Last night I felt like trying again. It felt as if something had changed. I had identified guilt as a possible cause of my blockage and was determined that I needed to enjoy myself and not care what anyone else thought, so even though I didn’t know if my wife was asleep I started to build the feelings and sink into an orgasm.
I didn’t have an orgasm despite an hour trying with and without the aneros. It did feel good, and I was close for a long time, I even felt the sensation of falling into an orgasm starting twice the first one within minutes of starting, a real pleasurable orgasm, different to the weak watery orgasms I have had in the last week which were more just like a release of muscular tension without any pleasure waves. But they didn’t actually happen. I didn’t quite fall over the edge, in fact I think I was a bit nervous of it. It felt a bit like trying to start a petrol engine, it fired a few times but never actually got going on its own.
I don’t feel totally devastated about this as I might have done a few days ago. It was actually good and I can feel something lifting. I regard it as another step on the journey and I feel that I can be patient because I really think it will happen again.
I spoke to my wife this morning and told her everything. She knew I was doing something last night and was ok with it. I think she is starting to understand what I am doing and it’s wonderful to be able to share it with her. It has brought us closer. I feel less guilty about it now as well.
I’m so tired again today after being up late last night I probably won’t even have the energy to try again today which is probably a good thing.
— and then this afternoon I suddenly felt really low again and desperately unhappy and disappointed that I failed again last night. Not really sure where to go from here. A break is probably a good thing and see what happens next.