• Who I Am, As I Am, And What I`ve Discovered

    This is a holding place for the forum posts that I wrote. Figured it'll be easier to put these in a blog post, so here we go.
    So this was originally supposed to be an introduction for someone else, but as I wrote more and more, I just felt I had to share with the amazing folks here who have helped me on this journey.
    I started the journey about a year ago, and it started for a few reasons. One, love making with my wife was a laborious process to forgo ejaculation, and I was reading up on various practices to prolong the climax. Other than masturbation (repeated edging, couldn't find the time), kegels and prostate massage were the most agreeable of options to me. So I started a regimen of car-Kegels (as I was driving) and noticed some minor benefits after a few months. Not quite pleased with the progress I was making, I started looking for prostate massagers. As I started to read up on various other devices, I stumbled upon the Aneros line (I refuse to refer to them as "toys") and the forum. The descriptions (and occasional videos, if I could find them) really intrigued me, and were very exciting (both sexually arousing and mentally curious) and I couldn't wait to try.
    After about a month of lurking on the forums, watching videos, and fantasizing about the prostate massage by the wife, I caved. Around September of 2011, I went to an adult store that was nearby, but they only had a generic knockoff (and I wasn't ready for the purchase yet). I came back a week later, and they didn't have it anymore. Next time I went, they still didn't have it, so I took it as a sign that it just wasn't time yet. As I was doing my Christmas shopping (November), I decided to check out a different adult store that was nearby, and they most of the Aneros line. The Maximus looked daunting, the Eupho was a bit too advanced for me (based on forum discussions), and the SGX seemed too small, so I was looking at the MGX and Helix. From what I read, the Helix was a good fit for beginners as well as more advanced users, so I figured if I'm going to splurge, might as well get what would work throughout all phases of my journey.
    I brought it home that night not knowing what to expect. At the time, my wife was going to school 4 nights a week and wouldn't be home until much later in the night, so I had several months that I was able to use my Helix uninterrupted. First few sessions were with baby oil, and I was able to get a very slight amount of pleasure/sensations with it, but my anus was getting irritated and I wasn't too keen on how it felt internally. I went and purchased some ID Glide (still using to this day), and things started getting better. My first truly amazing session was when I was away on business. I was getting hit with one p-wave after another, and they just weren't letting up, but I was nowhere near a super-O. Honestly, I didn't care, because the sensations were out of this world, even if they weren't orgasmic. Since that time, I've been hooked.
    As time went on, I started celebrating my various milestones. Unlike other newcomers, I never once got discouraged during the journey, because I enjoyed every session for what it was and always looked forward to what was next. Unfortunately, this "looking forward" part raised my expectations and worked against my progress, as I began getting a little impatient (this was around May, 2012). This wasn't the "I should be feeling more by now" kind of thoughts, but definitely the "Oh god this feels good, I want more" and would try to force sessions to go further. Obviously, this didn't quite work. After about 4 months of this, I took a few weeks off and started browsing the forums. Through overuse (almost every day during those 4 months), and apparently improper use, I started taking it easier. What used to be just about every day because a 2-4 times per week occurance, at least one day between sessions (if I had one Monday, next soonest would be Wednesday). This definitely helped with the milestones, and got me back on track. However, while I did enjoy my sessions, I was finding my sessions were better without my Helix than with it. Curious as to why that was, I decided to purchase the MGX and compare to my Helix (size, weight, shape, proportions, insertions, etc).
    Best decision I ever made. Although the Helix had brought me many nights of pleasure, the MGX was absolutely mind-boggling. I had it shipped to my work (didn't want the wife finding it and getting curious), and actually inserted AT WORK (went to the bathroom for a bit). I couldn't believe the dance that was happening on and around my prostate. I kept it in until I got home later that evening (used a pillow to prevent it from digging in on the drive home), at which point I removed it but still felt like I had it in for the rest of the night (a few mini-Os hit me at rather inopportune moments). When I really got around to comparing, I realized there really wasn't that much difference, except for the fact that the Helix is a bit longer. Next session I had it finally dawned on me why my Helix sessions have been so lack-luster compared to the (only 2) MGX sessions I've had so far. I had been inserting the Helix to the T, so it was overshooting my prostate and I was only getting it with residual contact (plus the sensations on my anus and rectal walls). This was about 30 minutes into an MGX session, so I decided to switch to the Helix and see where that would take me.
    This was the first time I felt a full pressure on my prostate with the Helix, coupled with the first prolonged contact with my "sweet spot", I was oozing and spasming like crazy. My muscles were dancing like they never have before, and I actually could detect the subtle involuntaries that were occuring alongside my manual contractions (which at this point, were quivering in wave-like motions). Best session I ever had, and certainly my most memorable to date. After a few more sessions, while still getting better pleasure than I had in the past several months, I could tell that mind-noise was ultimately preventing me from truly enjoying the pleasure. I've dabbled with self-hypnosis, and have actually trained myself to focus on the sensations in my anal area, but this was different. I was still too "conscious" of everything that was happening (both physically and mentally) and I could tell that I wasn't quite relaxing as well as I should.
    Then I read rikaaim's blog post, about creating a sacred space. He said:
    "Some may use salt or sage to create a physical circle around a space to signify the area sacred, others may just perform certain routine. For example, in a BDSM scene, preparing the toys, cleaning them, setting them out, getting the ambiance just right with music and lighting can create a sacred space. It's building up the scene and removing daily life and distraction. "
    That hit the nail on the head for me. The "warm-up" for me was always very routine, but I was never present during it. I was never in anticipation of what was to come. I failed to enjoy one of the most erotic aspects of the Aneros, the preparation of being taken to new heights of pleasure (not "getting" there, but "being taken" there). This broke the barriers for me. I had always viewed it as a car ride, in which I was steering. Instead, I should have viewed it as a hot air balloon. Amazing views, one of a kind experience, and really you have no control over where you go. You let the wind guide you, move you to wherever it is it wants to take you.
    I had my first feedback loop after this (early this week), but no O land yet. I didn't care, it was thrilling to experience a mile-stone I felt would be the key to true prostate and spiritual awakening. To let my body pleasure itself, and me just coming along for the ride, it was so liberating. The next session drove me even higher, and felt something building deep in my pelvic area. This session brought about something I had thought I experienced before, but apparently had not. Tremors. Not full on flailing, mind you, but the subtle vibrations and pulsing of my muscles in various parts of the body responding to (and causing) intense pleasure away from the only place I've ever experienced it.
    Last night was another first: my first mini-O with either Aneros product inserted (again, I've had 'less mini-O's before). I'm still shuddering with the pleasure that I felt, the surge from the pit of my stomach radiating to all corners of my body in waves. I was in this bliss for about 2 minutes, and the feedback loop just kept getting more and more intense. I felt the start of something more, and my mind was racing with excitement and anticipation, which unfortunately caused it to hide. Still, an amazing session, and I'm still feeling the pleasure from it right now.
    The past 2 weeks have taught me a great deal about myself, my body, and my mind. I was always trying to be "in control" physically, while TRYING to let go mentally. To put it bluntly, I was too present, too focused on what everything is instead of relaxing and simply appreciating what is happening. There's still an element of focus, but it's more a languid curiousity of what my body is doing to itself, a passing glance into the various areas of stimulation (everywhere, not just pelvic region). I feel like I'm opening my mind to what is to come, not to where I'm going, and I feel more at peace with the world (and myself) than I have for the rest of my life.
    I don't know if I could have made this progress without the help of this forum (both newcomers and veterans alike). This place has become a tool for me to learn and grow, to understand all the difficulties associated with this journey, and to discover how it all interacts with my self. My being. Who "I" am. Not as others see me, but as I feel about myself. This is truly a journey I could not have started or progressed without this community, and I am thankful for everything it has done for me and for others like me.

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