Can anal.. replace a partner?

Well said @euphemistic! I think a lot of us here can empathize with you @Bartolo99. You are not alone. There are a lot of caring people here that will support you in your life journey. Hang in there and keep communicating. The more you do it, the easier it will eventually get.

Thanks guys but it's kinda hard to believe you folks are behind me when, as it may be clear be now, I'm quite the selfish jerk. (Not a jerk in the "outward" way, mind you, but when someone has known me long enough and I'm uninhibited around them.. they can see it.) It's all about me and what I want and gaining some sexual experience for myself. In very few places here do I show concern about the emotions/wants/needs of any prospective partner.

In fact my self-interest and potential narcissism is bad enough, I wonder if it is one of the major factors causing me to be so disconnected from people, and therefore unattractive to women. I mean, I really don't know much about other people. But also, I don't have any drive for it. I don't have any motivation to tend to others' needs.. and yet it's not that I don't feel empathy, believe me I do. It's just when I am "called upon" to do things "just because"... these things tend to divide my attention like a wrench thrown into clockwork gears. If you don't mind modern psychiatry, that statement is an allusion to developmental delay (ADD, or mild autism.) You're allowed to call BS on that if you want, but however you want to hang it, I've always been like this. Utterly single minded in the most literal way possible.. socializing and especially reciprocity, often can destabilize my functionality.

The limitation of not being able to reciprocate... thusly leading to being almost completely self-interested... if I can't change it, can I try to turn it into a strength of sorts, in my quest for intimacy? I have heard women like selfishness in men... can I make use of this somehow?

@Bartolo99 First: So, the short answer to your original question about if Aneros can replace partnered intimacy is, IMO, no, as some of the others have said---They are two very intimate experiences and may share certain characteristics, but they are very different. But that question has to be asked with a second one: Can Aneros give us a good, satisfying, intensely sensual experience with overtones and undertones of a sexual experience? Oh, Yes..
Now, given the way you have stated the question and your reaction to the answers already given, I first would like to assure you that I (and I think the others that have responded) are doing this in a respectful way and it is for the umpteenth time that I have felt a certain pride in belonging to a virtual community who (with very few exceptions) gives their members and outsiders such respect and seriously considers issues that are confronting them. I also wish to stress to you that what I am writing here, I do with the utmost respect and sensitivity to what you have described as your personality or behavior or both. I am not saying that because I feel the same way or have had a similar life experience, or because I can empathize with your predicament, but because, as a member of a group of unusual [mostly] men, who are sharing a special intimate experience in the Aneros experience, I have learned a sensitivity that I don't think I had before.
And that is my point, Bartolo99. There are some good people here and if you can get yourself to meet them and engage them, I think that you will feel better about yourself. You have shown yourself to be articulate and rational, and are extremely good at expressing yourself and explaining yourself in your posts.You already have a remarkable insight into what makes yourself "tick" and what you find problematic about it. Appreciating that about yourself, I think, is important. A person who honestly "understands" himself and can love who he is and what he may see as his faults, can appreciate others and love them for who they are, too. So you actually have a 'leg up' on some of us who have no idea who we are and what makes us do or not do things.
I feel confident that you will be able to make connections that will result in finding a/the "significant other(s)" in your life. No question that it will take considerable effort for you to "overcome" what you feel are your "weaknesses" (and I'm NOT saying here that I agree with you that they're weaknesses).
Heavy stuff, this. But it's important for all of us to think about...So, thanks for bringing it up!

Looking forward to your continued input and interchange, Bartolo99. All the best!

If you'll pardon my french, vicarious 'intimacy' can be very satisfying
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAbpDyIDWXA

@Ehm: "this website is not available"... But I certainly agree with you, and that is another "outlet" for anyone with an issue about physical intimacy or relationships!!

The ":" after https is removed while cliking the link, which make it invalid. Just correct that.

The ":" after https is removed while cliking the link, which make it invalid. Just correct that.

Weird nothing works, just copy paste into browser www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAbpDyIDWXA

@Ehm: that is another "outlet" for anyone with an issue about physical intimacy or relationships!!

When I see tongue kissing I don't miss it so much and accompanied by an esthetic moan, I can come.
This is what I'd like more than sex with a porn star, find one with the best moan, and then do the ksmo together and goad each other to ever increasingly slutty moans,not just an expression of primordial lust but an exultation of its beauty.

The tongue ring kills it for me, sorry.

And I don't even think I wanna do french kissing. There's such a thing as "too close" and that's a good example.

Vicariousness is next to Godliness 😉

Your objection does underlie the point I wanted to make, it's not about the tongue ring it's about the cinematic effect it provides that to me goes beyond the initial discomfort of seeing a tongue ring.

In fact if you take the position that I do, then it doesn't make a difference if you are vicariously experiencing pleasure thru someone elses body or your own body,experience is primary. And like the ears of a blind person help him see, camera shots from different angles can give a more comprehensive view than reality. If done right, the esthetic moan can be more arousing than say'not wanting to disturb the neighbours'. I dare say the esthetic moan is more titillating than loud yells to listen to.I find a women barely containing herself more arousing than one that's letting go. Perhaps coz it's not a physical experience So like a blind man can see with his ears thus overcompensating for loss of touch and feel, you touch and feel by hearing a slutty moan and enhanced viewing, a kind of intimacy without the intimacy.

But that's the challenge coz a good slutty moan these days is hard to find, and to find it without interference, cheezy music or a man's voice harder still.
So strange, women do all kinds of weird things to be pleasing to men: use some kind of suction to get big lips, get operations to fill their tits and/or ass with silicon, but slutty moans is taboo?? I don't get it.

I just want a chick with a half-decent booty, plain and simple. It shouldn't be impossible.

This has got to be the best forum in the world!

Guys willing to open up and seek, and receive, advice from other guys on some of our most intimate fears and concerns!

I've been here only over two years and I am constantly amazed at the overall compassion you guys show each other! So cool!

Just had to say something!

TG

Yes, thank you Theme_Gasm, it does seem we have a pretty open-minded group.

I'm afraid, though, that much of the advice offered here about how I can break the ice and go out on the "hunt"--in real life, preferably--will be heard, but hardly used. Now, I don't want anyone to think they're wasting their time giving advice--theory without practice can also be helpful, I've found.

But I worry about the practical part--execution. Going out and talking to women, etc. I have many limitations, and a fear of embarrassment. I'm 33 now, not getting younger. I have had a long time of following a very specific set of behaviors, chief among them is social avoidance. At this relatively advanced age, does my brain even have enough plasticity to allow changes to ingrained patterns?

The one upside is I'm developmentally delayed anyway, so, it's possible that my 33 years of age is still relatively young per social development. Maybe I'm so delayed that I would need to be in 30s anyway, just to be anywhere near "ready" for going out and getting some booty.

If anyone has further thoughts, lemme know...

@Bartolo99 A very interesting thread. Reverting to the title of this post. I don't think Aneros use will replace a partner. Now considering your last post I think it is possible for Aneros use to give satisfaction and contentment. A partner may help achieve satisfaction and contentment but is a huge number of relationships it adds stress, confusion and heartache. Having a partner will not necessarily be a happy situation.
So I think in your mind keep the two in separate categories. Having a partner just may not be you. In many of your comments you highlight "self assessment". It possible that there may be an underlying reason for how you understand yourself in relation to the world. One course of action is to seek independent assessment, the other is to relax and enjoy your Aneros experience enhancing it with mindfulness and meditation - you certainly will not be the only one doing this. This is just my tuppence worth, I wish you well on your journey.

I'd say Bartolo99 has already answered his own question.
But from my own perspective and for the continuance of this thread I've noticed influences probably due to my Aneros usage that I've noted others with partners discuss as well.
I've become more attuned to what my body needs, sometimes this is penile sometimes it's anal, sometimes it's just energetic and sometimes it's within very short periods of time.
I think this is the advantage of being alone, so when your penis isn't staying hard jerking off/sex, because either the porn/sex doesn't arouse you at the moment or because you feel more ass horny. If you were in a relationship you would more likely resort to taking viagra or some other chemical pollutant coz it's not just you you have to think about, but being alone you just listen to your body and realize you haven't been thoroughly fucked in a long time and out comes the progasm ice.

@Ehm: I don't think most 33 year old guys would need Viagra.

Not to mention--if it's a 1 or 2 night relationship, which is perfectly fine with me--such concerns are irrelevant. I just want the experience of sex with another person, call it selfish if you want.. but there's no denying we are all creatures of desire.

@Bartolo99, why don't you just pay for sex or a sexual massage? You will be in control and won't have the pressure of your partner's expectations for intimacy or empathy so you can relax and enjoy the experience. Sensual massage is a great way to explore your sensuality and sexuality without attachments. You can limit how far the masseuse will go and what they do with you. Then perhaps after a while you will have more confidence and more fantasies to take with you and explore in the real world! I'm exploring sensual massage now, both one-way paid and mutual exchanges. It's a great way to explore my eroticism and the subtle sexual sensations I may have missed in the heat of passion, but without the pressure of commitment. It's surprisingly intimate too.

Yes, I was going to suggest the same thing.
Some people like to get free apples, some steal them, some climb over the neighbour fence, some simply pay for them - and everyone benefits!

Call me one who likes to get free apples, in this case 🙂

I'll need to learn to fake confidence, though. That's still a lot of work for a shy, avoidant, tense-looking guy, though... :-/

Someone always pays, it is difficult to find a fair exchange of energy.
As a footnote, what are you giving (that the other wants), for what you are getting (what you want).
I mean this kindly.

I think to varying degrees, most guys go through some version of this.

Personally, I got over my anxiety about and fear of rejection by being rejected. It burned at the time, but it was something I could move on from(more than that, I would say it inspired me in a way). To me, the more you avoid pain and fear, the stronger they grow and the more power they have over you.

Someone always pays, it is difficult to find a fair exchange of energy.
As a footnote, what are you giving (that the other wants), for what you are getting (what you want).
I mean this kindly.

Just myself. What else am I supposed to give?

Better to have a conversation to catch the nuances that words do not impart. Here goes:
Essentially you are not giving anything - you are getting an experience, or getting relief.
The question is, what of equal value is "she" getting in return. "Myself" has little value if it is not there tomorrow.
I repeat, I mean this kindly.
Most men are takers, giving little in return other than pregnancy or infections, if not bruises and rejection. I truly feel it is a pity that there are not girls who are valued and supported who can take a guy and make them whole in a sexual experience - courtesans in times past filled this function and they were treasured and not condemned. Our culture is just so cruel and we pay a colossal price for that. Oh dear I am getting excited!!

If the answer is supposed to be what "special qualities" am I giving (prospective) her in return for sex, then I'm not interested in answering. I'm tired of these "self-assessments".. half the time when I write them, I think about what I lack, not what I may have to give. So, this refusal to answer is about learning to avoid my "anger" or "self-loathing" triggers. Maybe if you ask the question in a different way, so that I don't end up comparing myself to the societal expectations of men (which is destructive for me), I can respond then.

So again my answer for you is: just myself. Whatever qualities there are to be found, good or bad, you can all speculate but I'm not doing my own evaluations anymore. Not to mention, there is an oft-repeated phrase: "just be yourself." Ideally, all I should have to do is be myself. Shouldn't that be enough?

@Bartolo99, I am very happy to withdraw my comments. They were probably ill-conceived and not appropriate to the thread. Sorry if they have caused any distress.

@isvara, sorry if I sounded snappy there. Re-reading it, yes, that was quite a negative post. And it's not your fault.. that's just my unnecessary reaction.

It's just that I do not know what to say. I could say I'm a half-decent looking guy, I can (sometimes) be a good listener in 1-1 situations, I'm quirky and have an offbeat sense of humor. So if the question was fairly literal, that's my answer, for now.

.

.

Did you want to say something else? Don't be afraid to, man. The only thing is I can be quite sensitive is one is going to judge me negatively, that's all.

Hey @Bartolo99 - I'm a new user to these forums, officially, though I've been hanging around here, and using the Aneros, for a couple years now. This is my first post.


I've been following this thread from the start and it inspired me to finally sign up and share - reason being, I can relate to a lot of what you said. Even more than the content, I feel like I can recognize the tone, or the "spirit" of what you're saying, in myself.


Before I go on, I want to point out that the focus of this post is going to be about my experience. This is not for narcissistic purposes - I know there has been discussion of that earlier - but for the sheer purpose of putting myself out there in hopes that you and others might recognize some of yourself in my story and take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone in what you feel and experience. To realize that you are not alone - to fully realize this, which means admitting to yourself that you are not alone in your struggles, allowing that possibility in...that's a powerful thing. Ok.


So, like you, I am 33 and struggle with, as you put it, "hypersensitivity to environment," "heavy introversion," "inability to socialize in a group setting," "serious problems processing emotions," "emotional responses WAY out of proportion" - all of this I can relate to.


Little things, little tiny things, little looks, body language across the room or walking down the sidewalk, I pick up on subtle cues and they become magnified and assigned meaning in my mind to the extent that the smallest withdrawal in a conversation can trigger fight or flight. Put me in a romantic context and my insides are pandemonium.


Of course, this makes it difficult for me to connect with anyone. I'm always in defense mode, uptight as fuck. Emotions, when I feel them - and I've been choosing to feel them lately - tend to be catastrophic, end-of-the-world type feelings. I've gone through periods where I'd get triggered and get stuck for weeks at a time, unable to reach out to anyone and share my true feelings for fear I'd scare them off. Emotions are a lot for me to deal with; sometimes I can't imagine burdening someone else with the onslaught of emotion I feel inside.


Enter alcohol and drugs, typical college stuff. Eventually, I took to altering my consciousness like a bad metaphor (think, ship to water) and got quite good at it. This is how I dealt with social situations and sex situations for over ten years. Emotions?? Fuggedaboudid. Substances worked for a while, then they didn't, then my life fell apart in the only way it can when growth is necessary.


It sounds like you take more of a logical approach to dealing with emotions: you "...attempt to destroy the negative emotion, or avoid it by using logic." This sounds a little healthier than getting fucked up, but at the end of the day, as someone else pointed out, trying to destroy or avoid emotion will only make it stronger in the end. The emotions will always come out, in some way or another.


I first got the Aneros on a whim over two years ago. I went to a local sex shop intent on getting a butt plug and came home with what I eventually learned was the MGX. After a couple of months of usage, after reading these forums, during one particular session I felt something open inside of me that had been locked up tight. For the first time, I felt my entire body, the entire energy field of it, the blood pulsing, my prostate pulsing, orgasmic feelings in every cell. That felt amazing from a pleasure perspective, but it was more than just fucking pleasure. I connected to myself in a way I hadn't before. Even if for short time, it seemed like I transcended my normal thought patterns and beliefs...it was just this body and the pulsing pleasure. There was no "me" in that moment, just the glorious, glorious moment. Suddenly "I" felt a spaciousness and freedom that I'd never known before, not with alcohol or the numerous other drugs I've taken. I felt a power I'd never known.


The next two years turned into a journey to find out what the fuck that was. After that experience of pure self, there was then the conflict between that truth and the beliefs and feelings I had that said constantly and mercilessly, "You are a piece of shit. You are inadequate. You don't deserve affection. You don't deserve sex. You are inept. You will always be this way. Everything you see is just evidence to that fact." The journey that reconciled, or shall I say, integrated those two things, could fill a book. I have the desire within me to write one, actually.


The point is, the Aneros didn't replace a partner for me. But what it did do was provide a means of introspection, of going deeply into myself, of exploring my sexual side - my desires, my fantasies - and hell, just allowing myself to feel pleasure, telling myself that it is OK to feel these feelings, that it's natural, that I am worthy of love and affection and sex as much as anyone else on this planet. That I am not unique in that regard. This was the hardest thing I've ever done: confront, headfirst, the root of the evil fucking feeling that ruled my life. And, in fact, it's an ongoing process. I feel these horrible feelings most every fucking day. But they're part of me. And I love them, as woo woo as that may sound.


For the longest time when people used to say "just be yourself," it used to piss me off. What the fuck does that mean? That's a stupid cop-out answer, I thought. Now, I realize that I can't be anything other than myself. Seems simple and obvious, but it wasn't for me. To be myself means to accept the large contradictory multitudes that I contain. It means to connect to my desires and fears and fucking plain-old day-to-day emotions. It means allowing myself free-expression when I can, regardless of the perceived social or romantic consequences.


Here are a few things that have helped me, or that I've realized during this journey, that may be of some help to you:

• I can't do this alone. As much as I wanted to believe I was alone and unworthy, I had to admit to myself that I need other people in my life. And more than that, I need to *connect* to other people and share my feelings with them, as ugly and fragile as they may seem.
• Individual and group therapy has helped and is helping me greatly
• I involved myself in activities I enjoy that put me around other people in a non-sexual, non-romantic context. For me, this was getting involved with improv comedy and playing music with people.
• Even though it seems like a huge deal to me sometimes (as it did today), sex is actually not a big deal at all. Sex is the most fundamental, natural thing this life has to offer. It is life, or at least inseparable from it. Bodies grow and they die. People have genitals and they like rubbing them together. Who the fuck knows why this is? But it feels good if you let it.
• Affection trumps sex. A good hug from a friend, if I can manage to actually ask for one, can change my world for a few hours.
• Intimacy trumps everything. Intimacy with myself and intimacy with others. I used to think it was sex that I wanted. But it turns out it was intimacy. Where lack of sex feels out of my control most times, intimacy, as it turns out, is completely within my control. How much do I open up around others? How much do I let others in? I am in control of that gate, it's just that the door is heavy and rusty a lot of the time.
• Intimacy does not always equal sex, nor does sex always equal intimacy. A meaningful conversation with a friend for me is deeply fulfilling to the extent that it's like, "Sex? Who needs it!?"
• This is a slow, on-going process. It is not easy; oftentimes it's excruciating. But the choice for me is to live in that ugly place of isolation and harm myself, or work on finding out what is meaningful to me in this life and pursing that with all I have
• All 7+ billion of us on this planet, at the end of the day, beyond race, gender, social conditioning, etc. is a human fucking being. We're all the same underneath. This is not lip service. This means I am not unique. I have no idea what this life is or why any of this here or why there's so much pain in the world, but I now know I don't have to struggle as I once did. I have the power to change myself, to grow, to transcend old conditioning and behaviors. So do you and everyone else
• It turns out that offering help to others, focusing on them, is wonderfully rewarding.

I wish you peace and success on your journey.

Thanks for replying, man. I really don't have the time/impetus now to respond to much of this, though. Long posts are trouble for me, though, don't take offense to that.

While there is some similarity according to what you write, there are also some very important differences. I don't know if these differences are hardwired, or if they are habitual.

The most important difference between you and I is you *want* to be around people, socialize, have friends, and such. Now, I need to socialize and have friends also.. but only in a "teaspoon" dose. I can socialize once or twice a week with one person and that's it. I've also explained many times there is a genuine disconnect between myself and others... while I do understand and feel empathy, I do not have any desire to do anything with it. It is a "missing connection" for me... so, to me, this appears to be hardwired. I do not "have" reciprocity... you do, though, and that's a notable difference.

Allow me to be cynical now: the fact that you have normal empathy and you "follow through"--you spend time with others, do things with them and for them, whatever--that explains why you have had sex. Basically you understand people. The fact that I do not.. explains why I haven't had sex. In other words, you understand people; I do not, and not only that, I don't even care to. I don't have the ability to.

I'm not sure how much more explaining I can do. I've tried therapy before--many, many times--and it doesn't help me. I have to be me.. I have to find *ways around* these obstacles I have.

So, and I've said this before as well... I'm a selfish bastard. My goal is singular... to experience physical intimacy with a woman, without literally paying her for sex. Paying for dinner, or for a movie, or whatever happens that night... that's all fine, haha. Paying for sex is NOT fine with me. I'm stubborn and selfish, but not delusional: I *know* this can be done.

Now I guess with this post I have taken off some of the shackles of calmness and demeanor, and revealed a bit more about myself, which some of you might not like. I really *am* a selfish jerk interested mostly in one thing. There's a raging anger in me about all this, the fact that i'm not "getting" what I want to get, when I see everyone around me *is*.. including cocky players who have longtime girlfriends but lie and cheat constantly. I'd rather you reserve your scorn for them--than for me. At least I'm not the kind of person out there to "one-up" everyone and make you miserable, just so I can feel like the toughest guy in the room.

I'm shy and selfish.. any reason why these two shouldn't go together? Hahaha...