Aneros or sex with wife? which one is better?

I'm not in your situation. But I will say that maybe you need to talk to your wife honestly about how you feel about her sexually, and about the aneros. Try to include her in your sessions, maybe you two would like to try light bdsm, I don't know. You may love your wife, but you may also take her for granted without being completely aware of it. So keep trying with her. I'm sure it's worth it, because no matter what your aneros is there because you bought it, and your wife is there because she loves you. Big difference. There could be multiple factors for why you feel this way. To me, an aneros shouldn't cut you off from wanting real sex- but enhance it... but then again, people drift apart.

Just some thoughts. Take or leave them

Do you try sessions with your wife? 

Orgasm intensity and satisfaction? without doubt sex, 100% of the time.

For excitement and some nice feelings, aneros, sure.

@divine_o Unfortunately no. I think she doesn't understand me. He's a little conservative. Anyway I will continue riding aneros. 

@frekansdavtamj

did you have a lot of sex with her before?

there are many ways to incorporate the pleasure of prostate play without the toys. You can do aless during sex. You can do things that aren’t sex but are fun for everyone, like mutual full body caressing. You can go down on her while doing aless. 

But if you no longer are attracted to her or aroused with her, that is a different story. In that case you would most likely have to see a sex or relationship therapist to work things out, if indeed both of you want to change things. You say she is conservative and that she thinks you are frigid. These are labels that close rather than open dialogue.  In a relationship the most important thing is talking openly.  A therapist can help mediate and guide you two. 

I can’t compare aneros use to sex, because I mix the two all the time. Aneros is a regular part of my sexlife, and most times I don’t ejaculate during sex because I have had plenty of dry orgasms. It’s all fun. But I am me, and you are you, and we’re all different!

@frekansdavtamj

Don't take anything for granted. I'd do almost anything just to have someone I can hug sometimes. I've had to come to terms that at birth I won some strange lottery that gives me an amazing poker hand, but everyone else is playing bridge so I can't really join the table...

Anyone who can attract and keep a partner is very lucky in my eyes. I think you really should try to fix things with your wife if you can, the Aneros can be as good as sex, but it will never replace human contact and intimacy. I hope things work out for you.

You cannot grow together with the Aneros; Aneros will never be able to hold long conversations over cocktails with you; Aneros will never be able to share your happiness; it won't be able to comfort you in your grief; it won't be there should you become sick.  It's just a friggen piece of plastic.  Your wife is a human being.  Sex with her is far more profound, connective, and meaningful.  I cannot believe I have to say this. 

From some conversations I’ve had with a few guys here,you aren’t alone. Might be time to give aneros a break. This might be an unpopular opinion,but you have become unhealthy. It’s very unhealthy to be in this situation and it’s causing problems in your marriage. Your wife has noticed the change. She will only take so much until she decides to find a man who wants to have sex with her. DO NOT tell your wife your prefer a plastic toy to her body,there will be no coming back from that. If you can’t trust yourself,throw the toys away and start loving your wife again.If you don’t sort this out,it may end in divorce.

Posted by: @frekansdavtamj

Ever since I met aneros I no longer want to have sex with my wife. We rarely have sex. Sometimes I worry about this situation. I love my wife, but I want to prefer aneros instead of doing sex with my wife. This does not please my wife.

You are certainly not the first man to express the frustration in their Relationships, nor are you alone in a a sex-starved marriage. It appears to me you may have multiple dysfunctional processes occurring, namely stress induced dissonance between prostate massage addiction and failing bonding/intimacy with your wife. These are serious concerns far beyond the purview of this forum. IMHO, these issue should be addressed through professional counseling, please see the Getting Help section in the Aneros WIKI to get you started moving toward a more healthy relationship with your wife and resolving these conflicts.

Numerous men have integrated their Aneros use into their partnered relationships. The extent to which each does so is as individual as you are. Aneros use is mostly about pleasure, so whatever way you use it to increase your level of pleasure is your choice. You and your partner may find reading the Women Too chapter of the Aneros WIKI and the A Wife's Perspective thread useful information and insight into this topic. Additionally, you may enjoy reading the Blog entries of members 'artform' and 'STARR831' as they touch upon Aneros usage with their partners.

Good Vibes to You!

@frekanstamvj 

Two totally different things....Aneros use enhances but doesn’t replace sex with people IMO . There’s a level of intimacy there that just isn’t comparable to a self induced orgasm no matter how great it may be.  My wife when we first met was extremely conservative as well.  It takes some courage to address personal physical wants that may be uncomfortable for you both but to have that person as a soul mate is why you married in the first place, right?  You’ve committed at least 12 years of your life to her and say you still love her so why not express your desires to incorporate something new into sex that you may both enjoy?  I introduced my wife to “toy play” if you will after a frankly boring run of the same ole routine  and while maybe not for everyone it opened up a new realm of sexual exploration for both of us to enjoy together as well as individually.   Guess what I’m saying is maybe she just doesn’t feel comfortable enough with this type of exploration as you may and if some professional therapy would help bring your desires to light in a healthy way for you both I hope you’ll seek it out. 

@helghast you may be further along than me in that you can have aless sessions, but we are at a similar level not having full body superos and just getting prostate orgasms. I found that my Aneros prostate massage progress allowed me to better understand woman and how they get sexual pleasure. I’ve been with my girl 31 years. My realizations with prostate massage made me a better lover. The backdrop is we haven’t had great intercouse for a decade due to post menopausal issues. She got Mona Lisa touch treatments which worked at refreshing her vagina, but I still can’t get in all the way and ride like we used to. It will take a time for us to get back fully. Since my new understanding of myself and women, we’ve become closer. In your other writing you mentioned you have regular intercourse with your wife that includes quickies during most weekdays. If you love her and you’re close, build on that with her sexually and more important talk to her. 

@zaqpol I’m not totally following you friend. I do believe I have a normal healthy relationship with my wife both sexually and emotionally. What was written about not wanting sex with his wife and just the toy freaked me out a little. It’s not a place I’d like to end up myself.

While it will be of little help to a lot of you now, my brother and his fiance started seeking marriage counseling leading up to their wedding and continued to make regular appointments, with the attitude that it is better to make a habit of it now instead of waiting until they do have a problem (as it would seem people inevitably do).  Having read here in the past about one or both spouses being offended by the suggestion of starting counseling once problems develop, I think my brother is on the right track.  So many people put off scheduling appointments once problems develop, it would seem!  Of course it doesn't help to tell you this after the fact...

@frekansdavtamj I would like to echo what Rumel and others have said in that if this has become a problem then a marriage counselor is probably the right way to go (actually it would seem a few of you on here could benefit from counseling).  You are getting some pretty good advice/examples as well on how to incorporate the Aneros into your married life, but I think this forum can only help up to a point and professional help might be called for.  I take it from your verbiage that you're not a native English-speaker and possibly going to the AASECT isn't helpful.  I have no idea what links to offer you for where you live, but I'm sure you can find them yourself if you're willing. 

@helghast sorry misunderstood. 

@faith-manages I understand very well what is written here. I wish I could speak English like my native language, I could express myself better here. However, I have to thank you all for giving me good advice. Good vibes to you.

I probably  should not comment here on this thread, because I have a bit of a belly ache over the whole issue of sex with my wife. I have been in bed with warm women, and I almost married one, but left her for...well...at this point in my life, I'm not sure why, because after being married a similar number of years as you, @frekansdavtamj I never respected my ex girlfriend more. She was actually an amazing communicator and I was the headstrong dumbass. That is water under the bridge.

I never had sex with my wife until our wedding night, and it was probably the biggest disappointment of my life. She started out frigid and stayed that way. There was never a honeymoon period. Not even close. There was never a response to warmth with her. We also happened to be extra fertile, and she (therefore we) suffer with OCD and warped ideas of her own faith...like sex is dirty, you're not supposed to enjoy it or it's a sin, there is absolutely no reason to do it if you are pregnant since the only purpose for the degrading act of love in the first place has been filled.

Our very honeymoon had to be delayed due to an academic orientation that her boss told her at our wedding she didn't need to attend. Talk about a swift punch in the gut immediately after taking vows. 

I have been swatted away, told to "love her anyway," told "not until you change jobs,"(I guess then she would start being a loving supportive wife...probably not), she has told me she was asexual after the first few years of not so blissful sexless marriage.  That's not where she stood before the wedding, but I quickly realized she never really developed character growing up or when she was in college.  I realized after being part of the family for a while that none of her siblings really ever did either, they are all very weak hearted. Good work ethics and strong that way, but would go along with any stupid behavior their friends walked into. Their dad is a genius and distant. Also unaware of how to connect with them. He's a great guy and all, just no earthly clue how to relate to his kids other than give them money. 

There is a lot of mental illness on the other side of her small extended family and she takes an SSRI...which I understand can be murder to even a healthy libido. It's a total flatline on hers and she is too embarrassed/bashful/anxious/whatever to discuss this with her doctor. 

Divorce is not an option for us. If we had no children, I would have been gone a long time ago,  but it is low conflict here, and I refuse to put my kids through that division.  No way in the world would they come out better for it.  She's not a bad person, just the most clueless highly educated woman I've ever known.  I'd like to think counseling would help, but she has a very similar education to any counselor, and as she put it, "knows about the techniques already" so there's a wall there. She truly is not interested in orgasm with me or any other person or means. One time six or seven years ago, she had a few glasses of wine and actually let go...the result was a mindblowing evening of orgasmic sex that left us both flopped back with stars floating around our heads. One time. That's what I thought was in her way back when, I had no idea she would be THAT locked up in herself. Try to talk about that night and she acts ashamed...can't let that happen again.  

So to the question you presented,  if I had a warm loving woman, I would much rather have that human touch making me feel more human. Now that I have experienced some of the joys of Aneros pleasure, I would love to incorporate both the aneros and sex with her. Sessions of pleasuring one another, bonding like nothing else. But as it is for me, the aneros practice is pleasure and survival. I have some hope for a change, and I do still try to make that happen,  but I accept the humiliation when it doesn't, and that is a little depressing. 

@regal13 again thank you for opening up. Your story is fascinating, and you present it very well. 

And again I am impressed by your desire to keep your family together for your kids sake. I have never met anyone that has done that, that I know of. I know many more stories of broken households, on the other hand.

i feel like I overstepped a line by giving unwanted advice the last time I responded to your post. But just wondering, have you ever considered an open relationship? It is a surprisingly easy solution for many couples who are stuck in sexual imbalances. Easy in the sense that it only requires a paradigm shift, an acceptance of love-related jealousy and possession as learned concepts that can be unlearned. Of course requires lots of research, thought, even therapy, and it has to be accepted by everyone involved. And it only makes sense if you still love your partner fully, despite sexual imbalances (or plenty of other reasons), and don’t want to leave them. Opening a relationship because one doesn’t love one’s partner anymore, on the other hand, is a recipe for disaster.

Just a thought. People don’t speak about open relationships on this forum, but for me it goes hand in hand with an open sexuality. Even if one doesn’t practice it, it is good to be acquainted with it in depth. Just as our received ideas about sexuality are shallow, so are our received ideas about relationships, and though strict monogamy works perfectly for some, it is just one of infinite ways of conceiving a relationship. 

@divine_o

Interesting reply as always. I read regals reply with some fascination too. However,I have to say,his wife really doesn’t sound the open relationship type. The Parisians have always been a little further out there than the rest of the world. I suspect not many people talk about the open stuff,because despite what might be depicted in the porn world,the open stuff is a little bit more few and far between than people imagine. I must admit,some time ago I offered my own wife the chance for a little strange. She declined. In my opinion,she is a confident lover,we’ve had a lot of fun together. But she shut it down quite quickly.

@helghast

Actually Parisians and French are somewhat close minded and traditional when it comes to sex and relationships. They prefer cheating on their partners rather than being open, and they do cheat a lot. But cheating is very unhealthy and immature behavior. I believe that it is a myth that France is a more sexually open country than others, and it is actually much less “advanced” sexually than certain other countries, at least in the heterosexual landscape. It is propagated in part by something that is quite unrelated, or possibly related in the wrong way: acceptance of female nudity in French culture. French media is replete with naked women. You can see breasts on billboards. Sure there are also naked men but it is more rare, especially in advertising. This exploitation of the female body for advertising and media (because yes, sex does sell), is in turn one of the (many) contributing factors to the French macho culture. Macho culture, in which one sex is repressed, leads to major sex and relationship imbalances, double standards and other negative consequences.

Also the world view of French sexuality stems in part from archaic media.  Women are seen as putting out because prostitution and burlesque clubs proliferated in France 100 years ago, but these things have no bearing on balanced healthy sexuality and relationships—quite the opposite, rather. They teach sexual submission and sex as a commodity to be bought. And then there is Pepe the pew, the skunk who hits on everyone. I know many Frenchmen who are just like Pepe, but hitting on people isn’t romantic at all, and a one night stand is a far cry from a well constructed relationship with fulfilled sexuality and trust and love and what have you...

So yeah, as an American in France, I don’t believe France is all that advanced, but when you watch a French movie or look at French advertising, you might think it is.

A lot of the good (in my opinion) literature about sex and relationships comes from the states, and I would argue that while there are swaths of the states that are ultra conservative with respects to sex and relationships, certain places are more liberal than anywhere else.

@divine_o

Very interesting analogy! 

As an American living in France,  you are well positioned to see the differences between the two cultures.  To many, France is as much a mystery as it is different.  Where else would we see bare breasts on a billboard? 

@divine_o

Opening up the relationship  would require different personalities than ours. It would take open and confident people with a very serious ethic about what is and is not to be. My wife would never be up for it under religious grounds, and if that were not an issue, she still couldn't handle it. She is a jealous type, but I don't understand why, since she's not really ever been interested in a loving and physical bond.  To be honest, I'm not really up for an open relationship either. I could enjoy warm company as much as anyone,  but I desire more of a connection. I've thought about it a some, and I don't think I could easily separate sexual acts and intimacy from love. I don't know what it would be like after this many years...would I fall in love? Might be hard not to. I have seen open relationships crash too, and it is not uncommon to hear of someone breaking the rules and injuring the relationship.  

The stakes are high here, and I realize it may never improve...it seems there are pieces missing from the puzzle. The one thing I know is I could never be comfortable with a situation where my family was not whole, if that makes sense. I've know a lot of divorced friends and coworkers who have told unbelievable stories about things that happened to their kids after the breakup...and family court is just not a cool place for free people to be hanging around. 

You're not out of place for suggesting anything, it's an open forum, an interesting forum at that, where at least here in this space, I consider you all to be friends. I really should be doing a blog about this. It has been cathartic writing about it.

I've not given up yet, and I am still taking steps to try to reach her, but history is predictive. Maybe I'll have better news after the holidays...thanks to covid19, our exposure to crazy will be limited to our own household this year. 

@regal13 I consider you all to be friends. 

Posted by: @regal13

She is a jealous type, but I don't understand why, since she's not really ever been interested in a loving and physical bond

Yes, this is something that is hard for me to comprehend, but it's a thing: that even asexual people can be jealous. Love is often, after all, based on attention.  The asexuality end of the spectrum is a mystery to me.

Posted by: @regal13

I've thought about it a some, and I don't think I could easily separate sexual acts and intimacy from love. I don't know what it would be like after this many years...would I fall in love?

Yeah, I guess it isn't a good idea. I forgot that it is very important to have strong enough love in your "primary relation" to not just up and move to where pastures are greener, i.e. where love is. And if you seek sex in connection with love, then that is what you will find once you start looking.

Posted by: @regal13

our exposure to crazy will be limited to our own household this year. 

this.

Well, maybe she'll throw back one too many drinks and decide to give sex another chance this holiday season. And if not, you at least have a very open sexuality, seeing as you are here-- probably even more open and thought out than the majority of men who have regular sex.  So that is awesome. 

@regal13 I want to ask,have you thought about displaying a little more dominant behaviour with your wife? Like telling her what you expect from your wife? For the longest time,women in general have liked the the man to lead or take charge. I wonder is that a strategy that could be employed. Or perhaps just rolling over at night and maybe trying to push on past initial protests,be a little more demanding? Perhaps you could make things happen. 

Posted by: @helghast

@regal13 I want to ask,have you thought about displaying a little more dominant behaviour with your wife? Like telling her what you expect from your wife? For the longest time,women in general have liked the the man to lead or take charge. I wonder is that a strategy that could be employed. Or perhaps just rolling over at night and maybe trying to push on past initial protests,be a little more demanding? Perhaps you could make things happen. 

 

This.  

For one thing, it may well turn her on a lot more than you might imagine.  Many women are like this; my wife is.  It might turn out that your wife is right now somewhere "sighing" about how she wishes - even desperately yearns for - you to take her and have your way with her.  

For another, if you were even to engage in light bondage - holding her down, etc. - it gives her permission to enjoy lust, to let go without the shadow of guilt.  

I don't think it's just social conditioning, I think many women are just wired this way.  Which may well also explain why so many women fantasize about rape and/or gangbang situations - where they are NOT in control.  

Of course, it's just a fantasy; but in the context of a marriage, some of those dynamics can be "enacted," even if she's only barely aware of those dynamics at play in your bed (don't be surprised if she's barely aware....)  

@butters absolutely mate. Whilst my wife is confident and doesn’t have issues as far as I know.She has always preferred me to lead. The forced/coercion thing is real. She’s had me do it,where she really did do everything she could to prevent it,and I have to use my physical superiority to get it done lol. It’s harder than people think lol I was pooped hahaha But she enjoyed it very much,of course one must know what’s acceptable within ones relationship. Less extreme versions are maybe after an argument,I’ll try my luck and be told to get stuffed,I just laugh,disregard her feelings on purpose and tell her she’s having it anyways. She’s never actually said she likes that,buuuuut I can tell during lol I don’t know,I just thought he should tell her to get her kit off some night,that’s she’s having it and that’s that. Clearly with a few drinks,she has no issues so a case of smashing a wall down instead of waiting for it to fall by itself.

@helghast I don’t think anyone should ever push past initial protests. No always means no unless it is in the context of a pre-conceived game (hopefully that is well discussed and includes safewords). The idea that women feign protest and then give in and have a good time is simply not true, even though media has depicted it for ages (media written by... men). Marital rape exists, and often in very subtle ways. I am not accusing anyone here of this. I just strongly disagree with some of the sweeping generalizations above. 

@divine_o wow! Take a breath dad,no ones talking about raping anyone. Just about a man taking some action and not sitting on his hands..The wife’s had kids,had great sex with a few drinks in her. So there’s nothing physically wrong with her. He doesn’t have to put up with that,and if he isn’t going to leave,then pro action is about the only thing left. 
@Regal13 Stop accepting  ‘love me anyway’,tell her you intend to,’it’s dirty’,tell her you hope so,’the kids might hear’ tell her she best be quiet the . Find an answer for whatever excuses are being made. If you don’t force a change here,it isn’t going to change ever. Sit her down,tell her it’s got to change. Don’t want to leave? Maybe suggest you move in the spare room and then she can have the separate life she appears to want,she doesn’t want that? Ask what she’s gonna do about it.. You guys are just in a rut,if you want out,you gotta dig your way out. Good luck to you mate.

Posted by: @divine_o

@helghast I don’t think anyone should ever push past initial protests. No always means no unless it is in the context of a pre-conceived game (hopefully that is well discussed and includes safewords). The idea that women feign protest and then give in and have a good time is simply not true, even though media has depicted it for ages (media written by... men). Marital rape exists, and often in very subtle ways. I am not accusing anyone here of this. I just strongly disagree with some of the sweeping generalizations above. 

 

Well, not to put too fine a distinction on this, but as far as I know, no one here is advocating actual rape.  So there's that!  🙂  

I know a certain brand of (mostly academic) feminist theory is fond of running fast forward with the above viewpoint; I am sadly very familiar with its bizarre evolutions, and consider much of it to be akin to mental illness gone amuck in our universities.   

Everything is "socially constructed" - of course by evil men, who control the "dominant discourse"; women are invariably the hapless victims in all this.  Many of them will push it so far that any and all sex is rape.  Et cetera.   

In any case, no sane woman actually wants to be raped; and no doubt there is such a thing as marital rape.  Most women, however, love to be dominated and "taken".  Even especially the ones spouting extreme feminist theories.  At least in my (I must say, considerable) experience.

Some "sweeping generalizations" are true, because human nature doesn't really vary as much as we like to think.