Coming clean

From 5/6/09
Ok, this blog entry is based on some personal feedback I exchanged with one of my PM buddies who noticed that my writing style had changed and that I was conspicuously absent from forum, PM and blog discussions. As it is, I am suffering through my moments of Aneros doubt. I did not want to write about it because I pride myself on being an optimistic lighthearted Aneros grinder – willing to joyfully plod through the long Aneros plateaus of non pleasure and no progress just to enjoy the sensations, not loose focus and in the prevail. This is the blog entry I should have written instead of that lame last blog post.
So, in response to a PM about “what’s wrong with you, you don’t seem the same lately, what’s going on are you frustrated” I wrote the following:
Alright you got me pegged. I got nothing else to write. I’ve been writing my “riding off into the Super O sunset” swan song for the forum (in my head) for awhile now. I wrote two or three blog posts before scratching them all in favor of my latest lame blog entry.
I’m just logging the hours before I can tell people to “keep trying for years, look at me, I did, and it’s just so darn worth it”. Blah, blah, blah. I completely understand your previous frustration, and maybe my blog is really just a chronicle of all my futility and blunders. I, however, am more than willing to write the longest blog ever to have never reached a super o!
I’m just getting tired of endless sessions with no different feelings. I’m telling ya, one of the biggest obstacles to the grinder success path is boredom. And I try different stuff. I move around. I take weeks off from use (at least around Christmas and family vacations). And all I really wanna know is where do you go from here? Where do you go when you’re soul is leaching out into the universe through wave after wave of never ending pleasure? But I’m stuck here, in the beginner’s class, still trying to learn my ABC’s. Still trying to make the “dancing girl” turn left.
A couple of you guys are about all that keep me logging into this place – that’s why when I got your PM about KSMO, which I debated to myself internally before going public with the fish oil test, that I logged out of here and got my Visa card out. A lot of guys have gotten to this point and quit – and for almost all of them there is Darwin and Buster and Artform and Rumel and Mayfield and Mog and Pan telling them to go and give KSMO a try. And the poor bastards never do. Not me. I’m going down with my wallet open.
Thanks for letting me vent.
So yes, tomorrow I will have fun. I will do my 20 minutes of deeply resonating KSMO work, most likely feeling nothing at the time, and then stay awake all night in a state of acute prostatic stimulosis.
Another phallic icon to western mans hubris for gratification! (That about covers it for tonight!)
J4