shows itself in a very physical and visual way: my legs swell up severely if I eat salt, and mildly even on a salt free diet. It is not at all sexy. And it is constantly on my mind in an obsessive way: I only eat homemade food, I spend 1-3 hours a day with my legs in the air, and I have to wear knee high compression stockings any time I am not lying down, from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I stick to this regimen to avoid swollen legs in the short term, and destroyed legs (or amputated legs if I really let myself go) in the longterm. For example, I just had my first operation on my legs because my veins are slowly giving out by the stress my condition puts on them. I am 33 years old.

This lifestyle has far reaching implications. I can’t eat out really at all, and I can’t spend much time without my stockings. So I fear situations that involve hot weather, beaches, swimming in public, and travelling— all things I actually love— for both psychological reasons, because I don’t want the the eyes on my kankles and swollen feet, and for physical reasons, because I don’t want to have to deal with the discomfort of the swelling. I have a fear of rejection (which I have pretty much gotten over, as I’ll explain below) and also I am conscious of the fact that many relationships involve travelling (difficult for me because of eating out) and vacation time spent in hot places with beaches/swimming etc., so I am not a good match for anyone that cherishes this sort of time spent in a relationship (most people do).

So I have learned to deal with it.

In my experience there are certainly women who are turned off by my problem, though they don’t explicitly say it. And I appreciate that they say nothing— no one should have to hear from someone else why they don’t think they are attractive, when it comes to immutable physical appearance. And fortunately for me women have more tact than men, because they spend their lives worrying about their appearance. With respects to anyone who doesn’t want to be with me based on my appearance, that is fine by me. I am not looking to please everyone, and that is a good way to cut out those who are superficial enough to care about something so petty.

Then there are the women who don’t care, because they are attracted to other parts of my body and, most importantly, to me as a person. Those are the women I want to be with.

Everyone has their “defaults” in the eyes of certain others. The buff guy at the beach has (probably a lot of) “defaults”, that immediately turn off certain potential partners. Maybe he is arrogant, maybe he smells bad, maybe he is boring. In any case it is useless to compare. We can only make the best with the bodies and minds our genes and life lifestyles have given us.

And in the end there is no perfect body that pleases everyone. I know my own tastes deviate from what society would have most heterosexual men and women believe they want. I much prefer chubby and fat women (so much more WOMAN to be with). I rely a lot on chemistry, not on what others think. I have been with women that are by most people’s standards gorgeous, but who I found not very interesting, and who were incompatible with me in bed. And I have been with women like my current partner, who is very overweight, but who makes me laugh a lot and with whom sex is a magical experience with no limits, and whom the very thought of gets me sexually excited. I much prefer the latter, that is, women who love me for who I am and who I love for who they are.

In the end it doesn’t matter if you are attractive to a million people or to one person. It just takes that one person to cultivate a relationship. And that attraction is based on so much more than looks.

I know plenty of people who are beautiful by societal/media standards but who suffer from loneliness, or who for (probably) body dysmorphia reasons find themselves unattractive. And others who are less attractive physically (again based on arbitrary societal standards) who have wonderful sex-lives and relationships, because they are confident in who they are, and because those with whom they are with see beyond their physical “defaults”.

The important thing is to love yourself for who you are, to cultivate your mind, to be empathetic and compassionate, and all those other trite-sounding self help ideas. I went through a horrible depression a couple years ago after a break up, and it is a vicious cycle of self-pity and self-doubt. No one wanted to engage in conversations with me because it was too depressing. One of my biggest fears was no one would ever fall in love with me again because of my medical condition and it’s implied limitations. When I got over it I still had the same body, but my love for myself and for life had changed, and so had my confidence. This change was palpable, and I started successfully dating again. I also stopped looking for one person to complete me and decided to be complete myself, and I began rethinking what a relationship is and what the purpose of jealousy and monogamy are... but that’s another post for another forum altogether.

So that’s my (long-winded) story. I hope it is clear, that it gives you some insight into how to change your mindset. I have no pretensions to being a therapist though. So go see a professional before your funk gets worse, please!

Alright, well this was a mistake.

Alright, well this was a mistake.

I wouldn't agree.

You just made a first step from

"This is dumb. I'm not doing anything!"

Instead you wrote a longer post and told us intimate details about your feelings.

The answers told you that you are not alone.

just that meditation and other abstract methods haven't ever worked for me

Some answers you might have misunderstood.

As I see it, f. e. Siddhartha's path indeed leads away from meditation and other "abstract methods" towards "things", matter.

Fetch these answers out of the waste bin and reread them, ...

then make the best out of it.

Best wishes

Mart

Sorry! Your post hit a heartstring for me. Hope I didn’t overstep...