• Another HFWO – my enemy can't leave me

    Well my sessions don’t improve, and worse than that it’s so incredibly rare to have a good session. And when things are interesting 95% of the time I end up having a HFWO.
    In fact I feel this is related to my premature ejaculation. And that’s like 90% of my depressed mood, it’s just so frustrating and aneros ends up being just another colateral damage.
    This affects me so much I’m gonna post another message here I wrote in another forum, as I’m getting really desperate as I feel no way out of this nightmare:
    “Well, where to start.
    I’m 30 and I have always had premature ejaculation.
    I’m 1,73 m high (5ft 8in) and 100 kg (220 lb).
    When I was a teen I didn’t care much about it because my mindset was “when I grow older this will improve”.
    So time went on and on and on… and nothing changed.
    In the last 5/10 years I’m been burning inside with all this, I’ve sought plenty of help (including professional) but nothing ever helped.
    I’m reaching that point where I’m starting to get desperate.
    I feel so hurt inside, and it is getting worse.
    So details.
    Like I said this always happened, but I didn’t care much of it when I was a teen.
    I’ve always been a very introvert, calm, person, and another (un)related thing is that I’ve never loved anyone.
    Yes, I’ve never felt any kind of crush or anything of that. It’s totally alien to me.
    I didn’t care of it when I was younger but now it’s another thing that is hurting me.
    When I mean I have PE, I mean that if I have stimulation in my penis I end up ejaculating in a matter of seconds if I don’t stop.
    In a “good” day this goes up only to 10 seconds or so. If I stop stimulation it doesn’t matter much, it’s always seconds away.
    I can’t stop stimulation and suddenly “gain” some time back, ejaculation is always seconds away.
    Pressure on my penis of any kind, even subtle, will push me to ejaculation.
    This includes condoms, putting a condom for me it’s a fight to not ejaculate, and if I get any meaningful arousal I can’t prevent the feeling to build up to orgasm just from the pressure it exerts (and it’s not a super tight condom effect).
    My first sexual experience with someone was with a (male) friend of mine when I was like 14 or so.
    It was just masturbation and some oral sex, and I ended up ejaculating fast anyway, much different from him.
    I’ve been more attracted to men, but only sexually, like I said I never “liked” anyone, and I also was never “attracted” to bodies or so, just sexual organs in itself.
    I’ve been curious to be with women but my sexual problems and lack of any kind of emotional or not-sex-in-itself attraction I’ve always avoided it.
    When I was 21 or so I decided to get some internet contacts and meet with someone.
    I’ve always been very shy so I’ve always warned anyone I had sex with of my PE, people have always been fine with it, I never felt any outward pressure or so to “perform”. It’s an internal unsatisfaction of mine. I feel really unhappy about it, so hurt I’ve been thinking of it all the time.
    So I had some meetings and the PE always happened.
    This isn’t related to masturbation, penetrative sex, or any stimulation, it always happens in the magnitude I presented. Of course stuff like penetration make me ejaculate much faster. Like 5 seconds or so IF I didn’t ejaculate while putting the condom or trying to penetrate. It’s that fast.
    I’ve always been “sad” person, somewhat devoid of joy. I don’t know exactly why, when I was younger I didn’t have any major objective unhapinness, now I do about my sexual and emotional future, but not back then. Anyway the PE was always constant and always similar.
    When I was about 23 or so I decided to find a psychiatrist and/or psychologist, about my “mood” in general.
    This also happened after I started having panic attacks out of anywhere. I was stuck in this panic attack stage for a year or so, I felt really terrible in this phase.
    The meds I took really didn’t help. In fact when I stopped them I felt really nothing, no withdrawal symptom of any kind.
    At this time my sexual performance was already a major part of my depressed mood. Like I said I kinda had it before, it just got worse, the problem didn’t go away as I thought it would and now I was getting worried it wouldn’t have a solution.
    Despite the panic attack phase phased out (it was never solved 100%, I still feel some reactions to it), I continued with psychologists and psychiatrists.
    I changed the doctors some times as after a 1-2 years with each nothing really changed.
    In this time I tried several drugs for depression and anxiety, none ever working well.
    They also gave me meds that sort of should have had any effect in PE like clomipramine, and I even got dapoxetine (Prilligy, both 30 mg and 60 mg pills), as I’ve talked to them about this.
    It doesn’t work. Prilligy actually makes me somewhat heavy-headed and tired, it does have a tiny effect, but useless and it gives me more 5 seconds or so. Completely meaningless and with all the complications it brings.
    I’ve tried too in this period some penis desensitivers, some stronger than others, but also unsucessfully.
    Some make my penis really numb which actually makes it difficult to have an erection. If I get a full erection then regardless of the stimulation it doesn’t keep the orgasm at bay for long.
    I think I may have some kind of arousal problem because I can’t get hard without stimulation. If I stop the stimulation I lose the erection too in a matter of seconds.
    Trying to recover the erection is always a fight as even semi-hard the orgasm is right around the corner.
    I’ve tried viagra, levitra, cialis and spedra BTW.
    They give me hard boners but can’t do nothing for PE of course.
    I’ve always had low sexual desire so I’m not sure that can also be linked to the lack of “natural” sexual erections (I get hard normally at night).
    Eventually my psychologist got me a sexologist (sexual psychologist) and got me checked for testosterone and other sexual hormones.
    Everything was fine.
    The few sessions I had with the sexologist were some of the most frustrating experiences I’ve had.
    I had great expectations that something would improve, but it was all a huge disappointment and hurt me deeply.
    It was basically talk about many things I’ve read for years and that I’ve tried before to no avail.
    This includes several techniques like stop and go (5 seconds stop and go it’s just a stop really, no go at all) and gland squeezing (am I squeezing my gland every 5 seconds? lol also I sort of lose a bit of erection from this without sending the orgasm further away).
    Also the whole “trust in the partner” thing that honestly for me is bullshit because this happens and always happened to me alone and with someone my response is exactly the same – I also always find partners that are 100% ok with it.
    I remember walking away home every time SO frustrated each time.
    I only like 4 sessions until she told me she had no way to help me.
    Last year of so finally I managed to convince my (general) doctor to send me to an urologist.
    Another huge disappointment.
    He basically asked me if I used prilligy and co and ordered to do more blood checks.
    I actually had testosterone and LSH I think below the normal levels.
    So I went to an endocrinologist but further blood check and even a pituitary MRI and everything was fine, so she also discharged me saying she couldn’t do anything as for her speciality everything was ok.
    I talk about this all the time to my psychiatrist and psychologist, I think it is the main catalyst for my depressed state in the last years, and it is getting worse every year as I see no end for it, only solution being crossed out.
    It’s frustrating because no one seems to be really interested in solving this. I mean, I believe they are, but it is not working at all.
    I’ve been without psychiatrist meds for 6 months now, and like years ago, I feel exactly the same without them. It’s like they weren’t working at all. My doctor agreed to see how would I cope without them.
    I don’t know what the problem is.
    I know most PE problems are mental, but in my case I don’t believe it’s all of that.
    I say this because this always happened to me, from teen to now, it doesn’t matter if I’m alone masturbating or if I am nervous with someone, in fact my PE is very stable in how it behaves.
    So what could it be? Is my penis too sensitive, do I have some trigger happy nerves in my spine? I don’t know, and no one seems to know or care much about it.
    I’ve had 0 “physical” checks, only blood ones.
    If the problem is psychological, then like I said to my psychologist, it won’t be solved, because there’s no way this will magically disappear when it always existed and exists, like clockwork.
    For me this is like having poison being pumped in my heart, it really tears me apart, during the entire day.
    The thought that this will never be solved starts to be permanent now as after all these years not even a slight change has occurred.
    I rarely masturbate now (once every ~2-3 weeks or less) because it actually hurt me as it forces me to think about it even more, I only do it because I really need to.
    I also rarely watch porn because of this.
    Any direct or indirect mention of sex it’s like a knife in my heart, it immediately send me into depressed mode.
    Because of this some years ago I tried to circumvent (unsucessfully) my sexual happiness by involving myself into prostate massage.
    I bought some Aneros which I still use today.
    I like it and although I don’t get very good results it is something I want to continue to use.
    It was however unable to extinguish my frustration with my penis and I realised that I really need to tackle it.
    Interestingly I seem to, sometime, ejaculate hands-free (no penis stimulation at all) from aneros, which is kinda rare but not unheard of.
    I sometimes think it is preventing me from having better results from aneros, but I wonder if my PE is doing its work here.
    I was able with aneros to have some kind of dry orgasms, but if you know about it you know it can be very different from ejaculatory orgasms and I didn’t have any “mindblowing” orgasm with it yet, also it is so rare for me to make it work.
    My progress here is so slow after all these years, below normal (but not unheard of too).
    I even started to think about circumcision now, as I see it as another thing to “try”.
    I don’t want to do it but I feel I may eventually want it as no options will be left.
    I don’t expect it to solve the PE, just help a bit, but like I said I start to get desperate and just find the path with less pain.
    I feel I’ve lost my best sexual year and that I will never get them back.
    What’s worse is that I feel I will never be sexually happy, and with it any happiness at all.
    Sex isn’t everything, there are other ways to please your partner, blah, blah, being able to actually use my penis other than being an ejaculation stick is important to me in a fundamental level, without it I’ll never be available to be there for someone else, this is tearing me apart inside.
    I don’t know how many times I need to desperately say this to everyone, aren’t they (doctors) listening?
    I’ve been seeking professional help like I said and so far it’s just paving a highway to despair. No solution in sight, no improvement, just further despair ahead as all options are being thrown out.
    I feel I’m in an negative spiral and it is getting stronger.
    Any suggestions?
    Sorry for the long post but it isn’t simple to explain something so complex in a few lines.”


    • Avatar for GGringo


      12/04/2017at7:07 pm

      @RSilva after reading your blog entry, I salute you for opening your heart, your soul and divulging your inner most feelings in search of a solution. I’m not sure this forum is the right venue to provide you the relief you desperately seek but my heart goes out to you.
      Although I’m not qualified in suggesting a cause or solution in this matter (nor will I pretend to be) I will tell you a bit about the experiences of one my late friend Jim (not his real name).
      Not unlike you, he also had some pretty deep and mentally challenging issues to deal with and this from a very young age. Right from his first day in school, lot of people recognized his weakness and pounced on him, bullying, insulting him and ridiculing him which compounded his problem. He felt disliked and inferior and thus avoided getting close to anyone in fear of being hurt. He grew up alone with himself, not fitting in anywhere.
      Over time, he had solicited the help of countless professionals and in each occasion, he recounted his story from scratch in order to try and identify the root of it all. The reoccurring process constantly made him revisit every past issues in his life. It only succeeded in resurfacing the bad points and did almost nothing to resolve his issues except to depress him further. There was no bright spot in his days; nothing to look forward to in the next day.
      Over time, he resorted to drugs (some prescribed, some not) and even attempted to drown his sorrows but again, to no avail. Suicide thoughts were not far away in his mind.
      Twenty five agonizing years later, after hitting bottom and tired of the lack of improvement, he woke up one day and decided to absolutely turn the page on the past and he wanted to start from a clean slate on his own. One baby step at a time, he decided to take control of his own life and destiny.
      After a lifetime of feeling inadequate and inferior to most people, he convinced himself he was not worthless and he was not inferior to anybody. He might not be as good at certain things but he felt he was better at other things than some other people. He took everyday as a new day and started appreciating the smallest thing he accomplished with success. For example, he took pride in the job of sweeping the floor at work and he realized he probably did a better job than the night crew; a small victory and it made him feel good. With more of his time recognizing small victories and emphasizing on the positive events in his day, he became more and more self confident. By then, he had dumped every pill, stopped every injection and had stocked his basement bar fridge with cola.
      With enough self esteemed acquired during his transition of self recovery, he also made a major change in his approach to his surrounding. He started not giving a shit about people who disliked him. “F**ck it if you don’t like me”. To him, this was one more negative aspect to eliminate from his daily routine. The reverse emerged from that aspect; he started to be warmer to people who cared for him and this was not planned; it just happened.
      A new Jim emerged and he finally felt he conquered his ghosts. He finally enjoyed life the way it was meant and he took great pride in knowing he did it on his own. He met and dated Nancy, a long time lady friend of mine and they were in a close relationship for several years when he was struck and killed by a drunk driver.
      I only knew the new version of Jim and I had never heard of his horrible past. Nancy only shared details of his story with me after his passing. He was a proud man and we will miss him.
      @RSilva, I’m not quite sure why I sharing this story here but only to wish you a successful road to recovery. I know now that with your and Jim’s stories, I have no business complaining about a headache or a tooth ache here and there.
      Take care and good luck.

    • Avatar for KevinT


      02/01/2018at2:49 pm

      It’s interesting to me in that I haven’t had a HFWO during my journey. I haven’t even gotten an erection. That being said I do leak precum like a faucet, which makes for pretty interesting artwork (wall, sheets, ME, et al) when I start to orgasm and shake uncontrollably! Contrary to our methodology here, I’ve always wanted a wet O, and at least an erection, during a session.

    Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Skip to toolbar