G'day everyone
This is first attempt at blogging so please excuse any Faux pas I might make. I wanted initially to talk about acceptance. Many Aneros users will have encountered difficulty and opposition to acceptance . People feel threatened by sexuality different to theirs. For instance, I have a penchant to shaving my pubic hair and I love to wear sexy underwear. Particularly feline panties or male panties that accommodate the male genitals but of a brief, feminine design. For whatever reason they arouse me sexually.
I have spoken to my wife many times over the years and tried to explain my predictions, but like many wives, she doesn't understand where I am coming from. I have tried to explain that this is an "inward" fetish" that I keep to myself. I do not, and will never force it upon anyone else, won't interfere with children and have no desire to do strange things with animals. )My poor sense of humour(. I have never, and will never approach anyone else with the intent on doing anything that "normal" society would disapprove of. I told her of my sexual interest in wearing "sexy" underwear and panties. I told her that I had these feelings and urges since I was pre-pubescent. She couldn't see that my prediction was anything but perverted. She said I must give it up and that she was not being dragged down to my level. That was in March 2013 when I bucketed out how I felt and what I did to her. She said I had to give it up completely. I replied that I could not, in all honesty give that commitment. I said I would commit to keeping to her insistence for three months, renewable. I.E. until the end of June. I kept my word. She did not ask me to affirm my continuance of my vow but I kept it until the end of January 2014. Two things triggered a return to my previous behaviour. The first was when she accused me of shaving and leaving pubic hair in our en-suite bathroom. The second was, in the same week, I received an email from a supplier I had previously bought from, advertising discounts on sexy panties. Now, I am back in the same old rut. Feelings of having betrayed her. feelings of being some perverted piece of shit, and at the same time,feeling as some hyper-sexual being.
I have always been aware of the erotic feelings attached to my anus. From Pre-school age I have been aware of the wonderful sensations that I felt, lying in bed, lightly, running my fingertips between my legs and over my anus. in my mature years )now 66 years old( I have discovered new delights in my anal region. About 8 years ago and a fit of disclosure to my wife, once again on my pantie fetish )it must have been the 7th or 8th time( and letting go, I started to vocalise, moaning and telling her what I was feeling during climax. She did not accept this well, saying I was perverted and I was heading down into a bottomless pit, an abyss, where my feelings overcame being good. )cannot remember her exact words( Since then she excused herself from any intimacy using the excuse of "ageing" and dryness in women. I tried to offer alternatives and solutions to coital sex including using lubricants, oral sex )which she had refused to do all our married life as it is dirty(. I offered to mutually masturbate, anal sex and anything else that she had erotic thoughts about but had never felt that she could talk to me about. Nothing worked and ewe have not had sex in those eight years. Before that, I was always cuddling and kissing her. Holding her in my arms and pressing my body against her. Her returning response to my touch. The intimate touching of each other. Basically we share a house now, flatmates, sharing nothing but the household chores. I now feel afraid to offer anything but a perfunctory kiss when I leave the house to go out to work or whenever I have to go out.
Since the end of January and the "trigger" that re-started my sexual awareness I have reverted, and fell into the comfort that my previous life offered me.
I have always been attracted to the "naughty, dirty and forbidden" nature of anything anal. In my quest to satiate my desire for sexual satisfaction, surfing the Internet, brought me to anal intercourse and the feelings associated that might be obtained through anal stimulation. Remembering my early years and the excitement I felt stroking myself, I desired to become more knowledgeable about this area. Needless to say, I quickly gathered information and began experimenting with what I had learned.
I began to finger fuck myself and learned the pleasures of prostate stimulation. I was fascinated watching my semi-flaccid cock oozing strings of pre-cum, down to the floor. I revelled in the feeling of my stretched rectum, wandering about the house, after a session of an hour or more, penetrating myself. I bought butt plugs and dildos and experimented with them, fucking myself whenever I could. It was, and is still electrifying to feel that being fucked feeling. I would not masturbate while doing this as I wanted to keep the "sexual electricity" flowing. Eventually, after 2-3 weeks I would feel that other parts of life were being neglected and at this point, I would masturbate to orgasm. I would do this several times, as soon as I had the ability to become erect again, I would masturbate again. This would finally, have the affect that I was not interested in sexual things and my life would resume to my androgynous life with my wife. This would last for a few weeks and then I was off the path again.
Fucking myself with dildos, led me here, to this site where I pursued with fervour the gaining of knowledge of the Aneros prostate massager. I just knew that this device would be an answer to a need, a feeling that I had not been able to aspire to.
People attach labels to actions, behaviours, and sexual predictions. They are usually derogatory when they do not line up with their own beliefs. Until re-discovering anal stimulation, that I was a 100% male, only interested in females with all the hetro-sexual, macho bravado I could manage. Perhaps I was denying to myself what I really felt in my heart. Since re-discovering anal stimulation, I don't know what I am or think I am anymore. It doesn't matter what I am anyway. I would just like to say that I am now able to appreciate the male form as never before. In fact I "lust' for a man. I mostly look at male porn the internet. I imagine what it would be like to suck another man and have intercourse with him. Both giving and receiving. I am desirous of experiencing everything a man could show me.
Meanwhile, my wife is not amused by my pubic shaving and furtive disappearances and the time I spend on the Internet. In the past, she has threatened to expose me to our adult daughters. Qe sera, Qe sera. If it is to be so, so what. In fact I nearly confessed to them both today about my pantie fetish but could not bring myself to do so. Perhaps that will happen in the her future, perhaps not. Anyway, I will end now, as I feel emotionally drained.