• Long way to go

    An update on where I am.
    I seem to be having a very different journey to others. It hasn't been easy. Emotions all over the place and it has ended up being largely a spiritual journey. When I first started I expected that by now I would be reaching the heights of pleasure I read about on the forum but that is far from where I am at.
    I haven't been able to reach an orgasm for quite some time now and have still not come close to my first ever whole body orgasm 2 months ago. It's a big disappointment but I have learnt so much in other ways and I hang on to the thought that I know I am capable of something amazing once I learn how to get there again.
    There are so many things going on in parallel.
    Spiritually I have learnt a massive amount but still have much to learn. A clairvoyant friend has offered to act as a tutor and she seems to understand me well. She tells me to be patient and is guiding my meditation and explaining things to me as they happen. I am finding Buddhist teachings helpful and recognise all the negative thoughts that are blocking my progress, and I'm working on those and trying to become a better more caring person.
    My friend has told me about my spirit guides and one in particular who is helping with spiritual development. I have felt him near me as I meditate, seen his face once, and he has spoken to me a few times. When I asked him for help my next google search brought up Buddhist teachings I think he guided me to that.
    One big problem is my work and lack of time for myself. It is causing stress and taking all my energy and slowing my progress. I read about others progressing fast and realise that they are spending hours working towards their goals. I either sleep or get up early or go to bed late to get some time for myself and it's far from ideal, almost counter productive, but it's the only way I can do it. Also I never get time on my own so there are interruptions whenever I try to meditate or orgasm so again my progress is slow.
    I recognise that there psychological blocks inside me and I think they are childhood traumas. I am certain that this is my biggest problem right now. I have had problems all my life with stress, relationships, and never felt able to enjoy myself fully. I have always used sex as the main way to feel good about myself.
    I'm trying to observe my stress now and be grateful for it as a pointer to what is wrong, and see it as a positive thing. I recognise it as a defence against something I have hidden inside me, and part of my sexual block.
    Yesterday I felt very jealous reading how well some people are doing on the forum. I held onto this feeling and observed it and 'studied' it, and relaxed. It became a strong feeling in my solar plexus and I just let it sit there and I meditated on it. I then became aware of another strong feeling building at the back of my throat which led to me feeling like a small child again, very difficult to describe. It became more emotional and I started crying and I started saying 'Mummy, Mummy' and I felt like I was calling for her but not getting any response. It remained a vague feeling and still didn't really connect with any particular emotion. I was driving at the time so it didn't go any further and I find it difficult to truly fall into the emotion, there is always the concious brain trying to analyse what is happening and I need to learn to switch off before I think I will fully be able to feel what pain I have inside me.
    It was interesting that I felt something in my throat yesterday. I have always had difficulty expressing myself and felt a big block in my throat all my life. I have never felt able to connect properly with other people and always felt lonely and unable to communicate.
    There is still a very long way to go, so much to let go of and barriers to break down. It's going to be a long haul.

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