• Weird

    Things get weirder and weirder, in a nice way.
    My last 4 orgasms have been interesting. They haven't lasted long. Each time I start to orgasm I feel my pleasure ramping up rapidly but I don't have time to enjoy it much because I feel something building that I have to concentrate on. It's a very deep almost unbelievably powerful pleasure, maybe just another super-O I'm not sure. It sits there and I have no option but to feel it build, my whole body convulsing uncontrollably, but with anticipation rather than any realised pleasure. Each time it gets stronger and it's driving me mad that I can't have it. Each time it seems to get closer I think it's starting to spread and then it stops, and eventually I have to give in because the pressure is starting to get uncomfortable and I have to stop. I try relaxed observation, I try just enjoying it and feeling the pleasure building, but it's like my body just can't quite accept it yet and give in to it, it's too powerful for me.
    Somehow if feels like a super-O building, but in other ways it feels different, even more powerful. I will only know once it hits me and I can't wait because it's going to be good.
    Last night I felt so full of love I thought I was going to burst. I love my wife so much I can't contain it. We started making love, I had been looking forward to that moment for weeks, she had an orgasm and woke the children up. We had to stop then she fell asleep. I felt devastated and cried myself to sleep. We never get any time together to talk about us or make love, I love my children but they need our attention 24 hours a day and it doesn't leave any time for a relationship and I need that more than anything at the moment. I crave being close to my wife and feel unbelievably frustrated.
    I always wake at 4am now. Maybe I don't need so much sleep any more. It gives me time to meditate then orgasm. Today's meditation was weird. I felt a cold coming over me and it didn't feel good, maybe I was imagining it but it felt like a dark energy trying to get at me, I felt it sucking at my chest. I tried to do what I have been told to do if I felt this happens and imagined myself surrounded by light, and I told the energy to leave me. It's the first time I have felt anything negative like that.
    When my wife got up I held her and told her how much I loved her then started crying. It was good to share it with her.
    I'm reading a lot and have identified with a schizoid character type. I think I split at a very young age and have spent my life half in this world and half in the spirit world. I have never felt 'all there'. It explains why I have always felt so spiritual as if I know there is something else out there. Only now can I really connect with that, and make myself more grounded in this world. I identified fear as my biggest issue that is a characteristic of this problem.
    When I had my first super-O I felt like I had come home. It was a really powerful event for me as if I had at last connected consciously with the other half of my life. I have still not experienced a state like that again, I think I am frightened that if I go back there I won't want to come back. Hopefully as I work through my problems I will feel safe to go there again, it certainly was fun and I would love to experience it again.
    Life keeps getting stranger and stranger.

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