Aneros or sex with wife? which one is better?

@butters

Posted by: @butters

Well, not to put too fine a distinction on this, but as far as I know, no one here is advocating actual rape.  So there's that!

I sort of got the idea that they were. The phrase "push on past initial protests," amongst others, is one of the definitions of rape. While books and movies seem to tell us otherwise--that is, that insistence leads to consensual sex-- reality is the opposite. Outside of pre-conceived games and the fantasies of hundreds of years of media, this is called non-consensual sex, or rape. There is a chance that the person give in and eventually enjoy the act, but there is a good chance that that the partner will not enjoy the act, or even be seriously psychologically harmed by it.

Posted by: @butters

I know a certain brand of (mostly academic) feminist theory is fond of running fast forward with the above viewpoint; I am sadly very familiar with its bizarre evolutions, and consider much of it to be akin to mental illness gone amuck in our universities.   

Everything is "socially constructed" - of course by evil men, who control the "dominant discourse"; women are invariably the hapless victims in all this.  Many of them will push it so far that any and all sex is rape.  Et cetera.   

I did not talk about any extreme feminist theory above.  I merely talked about the basis of consensual sex. That is, two or more consenting individuals. I object that you bring up this extreme theory and thus connect me to something I don't agree with myself.

Posted by: @butters

In any case, no sane woman actually wants to be raped; and no doubt there is such a thing as marital rape. 

We agree on this!

Posted by: @butters

Most women, however, love to be dominated and "taken".  Even especially the ones spouting extreme feminist theories.  At least in my (I must say, considerable) experience.

Some "sweeping generalizations" are true, because human nature doesn't really vary as much as we like to think.  

I disagree however with these generalizations. You have considerable experience. So do I. It is hard to draw generalizations from our experiences, because I have drawn far different conclusions to you after sleeping with many women. Most likely each of us attracts a certain type of woman with relation to domination, and sexuality is a vast and full of contradictions.

But even if these generalization were true, that human nature creates women who want to be dominated and men who want to dominate (again I disagree with this, and in addition it doesn't account for the non-heterosexual world), this isn't what I am speaking out about. I mainly objected to "pushing past initial protests."

The problem with "pushing past initial protests" is that protests equal non-consent. If, like @helghast says, his wife is fine with that, then ok. But if not, you are psychologically hurting the person in a very serious way.  The problem is, there is a lot of gray area here, and it depends from person to person.  One person might love it. Another might not care too much one way or the other, and accept it. Another might have their life ruined by it. It just takes one horrible experience to scar someone for life. And even one experience can easily undermine trust and destroy a relationship. Why take a chance at so much suffering, when it is as simple as being consenting adults?

I do not think you or @helghast are partaking in rape, I specifically said that. That is not for me to decide. I don't think there is anything wrong with people I know who recreate rape scenes even down to the details, in fully consensual ways. That is what they want to do as consenting adults.  I even do it myself to a certain extent (in both directions, dominating and dominated, using protests as play words). But we all talk in depth about it, we don't just take it for granted. You are right that many feminist women have fantasies of being dominated or even rape fantasies (though I don't think the percentage is higher than in the overall population...). But those who do, want it to be in the right situation with the right person in a consensual way.

Nothing can supplant consent, no one owes anyone anything. Marriage, money, power, a nice dinner... none of these things invalidate non-consent. No means no. It is a liberty to be able to say no and be respected for it, and every individual should have free reign over their body.

Otherwise... seasons cheers, y'all!   

Posted by: @divine_o

I sort of got the idea that they were.

i.

Well, it seems to me that the word "rape" is tossed around way too casually, as is the word "racism" - and these words have a peculiar kind of power.  And the people who wield them (illegitimately/falsely), at some level know this.  

Just one example: a number of years ago, a bunch of young college woman started to claim that their father's had raped them - and this became a kind of hysteria; it spread throughout the entire country, it was big in the news, college campuses everywhere, etc.  And guess what? When the attention and fervor died down, and after MANY lives were unalterably ruined, they pretty much to a person admitted that they made it up.  

But once that accusation hits, it's very hard to undo; and moreover, it's very hard to question/challenge the accusation.  

And it hurts not only the person who's falsely accused (I can furnish hundreds examples like this) but it hurts also the women who actually WERE raped.

So this penchant for seeing "rape" everywhere is something that should alarm everyone; it surely alarms me.  

It seems to me that in your post you were suggesting "rape" on precious little evidence.  It also seems to me that you were indulging in a wee bit of virtue-signaling/shaming.    

ii.

Re: the OP's issue:  

How many marriages do you know where the bedroom is virtually dead?  Just go to Reddit to see whole subforums teeming with people grappling with this exact issue.  

What's the overall pattern?  Wife doesn't seem to want sex ("she doesn't initiate"); and the husband is bewildered because she doesn't initiate and doesn't seem to want it.  He waits.  She goes through her days and doesn't give "it" a thought; as if, apparently, she can do without it.  Time goes by.  He doesn't feel wanted.  Marriage falls apart. 

What do you tell the guy?  Do more housework?  Cook her meals?  Compliment her?  Do little things for her?  And 9 times out of 10:  the issue gets worse.  

Even worse advice:  ask her permission to have sex.  LOL.  

Men should never disregard real expressions of resistance.  No doubt about it.  A real "no" is a real "no."  Obviously context/how well you know the person, etc. play a role here.  

But on the other hand, asking for a "yes" - asking for her explicit assent-- must be the single biggest turnoff to (most) women ever invented.     

As a whole, women do NOT respect that kind of behavior.  (Btw, does it work the other way? Should women ask for positive permission to give a man a blowjob?)

And also on the whole, women crave primal strength and passion; they want men to know what they want, and to go after it; and yes take it without looking for permission; they want to be overwhelmed by the man who is in that moment being overwhelmed by desire for her, and he cannot resist, so...  

If you don't know this about (most) women, it's not too late to learn. 

iii.

Ironically, this insistence on explicit consensuality is not only a kind of brutalizing of the intrinsic complexity, subtlety, and unkempt drama of a sexual encounter - turning it into a kind of banal contract, a sterile interaction between two "consenting" adults - it has left women themselves swinging in the wind, confused at what they want, and bereft of what they really crave.  

And this not only hurts women (and, of course, men), it hurts their children when marriages founder, as they so often do, on this very issue.

Anyway, that's what I would say to the OP:  go get her, make fierce love to her, dirty talk to her, fuck her so hard and long she'll beg for mercy, and then ask you for more. 

~Butters

P.S.

Btw, on the issue of "generalizations" - everyone makes them, and I daresay it would be impossible to express anything without them.  Which is why your post is full of them.  The question is whether or not the generalization is warranted.  That's, of course, up for discussion. 

As a professional "outside observer", I'll add that @regal13 and his wife do not seem to be in the kind of relationship where those kinds of "tactics" would work. As was noted, a more sexually dominant man will likely attract a woman that is looking for that kind of man and that kind of behavior and will happily consent to it. A less sexually dominant man will probably feel "cheap" or "dirty" or "rapey" if he tries it, and his partner will ask WTF is wrong with him, because that's not how their relationship works.

If a woman started telling me about her rape fetish, I'd get the hell out of Dodge, because that's just totally not me, and I would be the one not consenting in that scenario. I just would not be the right partner for her.  I don't consent to anything that is or appears forced, I'm not comfortable with it, and that's the whole point of consent.  So a man like me can't just go full on Alpha Male Huge Dick Energy and "show that woman who's boss". 

To me, Regal13's case is pretty clear cut : his wife holds 100% of the sexual power in the relationship, mainly because she knows that he won't leave and won't cheat. They are both intelligent people, they know what's what and things just settled in that balance. Think about it, she could have a few drinks and enjoy sex with her husband, but she decides not to. How hard is drinking 3 glasses of wine? She's not consenting to any sex, even if it would make her feel good. Everything he could try is automatically out of bonds, he knows that, she knows that. The only thing he can do that won't cause trouble, is asking from time to time and getting denied, and that must be a form of slow torture. 

Anyone who thinks he can just push her around a little and throw her on the bed and all her resistance will just melt, in that kind of power dynamics... well just thank your lucky star that you ended up with a sexually compatible partner, because in that situation what happens is that the cops or in-laws are called and show up, then what? 

@regal13 thanks for sharing, it really puts things in perspective. Sometimes there is just no easy answer, you just have to hang in there and keep going. I have a lot of respect for what you're doing for your kids, even in the face of what must appear to be a hopeless situation. I wish you the best. 

@butters 

for the third time I didn’t accuse anyone of rape. I did just the opposite, even explicitly so because I understand that weight of the word.  Please quote me where i accused either of you of rape.

I did disagree with the fact that you guys are promoting the idea of forcing sex on one’s partner, and said that depending on the partner, that it could be fine OR it could be emotionally damaging in irreparable ways.

Anyways, after your last post which I strongly disagree with on many points, I don’t really want to argue anymore. We obviously have very differing views about gender and human sexuality, and I don’t think debating here on this forum will get us very far. 

Posted by: @zentai

Anyone who thinks he can just push her around a little and throw her on the bed and all her resistance will just melt, in that kind of power dynamics... well just thank your lucky star that you ended up with a sexually compatible partner, because in that situation what happens is that the cops or in-laws are called and show up, then what? 

Well, that seems like a false choice...either:

1. Give up/beg for sex and be denied - OR,
2. "Push her around a little and throw her on the bed"

There are nearly an infinite number of possibilities here, and there is no sure-fire "tactic":  only the OP knows all of the factors, her moods, their situations.  

We could come up with any number of scenarios.  I suppose starting with drinks makes sense, as it has worked before; OP could tell her a dirty story from his past (or, make one up), or just engage in sexy chat.  Engage her continually and make it fun so that she has that second drink without thinking about it.  That is what bartenders do btw:  they always ask you at the right moment.  Make her laugh; get her out of her "head."  

And then, particularly when she's laughing, move in and kiss her, talk to her in a dirty way, etc.  Take control; tell her to bend over, to whatever....

The point is to engage and initiate and NEVER to wait for her.  

This is mostly about language/banter - by the time you're physically moving in, she's already ready to some extent.  Which is why the whole thing is a round-the-clock thing too: unpredictable but regular sexy banter/flirting.  Et cetera.   

@zentai Not sure I’ve seen you more excited on the forum. Don’t be taking things the wrong way. Language and semantics are easy to get mixed up. So are individual opinions. Look,I ain’t suggesting he ties the woman down and rapes her. He could roll over at night,if she begins to protest,he could lay a kiss on her,see if she starts kissing back,that’s not rape. Maybe she’ll push him away, at least he tried. “No,the kids might hear” for example,that’s when a cheeky grin comes in and a reply “we best keep it quiet” then... That’s not rape either..Just pushing back against any excuse instead of just accepting defeat. Like butters said,perhaps she waiting for him to fix the rut they’ve slid into to. Perhaps not of course. Push back is also pushing back against the whole thing,sitting the woman at a table and telling her things must change or the relationship will go down the pan. Challenge her save the relationship. Pushing back against adversity is exactly that,not rape.Butters was right,people like to to throw big words around that cause hoohah. “No one owes anyone anything” was said above. Not strictly true,most relationships work under the conditions that each partners genitals don’t bump into any genitals others than those of the other party in said relationship. Each partner owes it to the other to see to their sexual needs. If a party doesn’t want that,they need to state clearly before embarking on a relationship that they will not see to the other parties needs,so the other party is well informed.In this case,she should have told regal he can’t sleep with any women and she would not sleep with him,and if he could accept those terms,then they should marry. Bet she didn’t though. I’d like to add that in my mini convo with butters I did state one must know what acceptable inside one’s relationship.

@butters You're right, it's a false choice and I wrote it more in a general way, it was not a trap or anything. What you said can make sense for some couples, but here it feels more like a case where the woman made a clear decision that sex is just NOT happening. The fact that they live together doesn't change anything, if she doesn't want anything to do with it.

Everyone has their price, every lock has a key, that's another thing that's just false... Some people will just not budge. Have you ever told a salesman to just fuck off? What would it take for you to buy something you absolutely don't want? Even if they use all the sales pitches they know from their 20 years of experience selling stuff? If your wife is like that, and she doesn't want to buy what you're selling... I guess we won't be able to agree, and I think I know why : 

From your perspective and experience, some resistance means "thank you for the offer, not right now, I'm not sure, maybe I'll change my mind later, keep at it and we'll see what happens later" and you're right, that's not forcing anything on anyone, that's one kind of power dynamics. And you keep at it, you go back and forth in the seduction game until you reach a deal or get a hard NO. Seems fine to me in that context. And I guess you go for that kind of women who like that game, playing hard to get, all the banter that goes with it, where losing to you is winning for her, etc. And I say, cool for you, man, if everyone is having their fun. 

From my perspective and experience, it means "I thought about it, and I'm not interested now, and I can't see why I would be interested later. Please don't ask again." And that's already a hard NO and I guess that if someone doesn't show any more enthusiasm than that for my product, well that's their choice and that's the kind of thing that actually gets my respect. I think having agency is just that, sticking to your decisions, and having people trying to "convince" me or "coax" me into something is just insulting to me, and not something I want to participate in or do to others. I know what I want, I expect others to know what THEY want and I don't play games. It's either "Fuck yeah!" or "No way". That might be a big part of why I'm single, but you can see how a guy like me who would find himself in that dead bedroom situation couldn't get out of it. 

Hehe I really don't have any skin in that game, I guess I'll stick to my actual "An Aneros in every butt and Super-Os for everyone" mission and concentrate on those threads instead, that's something I actually understand and have experience with. Good luck to everyone with their relationships and take care!

@helghast 

No problem, it's clear that you're only sharing what works for you and no one is talking about any actual coercion here. I'm not comfortable with that approach personally but I've seen it work for others so yeah, there's that. To me that thread just, you know, got really weird really fast, and I guess I'm just here for the Aneros talk, my above answer pretty much sums my view on the whole thing. Different approaches will work for different couples and I don't think this is the right answer for that particular problem and particular couple. I wish playing games was never the answer, but the real world and my fantasy world are very different places. 

Now I'll get back to the butt stuff! 

Jk not done debating. Just wanted to throw data at anyone who cares to read it, because I love basing my arguments in science when possible. 

Here is a study of sexual fantasy. 1,516 people volunteered to fill out a questionnaire with a list of sexual fantasies. Each sexual fantasy was rated by the volunteers (intensity of interest) from 0 to 7 (0—not at all; 1—no; 2—very weak; 3—weak; 4—mild; 5—moderate; 6—strong; 7—very strong.

Three caveats.

1. It is very important to note that this is a study of fantasy, not about what one wants in real life.

2. As the study states:

“Overall, the results of this study should be interpreted with caution, however. First, volunteers in sex studies have more experience and they are more open toward sexuality than persons who refuse to participate in such studies.”

3. The survey took place in Quebec, a very socially liberal place compared to the rest of the world.

With these three caveats in mind, we can conclude that the overall world population’s desire of real life enactment of these sexual acts would yield different results based on culture and religion.  Results can only taken at a regional level, because of this.  If you just consider the results here, and thus Quebec or cities with similar demographics, the percentages of real life desire for the dom/sub acts are surely lower, because fantasy is a safe space, and real life isn't.  And the overall percentages of this study should be lowered again because the willing interviewees are more open sexually than the general population.

I invite you to look at the survey, but here are some of the juicier and pertinent morsels:

It seems that 64.6% of women and 53.3% of men interviewed for the survey fantasize about being dominated. 28.9% of women and 30.7% of men interviewed for the survey fantasize about being forced to have sex.  46.7% of women and 59.6% of men interviewed fantasize about dominating someone else. 11% of women and 22% of men interviewed fantasize about forcing someone to have sex. 

My thoughts with respect to this thread are first of all that men and women aren’t that different than certain people would like to think, even if women skew slightly more submissive and men more dominant.  But I insist on the word slightly.  It is far from allowing for sweeping generalizations.  Even if this study were a direct indicator of real life desire, it would mean 9/10 women don’t want to be forced to have sex, and 1/3 of women don’t want to be dominated. In liberal Quebec. 

On the other hand 92.2% of women and 88.3% of men like to feel romantic emotions during a sexual relationship, so there is that.  Not that romance and dom/sub are mutually exclusive, quite the contrary. I just wanted to point out that almost everyone fantasizes about romantic emotions.

Here is the link to the study where you can download the full pdf for free. There are lots of fun questions to read.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/267627883_What_Exactly_Is_an_Unusual_Sexual_Fantasy

Posted by: @divine_o

 

My thoughts with respect to this thread are first of all that men and women aren’t that different than certain people would like to think,

You summarily conclude that^^ bit of shallow ideology from a silly questionnaire?  I suppose I really don't care for pseudo-science.  

Apparently--and based on my reading a few posts of yours--I was indeed correct in my original extrapolation,:  you're thoroughly saturated with cultural marxist ideology about gender, among other things.  So much so, you don't even realize it; and was probably obtained mostly through absorbing it unconsciously from the culture around you.    

I have notice another odd thing:  first you keep saying that you haven't accused me of advocating "rape" - and then you go right on and do so ("forcing sex on women"), and also simultaneously engage in straw-manning (I never said anything about forcing sex on anyone, anywhere.)  And likewise, you said that you don't want to be "associated" with "extreme feminist theories" - and yet, you then express yourself in precisely those terms.  Which is it?  

At any rate, men and women are - on the whole - quite different in some respects, in part because they are wired differently, in part because of basic biological differences.

It's funny in a way:  the concept of "race," for example, has little to no foundation in reality.  It is, essentially, pure folk taxonomy.  And yet, incredibly, the very people who seem obsessed with rigidly enforcing categories like race—which have no foundation in reality—also invariably deny what indubitably does have a foundation in reality: gender.

If "an unexamined life is not worth living"; an unexamined concept ("gender is socially constructed") is not worth having.  

Indeed, it's a kind of intellectual suicide.   

Okay guys, i have taken action. More on that later. I appreciate all your suggestions, and some I have fantasized about some of them in the past, but I am treading on a history of mental illness here. It is a delicate situation. I don't believe in asexual, not that it isn't a thing in some people,  but not for my wife. She is bogged down by family history, anxiety, upbringing, and yes, I know she is tired from dealing with the kids. 

Yes, she claimed to be asexual once to me, but that was a cop out. Whoever suggested marriage counseling prior to marriage was spot on. Everyone considering marriage should do this...I could even a class in high schools doing just that (regardless of dating status) doing more good for all of society than a lot of other things kids have to sit through.  Broken homes or failure to form one in the first place costs a lot of money to a lot of people, and people are unnecessary hurt. 

My wife is the type who would leave hundreds of dollars on the table because it is too stressful to find the words to negotiate or just to say you she is being overcharged. She is just anxious. Tack that personality trait on to never being taught the goodness, power, purpose, and pleasure of her sexuality, rather quite the opposite, I am dealing with the uphill side of the road here. Now, I don't know how much difference counseling would have made prior to marriage,  because the character to deal with stressful topics was not there. As I cam to know her more, I realized all her life, she had coped with everything by just going along. We did attend several workshops and a weekend retreat, where I thought we had a similar understanding back then, but I see now what was going on with her...just going along. But we had conversations about a lot of things over time and even though she was guarded, I thought there was a "dark side" (I mean that in a good way...having desires that may be too kinky for her to admit to, like bondage fantasies) I still believe this to be the case.

I have to be careful what I try to do or say because she could easily end up in a puddle of tears and shut me out even more. Last time I really pushed it was five or so years ago and she couldn't be rational and threatened divorce. She says that was a mistake now and she didn't mean it, but those are dangerous words...and that put me in immediate defend my gang mode. I understood I may never be satisfied, but if that's the sacrifice I have to make, well, the kids are better off with me in the picture full time. 

I do know that the way she used to operate before we got married was often to oppose me at every step just for the sake of it, or fear or whatever,  I don't know, then after a while, maybe even after banging her head against a few figurative walls,  and me giving her the space, she figured a lot of things out. I saw a lot of growth or I wouldn't have moved forward.  That all seemed to slow down after the wedding. I think the stress of marriage and family was a lot to blame, and it has been a number of years of just tolerating each other. To fantasize about her or even desire her is difficult because of all the rejection. It is hard to be attracted to a "let's get this over with" attitude(yes, she has used those words)I have tried, and been slammed on my face on a rejection mat. That's what happened a year ago when I experienced my first Super O. I was meditating on her...thinking about having sex with her, fantasizing about her orgasm. Then I carefully  started talking flirting with her about multiple orgasms. I thought I had that figured out, and that didn't have to involve any devices, just us together breathing and kegaling, and if you're here, you may know the drill. But she couldn't answer yes or no, only, "what do you think?" Then we proceeded to spend time with her family, which usually translates to her getting stressed out and being a total *itch to me, and there is always confusion about what is happening, where were going to eat, etc., and somehow because a bunch of anxious poor communicators can't figure out what to do even if I offer to pay(they all get hangry and less able to understand anything), I end up looking like a jerk. Just like they always did to another family member by marriage. There has been only one attempt at sex since then, and it was lousy. But enough is enough. 

In a desperate attempt to get her turned on in the most diplomatic way I know how, I made a few fun purchases for Christmas. Sex with Emily turned me on to we-vibe and Foria CBD products. I bought Foria Awaken and CBD lube,  and a we-vibe sync couples vibrator. I dropped a few hints here and there that she was on Santa's naughty list and may get more gifts later.  The response was neutral to positive. Then there was Christmas and several barbie dolls that I had to cut free from their packaging bonds...it left a lot of room for jokes between us, and she was giggling and laughing about it. Later when the house was settled I brought out the gifts...and she blushed and asked if I got something to tie her up!!! I said no, but I have rope in the barn if she really wanted, all while laughing. I gave her the Foria first, and she was smiling but nervous. I've always been able to make her laugh. Then I put on a pitiful show  of playing nervous and stepping on my tongue (and she knew the act, and responded well) and I introduced the vibe saying I understood if she wasn't up for it or felt uncomfortable with it, but it was just something for us to have fun together, and I really meant it when I told her I wanted her to have multiple orgasms. (A woman having an orgasm is a turn on like no other thing for me...just thinking what they are experiencing...whew) So she was open to the couples vibe, not ready yet, but it's going to happen! I had to give her room to feel safe, and potentially turned on. That got set to the side for the night,  but I am happy to report that Foria Awaken made her "feel warm" and it did something. Maybe it was the novelty, maybe it did something internally,  who knows.  What I know is she smiled and liked it, and yes, the sex was pretty good after that. I was amazed. The CBD lube didn't feel much different than coconut oil to me, but I think Awaken did something sweet. 

We'll see how this turns out. I would love to bring the aneros toys into love making, but that may take a while. Right now, I'm just trying to do something to make it exciting, really for the first time consistently together, and hopefully on a regular basis.

Wow, you all have been busy here. I haven't had time to read everything that has been posted ahead of me. This thread started a small fire.

@regal13

yyyyyeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh dude. Awesome. Nice diplomacy.

If you want to get her a present that makes every girl cum, try a hitatchi wand. They are every woman’s best friend, and I have even been with a woman who had never cum before discovering the wand. I have gifted many sextoys to partners and don’t know why I didn’t think of that simple idea. I have given the lelo sona to two women, and both of them (current partner included) love it. It is cute and worthy of a name with its little mouth, ergonomically practical to use during sex, and works like a charm. Both these toys have a tendency to turn things numb with over usage, 15 minutes often being an upper limit, but lots of pleasure (and orgasms, depending on the person) is to be had in that time. I look forward to hearing about your future adventures.

Posted by: @regal13

but it was just something for us to have fun together, and I really meant it when I told her I wanted her to have multiple orgasms. (A woman having an orgasm is a turn on like no other thing for me...just thinking what they are experiencing...whew) So she was open to the couples vibe, not ready yet, but it's going to happen! I had to give her room to feel safe, and potentially turned on. That got set to the side for the night,  but I am happy to report that Foria Awaken made her "feel warm" and it did something. Maybe it was the novelty, maybe it did something internally,  who knows.  What I know is she smiled and liked it, and yes, the sex was pretty good after that. I was amazed.

Just a comment on this...

You are right to tell her desires, and you are also right to give her room without making her feel pushed in terms of having orgasms.  A big turn off is the pressure some men put on women to have orgasms.  I myself have made that mistake in the past. I truly think the female orgasm is very similar to the prostate orgasm.  Expectations from a partner in couple play are akin to expectations in our own head in prostate play. They can effectively ruin the mood, and even create longterm problems that are hard to undo.

So I like your attitude when you observe that "she smiled and liked it." Perhaps it will lead to orgasms. Perhaps it will lead to multiple orgasms. I have been with many women, talked to many others, and read tons of testimonies, and it seems that 1-3 orgasms per session is common. Some can't orgasm or rarely orgasm, even alone. And some are completely multiorgasmic, with no upper limit.  Sort of like us with our prostates. We are all different, and some of us seem to have the capacity to orgasm easily, across the gender spectrum, for reasons that would be sold in a book if we could explain them.  But whatever it leads to, your attitude is the right one. Without expectations and pressure, there can only be nice surprises.  With expectations and pressure, one risks disappointment and even loss of interest by one or both partners.  And just like with prostate play, it's the journey that counts.

Hey guys, I wanted to check back in here because so many of you chimed in with helpful, sincere, and understanding comments regarding my situation. It got a little warm in here for me at the time, so I slipped out of the room for a minute, but i did take action, and after ten years, my wife and I actually experienced a honeymoon period for the first time...and now we are expecting another baby ha ha ha! True story. We didn't intend to go there, but life is an interesting journey. 

Sex had been a sore spot all along and it was just not up for discussion.  We got pregnant immediately after we married and divorce was never an option...kids should be able to count on their parents to keep their home together unless there is a serious safety issue with abuse/neglect/addictions, etc. I just always hoped I would be able to just get her to crack the door open just enough to let a little love in, and I spent a long time feeling hopeless.

That's when I went out on a limb and thought if I presented it just right, she might at least feel she has nothing to lose in trying some products designed to spice things up. I used to think she would be a wild one if you just got her to open up, but I never could until now. How is a man supposed to get a woman warmed up when she doesn't want to be touched? Kiss, cuddle, and sleep was as far as she ever wanted to go. I always thought that bit about her being asexual was bunk...she simply didn't know how to give it a go. 

Foria Awaken was nice. Step one. 

I went with the we-vibe because I figured she would be offended by a vibrator that wasn't presented as a for couples thing...I know...and I was right. But it gave me the chance to give her those sensations in a way she would not feel threatened or guilty or whatever,  you know? So we just used it as an external vibe with me holding it and her. She pretty quickly went through the roof. Blew away my expectations and her mind. She even said she didn't know that was supposed to happen...all those waves like that! It took her breath, and I'm turned on and jealous all at the same time. I guess it is nature's gift to women for all the more difficult work their bodies carry in continuing the species. But I used that opportunity...maybe my only chance ever to sneak down on her and give her a little sample of what a pleasing delight open time with her husband could be with or without toys. Fellas, she melted again. Hottest sex I ever experienced followed, and a first time ever she acted like she wanted me to bone her! I was having a hard time believing it was happening, too. 

Later the next day or so, I told her she has every right to say she doesn't like something or to ask me for more of what she does like, or to guide me to a more pleasing spot. She said it was just all so new and she liked everything I was doing down there...and her voice was so cute, the most sincere I ever heard her. We had a setback or two, can't pretend otherwise, and I want to thank my friend here (you know who you are) for the support, pep talks, and anti-insanity coach through this thing. People are all so different in their situations and personalities,  but the understanding voice of a friend, even if only written exchanges, is a blessing like no other.

We have finally been sneaking around the kids even had them miss us a couple of times and they came banging on the door! Good for laughs, bad for orgasms! We still managed to get knocked up though! Nonetheless, if our house was in pleasantville, the trees in the front yard just caught on fire.

She's not feeling well now for a few more weeks, but a womanizer premium is arriving tomorrow just to celebrate life at some point soon together. She has finally become part of my fantasy life and that changes everything...it is quite depressing to think your wife may never entertain your mind in a way that ever makes you excited to head for home. 

And lastly, this has affected my super O mojo as well! It is coming back to me! 

As a quick addendum to my last post, one thing that struck me funny was that my wife, all these years, was locked into the idea that some people enjoyed sex and some just didn't,  and she was in the didn't enjoy it category and couldn't change that. She did change, though, and dramatically. 

@regal13 it’s about time! Really pleased for you. Was very frustrated reading your story! Told you she was just stuck in rut! Don’t take your foot off the gas anymore,a little routine is all she needs,and you know the saying,the more you have,the more you want! Get in regal!!! 
Have fun! Lots of it! 

@regal13, great couple story!  So nice to see that things can and do change under the right conditions.

Your story is another one that could be featured in a 'Couples Corner' section of the forum.  As more members open up about their marital adventures, maybe Aneros will consider creating something to accommodate the topic.   Who knows, as a result they might sell more of their women's products.