Caressing and female re-wiring

Aha! I was going to post this in the "Aneros women" section, but why not break in this stiff unused mattress that is the cue funk music "Couple's Corner."

Why I am writing this:

From the beginning of my journey, I have wondered if the same non-genital multi-orgasmic experience were possible for women.  Female partners and friends alike have asked me if there was a way that they could experience the same sort of pleasure that I and other proud prostate owners on this forum experience.  That is, hands-free genital orgasms, orgasms located elsewhere on the body (e.g. nipples, mouth, knees), full body orgasms, spiritual orgasms, etc.  For a while my answer was rather vague, because while I was sure it was possible for anyone and everyone to reach these heights, I couldn’t figure out a good way to help women get there.

There are methods that exist already: methods based in tantra, KSMO, and others that I don’t know about.  But since I am not a practitioner of these methods—mainly because I started using aneros products first, and haven’t felt the need to explore elsewhere—I can’t honestly recommend them to other people.  Also the spiritual vibe of tantrism is a turn-off for me and plenty of other people, and KSMO is too expensive to recommend to people and expect them to buy it (it is 222 euros at the time of writing, and everyone I told about it said it was too expensive for them).  I have seen various orgasmic workshops as well, but it takes a certain type of person to be comfortable enough with their sexuality around others to go to a sex workshop.  So the question of how someone without a prostate could easily access some of these higher realms of pleasure still remained.

In the end, possible answers came through my experience with my current partner.  Over the course of a year and a half now, we have had lots of creative intimacy, without any goal in particular other than to take turns making one another feel good.  I didn’t expect for her to one day start having orgasms solely from the touch of my hands and lips on her skin, with no genital contact, but it was the natural continuation of our increasingly powerful shared sensuality.  Now she is rewired in her own special way.  I will talk about what she has discovered and how she discovered it below.

Of course this is a “case study”, because she is the only person I have been with long enough since my own rewiring to make this much progress.  I would love to have the possibility of this much intimacy with many women, but paradoxically the more I discover about my own sexuality, the less interested I am in having sexual relationships with women other than my partner (though we are in an open relationship).  And I don’t see myself leaving my partner anytime soon because we get along great, both in and out of the bedroom.  So all I can do is lay out our experience for all to see, and hope that it inspires other couples or individuals to try some of these things out.

About me:

I am in my mid-thirties and have been sexually active since the age of 14.  I have always been a big fan of caressing, and have had many partners with whom I have spent hours in bed just touching and being touched.  There were aspects of my sexuality that were typically hetero-male when I was younger.  For instance, often a sexual encounter included penetrative sex and ended in ejaculation.  But as a grew older I got more and more into a variety of non-penetrative sexual acts, often based around caressing and licking, but also light masochism and role play.  Around the time I started using Aneros toys, two and a half years ago, my favorite things in bed with a partner were having my balls played with as well as having my neck and flank sucked and bitten.

In my late twenties and early thirties, I had relationships with multiple women who told me the same thing: that sexual intimacy with me was nothing like sexual intimacy with other men, because it was inventive and diverse, and because it wasn’t focused on PIV penetration.  This isn’t to brag.  I also met plenty of women with whom it absolutely didn’t work, who wanted to just be penetrated, who had zero interest in searching for sensations outside of the heterosexual idiom.  So be it, you can’t please everyone, and we are all freaks in our own ways in bed.  With women who did share my exploratory and sensual view of sexuality, we spent hours at a time in bed, exploring all parts of each others bodies in myriad ways. 

One thing that I noticed again and again was that the more we caressed each other, the more intense subsequent caressing became.  Essentially we were rewiring our skin.  One woman told me that every time I caressed her, it felt more intense than the previous time.  Other women didn’t say so explicitly, but it was clear to me that this was the case, seeing as the same types of caresses would provoke more and more moans and eye rolls over time.  I myself began rewiring my skin in my teenage years.  I had gotten to the point where I would have minutes long orgasms through being kissed and caressed all over my body, though with my narrow definition of orgasms, I didn’t recognize them as such at the time, because I didn’t think that an orgasm was anything but ejaculation for men (I would be screaming and writhing, curling my toes, tensing muscles, feeling hot all over, drooling, sometimes crying…).  The big revolution in my life came with Aneros.  After about a year of using it mainly alone and learning how to have everything from prostate orgasms to skin orgasms to mental orgasms, I met my current partner.

About her:

When she was a teenager, she was capable of having a sort of hands free orgasm through placing her hand between her leg and clenching her thighs together, and she has continued doing this up until now.  Several uninteresting sexual relationships with men starting in her twenties led her to believe she didn’t care for sex, and so she abstained from intimate relationships for a almost 10 years starting at age 30.  During this time she discovered sex toys.  When she started seeing men again in her late thirties, she enjoyed penetrative sex, but was slightly frustrated by the monotony of her sexual encounters.  It bothered her that sexual encounters seemed to always follow a similar schema (kissing, licking, sucking, fucking, her cumming, and to finish, male ejaculation).

When I met her, her sexual drive was high, and her orgasmic capacity was very high.  She enjoyed toys, was capable of having multiple orgasms (including clitoral, g-spot, vaginal, anal, squirting), and she enjoyed vaginal and anal sex.   She masturbated a couple times a week with a toy.  She was very sensual and cuddly, and very much present in bed and aware of sensations.  She had no problem letting go vocally.

Our intimacy:

Our intimacy is based on caressing.  Caressing with fingers, hands, arms, lips, teeth, hair, and even objects.  Sometimes it is pure caressing, and sometimes it is mixed in with other acts.  For example, if I am having penetrative sex with her, I am likely touching her somewhere else on her body, with one or two hands or my lips or my hair.  If she is fingering me, her other hand will be touching me elsewhere.  Same for when we kiss, for when we cuddle, for when we go down each other: there are always caressing hands.  There are entire evenings where we decide not to have penetrative sex, and instead take turns caressing each other with our fingers, paint brushes, hairbrushes, feathers, ice cubes, and other objects.

When I say we caress each other, I mean a certain type of caressing.  Each caress has intention, and it never digresses into mechanical or repetitive movements.  Intention means touching with a precise amount of force, with a precise part of the fingertips or palm or other part of the body, in a precise location from one precise point to another.  The nature of our caresses is very often light.  To give an idea of how light they can be, I have been named by multiple partners independently of one another “feather fingers,” and I appreciate when my partner uses feather fingers on me.  The rhythm is often slow, but since the element of surprise is such an exciting thing in bed (as it can be in any emotion-provoking art form), there are no rules.  Sometimes fingers flit from head to toe in a couple seconds, or an arm is swept across a back.  Another thing that gives a caress intention is that the caresser is also fully aware of the sensation that the caressee’s skin provokes.  So if I am caressing her skin with my fingertips, she is simultaneously caressing my fingertips with her skin.  Caresses can of course also become heavier.  We also nibble, bite, chew, suck, nuzzle, press, scratch, pinch, pull, massage, squeeze, etc. when the moment calls for it.

This caressing has led to discoveries of new erogenous zones for her and an intensifying of my erogenous zones.  For a couple years now I have considered my entire body to be an erogenous zone, and she would pretty much agree for her body nowadays.  However, there are certain hotspots that take our breath away respectively.  For her it is her feet and legs, inner thighs, butt cheeks and flanks.  For me it my feet and legs, balls and surrounding inner thighs, nipples, chest and neck.

We vocalize without fear of being judged by one another (though we muffle with pillows for the neighbors).  Vocalization can be moans, but also gargles, screams, and other sounds befitting to horror films.  Vocalizing allows us to let go, it builds arousal, and it tells the other person what feels good or not. Occasionally we tell each other exactly what we want.  We use loving words copiously and creatively, and sometimes take on dominant or submissive roles through our language.  We count down to orgasms sometimes, or command each other to cum.  In the beginning this required being on the edge of orgasm already, but through practice these hypnotic commands have by themselves begun to provoke pavlovian orgasmic reactions in each of us.

I lick her pussy frequently, and though she almost never sucks my dick (I am not so interested by this), she plays with and licks my balls often.  We do have lots of penis in vagina and anal penetrative sex in both directions, and it is as varied as our caresses.  It is frequently slow and exploratory, sometimes deep, sometimes shallow, often rubbing the walls, sometimes with a toy in my butt, sometimes with a toy on her clit.  But one of the things that makes these acts extra special is the simultaneous use of intentional touch: caressing hands, pinching fingers, fluttering lips, body against body, intertwining legs, arms pulling each other tight…

Her re-wiring:

As I mentioned before, when I met her she had a very healthy relationship with and understanding of her orgasms.  She was capable of having multiple orgasms for minutes at a time, during sex or while masturbating, with or without toys.  She didn’t really have an upper limit of how many orgasms she could have.  And like I said, she could clench her vagina and her thighs together to create good sensations or even orgasms, as we men do during a-less (stimulation of the prostate without a toy through pc muscle contractions).  So in a sense, when I met her she was already capable of certain things which many on this forum strive towards.

As had happened with other partners, the more we caressed each other, the more intense the caresses became.  She started telling me about sensations that I was already familiar with from my own rewiring.  That she felt pleasure in zones radiating out from her vagina, as if her vagina were growing in surface area.  That when I touched her somewhere on her body—say, her knee—while having sex with her, it created a connection between her knee and her vagina.  And she started talking about varying qualities of her orgasms.  That is, not as better or worse, just different.  Shorter, longer, sharp, deep, localized, spread out, etc… She also got to see what it looked like for me have prostate orgasms and other orgasms from stimulation of various parts of my body.

One evening this fall in an isolated house far away from neighbors, I was caressing her from head to toe, when I started focusing on her feet.  As usual, the caresses were provoking intense sensations, as was evident from her moaning, writhing and goose bump bespeckled skin.  By following the cues of her moaning and movements (as we usually do when caressing each other), I found myself licking between her toes while caressing her flank with one hand.  And to both of our surprise, with no prior vaginal stimulation, she started having orgasm after orgasm.

This is something we have repeated many times since, but with no fixed method.  That is, sometimes it happens when I caress her feet, sometimes when I caress her flank, sometimes when I squeeze her butt, sometimes when I kiss her lower back.  Sometimes I will be licking her pussy, and after a few orgasms I will move my mouth around her body and she will continue to cum over and over, as if I were still licking her clit.  Sometimes we just cum next to each other, lightly caressing one another or holding each other tight and clenching in our own ways.  During penetrative sex, all of these erotic caresses have become triggers for orgasms.  A simple hand placed on her side, a kiss on her shoulder, a mouth on her toes… all of these things, or even the intention of these things—for example, just saying “I am going to suck your toes,” or just hovering my hand over her side—can send her over the edge, and me with her.

The way she describes it is that connections are made between different zones that are stimulated.  Like I said, before it would be between her foot and her vagina, or her neck and her vagina.  Now it can be between two or more parts of her body, without her genitals involved.  For example, she might feel a connection between her flank and her inner thigh, or having her feet gently tickled will send jolts of electricity up her spine.  To me this seems very similar to sensations I have felt and others on this forum have described.  This is why I would call this re-wiring.  She has learned how to have wild orgasms in atypical ways.  So far she has not been able to caress her body to orgasm alone, because when she tries, it just relaxes her.  But she says that she hasn’t truly tried, as we live together and she doesn’t feel the need to explore alone right now.

What I recommend to anyone interested in these types of extra-genital pleasure:

Whether alone or with a partner, spend time caressing yourselves and each other with intention, as I described above.  Before masturbating or sex, or in place of masturbating or sex, take the time to caress yourself or your partner delicately from head to toe.  See how lightly you can touch.  Discover different ways to caress.  Be a painter, a composer, a dancer, and constantly create with your fingers and lips.  With a partner this means also using the element of surprise and even humor.  Be present and focus on the sensations, both the caresser and the caressed.  Do this without expectations, and see where the sensations take you.  Maybe you won’t feel very much in the beginning.  See if from session to session you notice an increase in sensitivity.  Maybe you will just become more sensitive over time.  Maybe it will revolutionize your sexuality…

Caress during oral sex and penetrative sex.  Create connections between the sensations of hot sex and those of caressing hands and lips.  This may teach you to associate caressing with orgasmic feeling.  Caress with your words.  Tell your partner how sexy they make you feel, how much you love them, how much this and that, as long as it is honest.  If you are alone, tell yourself or an imaginary partner these things.  This will create connections between your orgasmic feeling and your words.  Count down to orgasm together or alone.  Create pavlovian responses, orgasmic triggers, by associating certain words or caresses with orgasms.

I don’t claim to have a solution to orgasmic bliss for people of any gender.  I do, however, think that the type of caressing I have described can enhance anyone’s sexuality, and can even be used as a form of sensual meditation.  Much of what I describe above can neatly fall into the most vanilla of sexualities, so it can be a healthy alternative for men who are frustrated with their partner’s disinterest in their prostate journeys, and who want to steer their relationship away from a penile-centric sexuality.

I hope this all might be of use to people.  I wouldn’t be where I am myself and with my partner today without out the help of people’s ideas and stories on this forum.  So this is my contribution back to the community.  Happy caressing!