So I had therapy today to talk about some of the stuff with my mom, so I was pretty chill when I got home. After therapy I went to a Starbucks and read a chapter of 12 rules for life about raising your children. It didn’t quite hit on the “don’t be an absolute monster to your kids” that I thought it would, but I also practiced laying out some of my feelings about my mom in the framework of crucial conversations. I had gotten a Facebook message from my mom asking “if I got her texts”, but since I had blocked her on my phone and unfriended her on Facebook, this message came as a surprise to me. I got home and meditated a bit after lighting a scented candle (which smells like boy’s deodorant :)). I was reminiscing about my adolescence. In practice, I tried imagining how it felt to have my whole being be in some pleasant adolescent memories (which I realized were rooted in the pleasantry of being away from my bitchy mother). I also wrote down some potentially “Freudian Nightmare” phrases relating to my mom and Aneros usage. I tried channeling my inner, vulnerable childhood voice and got emotional as I articulated:

* “Mommy why did you get mad at me for using sex toys to make myself feel good?”
* “Mommy, why don’t you love me when I make myself feel all nice and good inside?”

I feel like the wounds run deep within my own sexuality from the torture that my mother put me through. I find it incredibly erotic to watch gay porn, and always wanted to know what it felt like to bottom, which I think is what got me interested in anal play when I was young.

Regardless, when I am pleasuring myself anally while alone (and not in the oxytocin-induced comfort of cuddling and touching a boy), I have a lot of trouble becoming vocal. This is a similar theme from last session, and to be honest, though I flirted with true sexually charged relaxation as I practiced fingering myself, relaxing my anus wholly, and feeling my heartbeat, I held on to all the same tension as I did last session soon after I stopped fingering myself. I got into rushing and being afraid of anal sensations from the massager (which materializes physically as tension in my legs or abdomen) and, again, an unwillingness to vocalize. I did notice that I could start to feel a bit more “in my body” when I focused on my pulse (either as I felt it in my anus from my fingers, or a little bit while I had the massager in and was feeling my pulse eminate from my heart). Overall, though, I am very unkind to myself about the fact that I haven’t committed to changing my mindset when I use the massager. I get frustrated with myself for having taken six years and still not having just gone back to basics, which is what I feel like I’m doing now. I knew *all* of this the whole time, but was afraid to commit to it.

That’s part of why I named my blog “a journey of a thousand steps”. I’m reading this book called 12 Rules For Life by Jordan Peterson. One of the rules is to not compare yourself to other people today, but rather compare yourself to who you were yesterday. As long as one thing in your life is slightly better than it was yesterday, you can feel good about yourself :). A goal of a single small decision improving every day of your life is a powerful ratchet to help you become a better person. I’m trying to change my mindset about my sessions, and that’s part of why I wanted to start writing this blog. It may take me thousands more days on my journey to the Super-O… but at the same time, I need to judge myself not by whether or not I reached some hypothetical destination, but rather by being a better person today than I was yesterday. And so I’m proud of tonight’s session. I got a lot more practice relaxing than I did yesterday. And that’s moved the bar for myself. If I can do it today, I can do it just a little tiny bit better tomorrow :). It may not be leaps and bounds, but I definitely felt slightly closer to being comfortable with anally pleasuring myself today, and focusing on the sensations generated by the massager in the now. I had this thought go through my mind, driven by my deja vu of so many sessions where I was not improving at my relaxation: “Hey man, you’ve been here before, done the same thing, and haven’t made progress. Why not try something new now? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity :P.” And so I tried to focus on what I feel now, rather than what I expected to feel in the past. From a mindfulness perspective, since there’s only ever the now, every thought and expectation I ever have had is already in the past. And so I worked on freeing myself up to be in the now, and feel what I was feeling *now* rather than judging myself for not feeling what I expected to be feeling in the past. And I did that just a little better than I did yesterday 😀 😀 😀

Eventually I did start getting tense though and squirming and clenching, and milked myself to a partially hands free orgasm (again, I stimulated my dick by clenching while my erect penis laid flat against my chest, and convulsing would cause some sensation on my glans). I came from this eventually, but again, I had a fun time and did just a little bit better than I did yesterday, and that’s all that matters <3

So anyway, that's kind of why I picked the title for this post: "Releasing a bit of tension". I did better than I did yesterday! But it's about the journey anyway, not the destination. So I'm proud of myself for what I accomplished! It's the most progress I've made in at least the past six months :') And so I'm just super proud of myself because *I* did it. And *I* made myself happier today 🙂 And that's all that matters <3 <3 <3