So today is the anniversary of life for a man I should have NEVER let into my life. I'm writing this in hopes that maybe somebody else will read it and learn from my mistakes. Being a woman I have no other perspective to write from, so maybe a peek into the female psyche?
Today is very different than I thought it would be a few months ago. I bought him a birthday gift without him knowing, and it was supposed to be getting dropped off at his house today. Instead I sold it today. He has a love for Corvettes, one day I passed a dealer ship where a bunch of brand new ones were sitting, and i pulled in to the lot. I walked up to one )top of the line every option you can ask for( and it spoke to me, I could see him sitting in it driving it the whole 9. So I bought it. I didnt want to give him a totally stock car, I wanted to personalize it a bit to make it resemble how I saw him more. So I designed a custom color for it and had it painted, did some upgrades to make it an even better car, I even hand pin striped it for him, something I havent done to my cars yet. Even had the interior redone. I dont know I just felt moved to do things in regard to him that I now understand he didnt even deserve. I even asked him one time if he'd ever gotten in the latest model…he said no, and he'd better not hinting that if he did he would be inclined to buy one…little did he know I'd already bought it for him. The idiotic things I do.
5 months ago I met who I thought was a stellar man. He had his flaws, idiosyncrasies, suaveness, intelligence, and a lot of other things that drew me to him. He made me laugh, I am so weak for a man with humor. He revealed some things about himself that at first struck me as…poor thing he is clueless. I mean he always says he's not, but it was and still is obvious that he is about a lot of things in the real world. He allows several relationships in his life to exist that are counter productive to any positive growth he might strive for. Honestly, now that my eyes are open to him, I dont think he is trying to grow at all.
That being said, his situation I am very familiar with, not from his perspective, but from the "other sides" perspective. I figured I could help him, I actually wanted to help him. I couldnt just say what I knew though, I thought he wont take me seriously, he'll just think I'm some ranting raving woman who just thinks she knows everything. So to add a tad bit of credibility I revealed something about myself that I NEVER tell people. The only people who know about my past are people who know through concrete proof, and him. In talking to him his words tend to betray him and his feelings. He may say one thing, but his actions say something else. I sensed him falling into something that could be detrimental. Something that deep within me I felt was going to be detrimental. I dont know why, but I couldnt stand the thought of him being hurt. I knew clearly he already was and probably still is hurting for various reasons. I thought maybe if I could spare him a little more pain that he would realize not all women are out to hurt him. Maybe show him not all women are after him for the wrong reasons.
Now let me say I NEVER wanted a long term relationship with him. Attracted to him yes, friendship yes, happily ever after no. I wasnt trying to make him a project either, I wasnt setting out to "fix" him. Was/Is he broken? Hell yes, but I'm smart enough to know a person has to want to fix themselves, then take steps to do so. I'm also smart enough to know that having some support while doing that can be a big help/comfort. Thats what I wanted to be…or at least what I was offering. If he had have told me up front no I dont want or need that from you, I would have taken it in stride and understood that I did what I could with good intentions, and moved on. No hard feelings, no harm no foul.
Before I knew what hit me while talking with him about his entanglements, some how I felt comfortable with him. I talked with him about a lot of things that nobody else knew about in my life. He listened…or so I thought, that was comforting, at the time. I revealed a lot of my vulnerabilities, a lot of my inner pain. I didnt tell him everything that plagued me but a fair amount. Enough I feel that should have let him know to tread lightly…treat me with at least a modicum of care. No matter what he confided in me I never thought anything negative about him, never felt anything negative towards him. Lots of people would have judged him and called him a horrible insensitive man for some of the things he's done. However, I always tried to see things from his angle as well and understand there is a equal and opposite reaction to every action. He may not have always been right but who is? I didnt condemn him for his wrongs, just tried to give him options to help him not repeat them. Kind of hard though lol he's 30 years older than me and set in his thinking not realizing that the brain is flexible not rigid, he just has to take advantage of that characteristic.
Lots of things he is interested in so am I. We talked about a lot of different topics. I ashamed to admit I really enjoyed talking to him. I loved laughing with him, just being silly for the hell of it. I'm even more ashamed to admit I miss it. Sometimes I see something, or hear something, or think of something and think wow he would like that. I cant do what I used to do and share it with him, we havent talked in almost 2 months. I dont think we ever will again. That honestly makes me deeply sorrowful. I try not to think about it much, but I wont lie, before we got off track when I felt sad he'd cheer me up. Now when I'm sad…I'm just sad, even more so about him not being in my life.
There came a point about 4 months ago when he asked me to meet him. He said he'd let me know or whatever when and where. I never heard from him. He tapered off talking to me. I waited for him, didnt rush him, didnt want to bother him. Just tried to be respectful and trust in his word, trust in what he told me he would do. Long story short he lied, and while lying made sure he took care of his number one priority…ejaculating. Now I am in complete understanding that I lay no claim to his dick, my main problem was I trusted and believed in him and his "honesty". All I ever want is the courtesy of somebody to be honest with me, if he didnt want to do what he offered )hang out for a little while( then so be it but at least I know. At least I'm not sitting wondering if I did or said something to offend or piss him off. Worst thing is he told a host of other people what his plans were without even considering what he'd promised me. All the people he told dont give a rats ass about him. Some of them even talk about him behind his back, yet the person who does care gets the worst treatment. I got lied to by omission.
At first I just chocked it up he's an asshole, screw him. Then after a few days of thinking crazy thoughts I knew I wouldnt feel better until I confronted him about what he did. I told him how I felt, he gave me an excuse )I now know it to be an excuse then I thought it was honesty(. He told me he wanted to just start over, he apologized. I believed him again. See thats where I fucked up. Never believe a liar more than once. When he shows you who he is BELIEVE him. At the time I figured well humans make mistakes. I should have more closely investigated his mistake though, when it came to the possibility of him getting some pussy that got put far and above anything else. Now keep that in mind as we move further.
We continue our "friendship" even getting closer in my estimation. We learn more about each other, talk more, laugh more…I fall more. Somehow he creeps into my dreams, my fantasies even. 2 months ago we decide to spend a day and a half together. Leading up to it I'm excited, I didnt have any expectations, or predictions. When I got there he was waiting for me. I was happy to see him. We talked a bit, I was nervous as hell. We went to dinner, looking back I realize he wasnt talking much. I even remember asking him if he is always that quiet. He gave me some answer….I know now that answer was a lie.
Later that evening after dinner, I remember him kissing me…that lead to other things…which lead to screwing. He called it "making love" yea the fuck right…I knew at that instant he was delusional but i chocked that up to using the wrong vocabulary. In the moment I didnt really care, I'd already cum once, almost a second time while giving him a rim job, and I wanted to get to the good stuff regardless of what false moniker he wanted to give it. I wasnt ready for what I felt next. A little back story the orgasm I already had was clitoral…not emotional at all they never are for me, they are easy to have, they dont give me that I want to bond with you feeling, I dont feel connection with a person though them, they arent full bodied just kind of localized, fun…but they are what they are a quick get one off. Gspot orgasms on the other hand…I'm very careful who I have those with. I know they are emotional for me, they are full bodied, they are deep, profound, earth shattering, spiritual, I feel connected to that person, I want to bond with them more. The reason that is dangerous for me )and most women I think( is because honestly gspot orgasms give that feeling of love, or falling in love. Its a false feeling. Not only that being a straight woman I know all to well that men having penile orgasms…they are like clit orgasms…they exhibit none of the symptoms of falling for a person. Which is why men fuck and leave women where they found them no feelings involved, women fall for that man in a moment of ecstasy and wind up hurt and feeling hollow when he ditches her.
Back to what I felt. Upon insertion after mounting him, the head of his cock stroked past and nestled expertly right against my gspot. I have no clue if he noticed but I almost lost it. Never on the first stroke has that happened, usually it takes a guy a little while and small adjustments to find my spot, not him. I mean I wondered what he would feel like inside me while I was sucking him, the slight curve in his cock had me intrigued. One can fantasize or wonder all day long though, the proof is in the pudding. Well he definitely dipped into my pudding and gave me the proof. After that I honestly wondered if he knew his effect on me, I held off having an orgasm, but there was no way to stop the pleasurable feelings that were building inside of me. I wanted to cum for him, on him, around him…hell I was already dripping wet…but mentally and emotionally I didnt want to lose total control, so I didnt. He came buried inside me his cock pulsing against my gspot, I remember thinking on shit this is going to set me off. Once his cock stopped throbbing inside me, I was going to dismount, but I knew if I did feeling him slide out of me would push me over my orgasmic cliff. I was so close I had to take a minute to come down from that high, I was quivering, it took everything in me to not just let go. I squeezed his cock with my pussy that tension chased the orgasmic feelings away, then I was able move off of him. Later on that night he said he wanted to be inside me again, more of the same his cock caressing me intimately. I hold back not wanting to drown in this man and be hurt when all is said and done.
Without recounting the full blow by blow of the next day with him more screwing, eating food, and tv. I have no idea but there was a moment, a lapse of judgement when I said to him you're going to make me cum or I want to cum for you )cant remember my exact wording(. His response…wait for it…I cant hold off for that. Damn throw cold water on me…I mean I understand sometimes a man can be at the point of no return, but he wasnt at that point. It took a few more minutes before he came, in my asking him to hold off on his impending orgasm for a little while longer )I mean i was close…his statement changed that though( isnt a crime. I let him have his way once again giving him the benefit of the doubt. The last time we fucked I have no clue why or how…but he was inside me stroking me shallowly as I rubbed my clit. I felt an orgasm building to epic proportions and for some reason )stupidity( I moaned go deeper, he buried his dick to the hilt and I came thunderously. Gspot and clit at the same time…first time ever for that with a man. That rarely happens with me solo. He keeps going and I keep cumming non-stop until his cock is spurting inside me again.
Funny how later after my orgasm things seemed a little clearer to me. Moments after orgasms are 20/20? For the rest of the night he didnt say hardly one word to me, didnt look at me, definitely didnt touch me. We parted ways not long after. Then I didnt hear from him. I'd written an email to him while I was with him pouring my heart out telling him how I felt. Not lovey dovey shit, just that I appreciate him and his friendship. I get a two line reply. Thats not like him…the response seemed so canned. He finds out I was tremendously hurt by somebody I care a lot about, and basically just says I'm your friend. Not like him, he usually consoles me. Long story short he is acting weird as hell. I give him space, but I'm watching his actions closely. Finally I ask him if I scared him or did something wrong, he outright says no. However he continues to act VERY distant and VERY unfriendly like.
Its funny how when he found out the truth about a woman he was dealing with I made sure to check in on him. Although I felt she was doing some very underhanded things, and he found out she indeed was, I swallowed my disdain for her and let him know I'm sorry for the pain she caused him and if there was anything I could do I would. I couldnt take any more, finally after lots of deliberation I sent him a note letting him know how I felt. Then he tells me oh I thought what happened to you wasnt true )mind you he said he hated seeing how i felt previous to that and asked me how I was(, and that he is my friend. He then says we'll talk. Then I dont hear from him for a few days. Until I get a message out of the blue. Very short letting me know whats really going on, that he feels we are incompatible.
The first thought that comes to mind is I'm incompatible with you but you fucked me REPEATEDLY. I replayed our time together and so many things stuck out to me. Then my thoughts went to how I've never ever wanted to hurt him. No matter what I may have wanted my intention is to never hurt him. However, it was totally different for him. Although he had inclinations of us not being compatible from the start he continued to fuck me. Even though our incompatibility showed more and more he continued to make sure his dick was taken care of. I guess he figured since there is a warm body next to me might as well take advantage of it, even though she does nothing for me. See I think he forgot he has already told me that sex is his hobby, and getting off can happen with anybody he's not selective any hole will do. Yes I realize that I made a horrible decision dealing with a man who views women as a hole to dump his seed in, used solely for his satisfaction nothing more.
It really deeply maimed a part of me to know that I was nothing more than a cum bucket to him. He continued to tell me I was his friend. Where in the realm of friendship do you realize that you are not really feeling them but continue to fuck them senseless. What in his mind said it was ok knowing how I felt about orgasms to continue on the path that he was on. He says it hurts him to hurt people…he knew his actions would be painful to me but at no point did he just say you know what…maybe we shouldnt carry on with this. No instead he thought I'll just deal with it later my dick is calling and that is more important than any friendship or pain I might cause. The killer is when he tells me he respects me…since when do you treat a woman like a disposable object and call that respect? Bottom line insulting my intelligence hurts more than anything. I may have been dumb as hell to fool with him but I'm not dumb enough to fall for the I'm your friend line. He avoids me like the plague, its really comforting to be the leper in somebodies life.
By all means I dont want to seem like I'm playing the victim role, I am primarily responsible for the whole situation. Yes it takes 2 to tango, but this is the second time he has played me for a fool. The worst part was just like the first time he screwed me over, if I didnt confront him he wouldnt have said a damn word and would have kept playing a game. Who leaves a friend that they like and respect in the total darkness not once but twice? What the fuck does incompatability have to do with being my friend. If he never wanted to fuck again fine. I was blind, now my eyes are wide open to him and his games. Now I view lots of the things he told me about himself in a true light instead of the filtered light he was providing. What I didnt plan for was him almost being a ghost, here at one point and gone the next. I lost the person I confided in, felt comfortable talking with. I mean I wish I could be this person who is cold hearted, but I still wonder if he's ok, and if he's not I pray for him to be. Sometimes I just wish I got the same treatment from people, that I give to them.
Its all my fault that I looked for comfort and affection in somebody else. Really I just wanted to feel like a woman again, like I was cared for, that somebody found me engaging enough. One should never look for that type of comfort in somebody else. I'm an only child and affection can be my weakness. I'm also horny most times that doesnt help either. I'll learn to deal with it though. I've learned this lesson very well, I wont need to be taught it again. It just really sucks that i was stupid enough to think this man would take my fragility into account, and maybe be gentle with me. I got the total opposite, what can I say it never pays to be stupid.
Bottom line for those reading this, dont be as dumb as I was. Dont let your emotions and heart get in the way of your logic. Dont be blinded by con-artists. I think I have gone through enough hurt to pass this lesson on to others so they wont have to feel the same misery I have. Live & Learn there is no other way to walk this path called life.