I've been thinking about how I came out as gay at 32 years old recently. I noticed in chat how straight people don't understand what an earth shaking event it is to initially acknowledge yourself as gay. Some people come out early and some later but is it always a big change in how we think of ourselves. I cam out after 32 years of being afraid of that side of me that is sexually and emotionally attrracted to other men. And it IS an emotional attachment as well as sexual. That's a lot of fear. What made it possible for me to come out was a gradual bonding with people I trusted, who respected me and wanted the best for me. I was at a weekend workshop in the country with the peer counseling group I belonged to then. The purpose of the group was to exchange roles listening to the other one and eliciting emotions that may be blocking our developement. Anyway I was sitting under a tree with a young man holdiong hands (this is how we counselled each other) and taking turns telling our deepest secrets. At some point when I was getting his attention, I noticed how good I felt with him, safe enough to feel attracted and NOTICE that I was attracted. I did not tell even him but I thought to myself "this means I'm gay". I had not thought this (that I am gay) in years, since I was a teen, and had immediately shut that thought out of my mind for decades. I was not ready to look at that side of myself. I had been living a sexless life, nominally heterosexual, dating off and on since. I took this thought to an older woman friend in this group and asked her to listen to me. She was the first one that I told. She held me for more than an hour while I shook mostly and cried, trying to process this. I felt like I had died. I felt horrible. I understood why some guys killed themselves rather than face this. It's a new identity that I was handed and I could choose to accept the new identity or continue to live a lie. Some choice! And I had an ideal setting for coming out too!
It took me many months to get over the feeling of having died. I doubt that all gays feel this way but many must. I had a lot to learn. I didn't know anything except that men attracted me sexually and emotionally and women didn't. I confess that I've always felt a little repelled by the thought of sex with women but thought it was normal. What did I know? I had to change my self image, WHO I thought I was, even as I didn't know or trust my old self. I had to learn how to relate to men and women differently, as a sexual man for the first time in my life. I had to learn about love and falling in love. I had to find gay friends. I found that I already had gay friends but didn't know they were gay. I had to learn how to come out to my friends and family, my employer and neighbors, and whether that made sense. I had to learn to protect myself as best I could (which is not much). I didn't know where to start.
Fortunately a young straight man at school took me under his wings. We were friends already so I mentioned that I am gay. He's black so knew about discrimination and had a lot of gay friends. Then my first lover introduced me to a lot of people and love making. He was perfect for me. My friends turned out to be very gay friendly or gay/bisexual so we had a good time. I lost a few friends when I came out to them which hurt. But the friends who remained were solid friendships.
Mr point in relaying all this is to say it takes a lot of safety, trust, and time to come out. It can't be done FOR you because it may be experienced as an assault on one's identity and a crisis. This may not happen but I don't want to take the risk with another man's life. I chat privately with many men who question their sexual identity after learning the pleasures of anal play, ALWAYS in private and ALWAYS let them figure things out for themselves. It takes time to build trust with someone enough to look at these things so I don't rush them or give them easy answers. Mostly I just ask questions which make them think. It's okay if they don't know the answer. This is THEIR life, something NOT to be taken casually and discussed in public unless they give me permission. I make a distinction between having sexually attractions to same gender people and identifying as gay or bisexual, two separate things. this is NOT something many straight people will have had to go through. I don't think so anyway having identified as straight for 32 years.
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Coming out
Posted on March 28th, 2014. Session Length: Models Used:
11 Comments
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Anonymous
I am so HAPPY FOR YOU!
LIVE MY FRIEND, LIVE AND BE FREE,
BE FREE TO BE THE YOU YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your story, euph. Beautiful account of a difficult, yet ultimately strengthening time in your life. Glad to count you as a friend.
brine
Anonymous
I am glad you've written this account of your own awakening. I am certain there are numerous men who are still in the process of coming to terms with their sexuality and their gender preferences. I think it is a unique quality of the Aneros journey to open a man's mind to exam these deep seated thoughts about their core beliefs, desires and urges. I think you can be guiding light to those who are willing to ask for assistance as they sort through these feelings to find themselves. I appreciate your presence here on the Forum and look forward to your continued participation here.
rumel
Anonymous
I like your entry!!! It is tremendous. I applaud you for sharing your story with us and I love the point you have in the end. As a younger user of a prostate massager I knew beforehand that the idea of putting something up your anus may be considered a homosexual act to others. I personally didn't seek it because I wanted a dick inside me )I would've got a dildo instead(, but I wanted to experience the pleasure that I've heard about from online stories and podcasts. For everyone, establishing their sexuality is a coming of age moment. Most people decide around their teens or 20s that the opposite gender is for them and that turns them on. That's great. For me though, I like to explore and am open to new experiences )as long as it doesn't get me killed or anything like that(. Girls and boys are naturally made for each other for procreation. I am going to be greedy and test both if I can. Realistically, one can't possibly be more sexually erotic than the other…that's subjective.
Anonymous
Thanks for sharing and being in a place that you could share. I hope that it gives other hetero men like myself a better understanding of how central to a person's identity coming out can be and the obstacles that go along with it. I'm glad you had the group and the friends around you when you needed them.
May you continue to grow in the understanding of who you are.
Anonymous
I first like to applaud you. Many men don't come to this realization til its to late. As a gay man myself I do know how it feels to lose someone you trusted or respected then lose them to just a simple statement saying, "I'm Gay". I actually came out very young and my parents accepted me and girls luv me. I have some male friends but others tend to shy away which is a whole nother subject. )DL men( Also as a black male I know the risks of being out. But it's good that your able to be your authentic self now.
Anonymous
Congratulations euphemistic! I commend you for your courage, of being true to yourself.
Anonymous
Thanks, that was a great post!
I find your experience and your point very helpful so as to help explore one's self identification. This is really told "from the inside"… which helps me relate and compare. This is precious.
I find also it good to remind ourselves this is nothing simple… Contrarily to what I )we( would like to think, nothing's really trivial.
Like for exemple how it took me so much time to be at ease with having real friends that are gay. All the while I didn't mind hanging around with gays. How stupid and intolerant that migh be? Yet again, and despite my values, it's true.
In many areas )not only sexuality(, there is a huge gap between not being judgmental and being at ease, be it for others or for oneself. And it probably starts with that: being at ease with oneself –your own identity, your own complexity, your beliefs, your personnal desires, your personnal likes and dislikes– it is all part of what you are and have to embody in the most simple way. Then being at ease with others might sometimes mean working your way in )without insecurities to start with, but sure putting you in some strange places sometimes( and sometimes mean not mingling )because knowing yourself you know it wouldn't work(.
Great post once again Euph, very thought provoking.
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing! I am mostly hetero and identify as such, though occasionally attracted to another guy. The honesty and openness of yourself and others on the Aneros site has helped me to understand better, and appreciate what it means to be walking the "other side of the street".
Anonymous
Hi euph,
Having just re-read this, I appreciate your sharing, and the courage it takes to share now and especially then. After chatting with you and others, and using Aneros for 5 months plus, I am coming to believe that how one identifies sexually is just a label. What is important, IMHO, is seeking true sexual and emotional fulfillment in a way that respects others and helps them to be fulfilled as well. It is clear to me that you are doing that, not only from the last part of your posting, but also from my personal experience chatting with you over the last several months. Thanks for being my online friend.
Best, questOr
Anonymous
Questor, "What is important, IMHO, is seeking true sexual and emotional fulfillment in a way that respects others and helps them to be fulfilled as well."
Exactly. There's so many varieties of sexual experiences, expression and identies in the world )gay, straight, bi, trans, virgin, asexual, etc( that ALL need to be respected and can teach us something.