But it was not just Marie’s leaving that set my world upside down. My downward spiral began with my dad dying a long slow death earlier in the year. It was surely time for his departure as the quality of his life in his 90’s had declined to the point that he would have said what he was doing was not really living. Dad was an avid outdoorsman, fly fisherman, hunter and lover of the forests and wilds of his beloved land up north. The last few years of his life were no reflection of who he was or what he cared about; confinement to his wheelchair was like slow torture for him. It killed me emotionally to see him failing but when he passed I was apologetically thankful. He no longer had the strength to walk from a car to my house yet alone expend the energy to hike in the woods. So the year that started with Dad’s death ended with Marie leaving me. It was a year that will go down as the worst one in my life.

The lingering misery of this year beyond the loneliness with him being gone was Dad’s last will and testament. As his only child he left me everything to deal with, his house in the village, an office full of his papers and mementos and the crown jewel, 10,000 prime developable acres of timberland and marshland on Moosehead Lake. All during his last two years we were plagued by several developers that Dad had worked with (he was an attorney) who wanted to partner with him to build lodge like summer places in a high end subdivisions on the land to be sold to NY and Connecticut investment bankers and stockbrokers. We had steadfastly refused while he was alive. We both couldn’t stomach the thought of that land peppered with 5,000 square foot suburban log second homes.

The angst of his passing was prolonged by the painful long drawn out process of settling his estate. Every time I delved into the paperwork and probate process it ceased being paperwork and instead became a reminder of the man he was, legacy that he left and the loss I felt. Sadly though the emotional turmoil was amplified by the practical; now that he was gone and my own life was upside down I wasn’t sure what to do with that land. I was still the same person of years ago who valued the wild balsam scent of expansive forests was no fan of development. But the older Logan of today was more pragmatic and the money would sure be nice in my advancing years to say nothing of leaving my kids financially secure. I was getting older and I wasn’t really sure what good undeveloped forests were to me anyway. Dad’s legacy was becoming my dilemma; not so much as the hassle of dealing with the land but more of a question as to my values relative to money, ethics and what I wanted to do with the precious window of time I had left. All of that occurring in the context of my unfettered burgeoning sexuality was the source of much anguish.

The familiar surroundings of my small village and my predictable (until the last few months) life was no longer comfortable and reassuring, it was difficult to maneuver and very unsettling.

So as I lay in bed that morning missing Marie I longed to rediscover the serene vacuum of sleep in the hope that its dull haze would help me avoid thinking about my life and my loss and what was left after that loss. I really don’t like being alone and the departures due to death and an absent spouse were wearing on my sense of self. The constant sweet anguish of my arousal whining in my ear and tugging on my cock didn’t make things easier. Often times I would seek the excruciating ecstasy of an Aneros session to forget about the weight on my shoulders.

It was in the context of this sexual ennui that I began sexting with a woman on line. It began as an introduction in a chat room. In that chat room we became fast friends that often departed the main room and went into lengthy personal messaging. Those personal messages were the first time that I spoke openly about my unruly and edgy sexuality and my expanding sexual response.

Half way into a two hour personal messaging session with her my penis would be fully erect and dripping. It was in those messages that I learned that she was my age and very very sexually adventurous, much more so than I was. Moreover I discovered that she was a photographer whose figurative imagery consisted of a fair amount of erotica.

After three months of chat in the room we abandoned the forum we had been communicating in and went to a platform of Micro Soft Messenger and video to share intimacies. She was the first woman to see me nude other than MnM since I was a teenager. Showing my erection to her and masturbating for her were the most outrageous and arousing things I had ever done.

I am a romantic person despite my outward appearance of being the tough rugged outdoors guy. Lying nude in my bed that frosty morning, alone that moment, I succumbed to revel in my newly appreciated self image of sexiness and sensual masculinity. I never thought of myself in those terms before but it was now a frequent temptation that I often gave into. This was a new feeling and thought pattern for me, to feel overtly sexy. I never thought of the sexual or sensual side of me before, but now I did; all the time. This was I was told by senior Aneros Forum members, part of being rewired. This rewiring thing was beguiling, exciting, sensual, arousing and daunting at the same time.

In my rewired state of mind, my thoughts frequently soared in a mindfully sensual flight of erotic fancy; I was aroused a lot of the time. This was also new to me, at this point in my life to be constantly aroused. At my age I thought sexuality was supposed to wane but mine wasn’t, just the opposite it was expanding exponentially.

There was something about the serene glowing light of dawn driving back the early morning chill that stirred and amplified that sweet melancholy of the erotic sensualist in me; this Indian Summer was no different than others remembered.

As I lay there memories of languidly cuddling Marie on lazy mornings drifted into my mind. We grew up sexually together. She was a virgin when I met her; she had never even seen a flacid penis before yet alone a large one like mine erect. She was stunned when she first saw me hard. Her interaction with men at 19 in her small town when we met was limited to kissing and having them feel her up. In college when we met and developed an intimate relationship, I sowed the seeds of the undoing of our marriage. I introduced her to sex and taught her the edgy and more adventurous practices that I knew. She then embraced them and pursued them beyond my wildest expectations. It was her love of sex that eventually drew her eyes and her vagina to a younger cock and the end of our marriage.

Early in our relationship before we even fucked and endured the exqquisite agony of orgam from my prodigious cock prying open her cunt and sinking deep into her she made it very clear to me that she loved servicing me. That fascination was masturbating me and giving me oral sex. The thing that she was transfixed on was manually or orally coaxing me to ejaculate and watching steaming semen gush from my cock slit. She never tired of watching the cum pulse from my spasming cock head as it coated her hand. Her gaze would alternate from my face to my penis. She was mesmerized observing my face contorting in ecstasy and my penis lurching as it ejaculated on her hand. She became a master at stroking me to cum and caressing my regurgitating cock head just so. Laying in bed together on those lazy mornings she would always seize the opportunity to fondle my penis to erection to tantalize my arousal and satisfy her fixation. Instead of being grossed out by my cum she was enamored with it as it coated her hand.

However the door to the taboo for her was opened when I introduced her to my anus as man pussy. What I created by introducing her to anal pleasure was a very sensual woman who totally embraced the tactile and mindful dimensions of sexual intimacy with my anus. Initially she was a reserved girl relative to sex who was outwardly shy; however with more knowledge and orgasmic skill she became a lioness in bed with me. She developed a very adventurous attitude towards edgy sex in the privacy of our home. Six months after my start up with Aneros when I gained proficiency in MMO, I told her about it. She was on it immediately, begging me to let her participate in a session. Ultimately she became a regular in my sessions, pushing my orgasms to the limits of my ability to endure pleasure. She became my male orgasm mistress.

Beyond sex, Marie possessed an amazing combination of attributes and interests. She was an amazing craftswoman and seamstress among other things. She brought this creativity to the Aneros sessions she participated in. After watching the first session she had an idea how to facilitate the orgasm and give her the lead role driving the session. She designed and fabricated a 5 foot long nylon strap to have two loops on either end that I put my legs into. She then put the two loops behind my knees and the middle of the strap behind my neck; the strap pulled my knees towards my chest. She then fitted a 28 inch dowel with eyelets at either end that attached to carabineers at the loops at my knees. The effect was to pull up my knees and separate them, exposing my anus to her.

The first time and every time we used this simple invention was absurdly exciting for me. We discovered that the best way to give her access to my anus was to have me lay on a yoga mat on our kitchen table with the strap on. She would sit at a chair between my legs with my anus just below her eye level and my cock and balls at eye level. She could then gaze at my puckered sex hole and tenderly massage my anal opening externally. I trembled and gasped the first time she did it. She learned that the skin at the thresh hold of my anus is incredibly sensitive and sexually hyper responsive. As she massaged the soft skin at my opening with the lubed delicate fingers of her left hand she used her right hand to tweak and pinch my nipples.

Like a potter shaping an elegant pot on a wheel she watched her hands and the responsive material her fingers touched to see it change and shape it. The pleasure this inflicted on me was excruciatingly intense and like clay my erection grew and my prostate swelled in her skilled hands. She was really spellbound by how responsive my anus was to stimulation. As she stimulated my anus and nipples my cock hardened and lurched oozing a rivulet of precum as it gently recoiled. The more she stimulated my anus the more pre cum flowed from my cock slit. She then used my cock as a dispenser to collect my own lube that she used on my man pussy.

The first time we tried this I was gasping in delirious MMO after 10 minutes. These anal massage sessions became the prelude to prostate massage with her finger. She developed the skill to stroke my prostate to erection and drive me crazy in the process. That led to one of her favorite things, slowly and gingerly teasing my anus with my peridise and watching my man pussy flinch and spasm instantly in MMO after she inserted it into me. She knew from our masturbation sessions that all she had to then do was grasp my sulcus with her finger and press on it. She alternated kissing my cock head and pressing on it to bring me to mind numbing MMO’s. As she pinched my nipples and kissed and pressed on the underside of my cock head the MMO soared into the stratosphere; she watched fascinated as I shuddered and shook in orgasmic euphoria.

The memories of those sessions with Marie became my own porno video in my mind. As my body responded to those sensual memories the sweet rapture of arousal grew. The erotic desperation that had been gripping my penis, began to creep down to my perineum. I could feel the tingling advance of its touch under my balls as it sought out my anus. I lay there in still wonderment as the erotic energy from my mind tenderly parted my ass cheeks and invaded my man pussy tormenting it.

Despite the busy schedule that was hounding my consciousness and inflicting guilt on me for being weak and giving into sexual pleasure I surrendered. The sultry allure of erotic pleasure coaxed me to lie still, and give into my fantasies and let myself drift into the arms of
Aless orgasm. In response I gratefully surrendered, relishing the sensations that were now dancing around my anal opening and tingling around the tip of my penis. I committed to enjoy the moment and stay put to float with my fantasy and whatever it had in store for me. So as I ignored the guilt that expected me to get up and prepare for the day, I allowed myself to lazily slip into the desperately relaxing calm of the erotic screenplay projecting itself on the x rated movie screen in my mind.

My rigid penis began to throb in passionate response to the taunting eroticism of my thoughts fueled by the lingering hunger of my libido. As wanton desire tugged on my penis it seemed to simultaneously be invading my anus,. It blew the warm breath of libidinous desire on my rigid swollen prostate. Willfully the desire that was born of my mind blew its erotic desperation on the gland in my anus causing it to harden and ache with the same desire that my erection felt. As the pleasure gland in my anal canal hardened it filled the canal with a thirst for pleasure that was alluring and exotic.

Suddenly the clock radio snapped on interrupting my erotic morning fantasy, jerking me back to reality. I looked at the clock next to the bed; it was 7:00 AM. Relieved at what I saw I sat up and looked around me as I stretched. I had time to get up and get ready to be at the College Administration Building for my appointment at 9:00; I might even be early. I knew I had plenty of time to stop and get a coffee and breakfast before my appointment in the President’s Office.

Throwing the covers off, I looked down at my cock arched in rigid arousal. It was still taut and gently bobbing as it pulsed in time to my heartbeat begging me to tend to its needs. My swollen purple – red cockhead was slimy, glistening with the sweet sap of my arousal. That arousal also caused a pleasant twitching of my perineum and a tightening urgent ache in my anus. I ran my hands over my torso, dwelling on the slightly curved rigid flesh man spike between my legs. I was growing to really admire and love my cock. I especially liked it when my cock when it was rigid in response to the sensual caress of lurid fantasies.

Ignoring the nagging desire to lay back down and tug at my cock and coerce it to hurl a rope of steamy cum and slake the thirst that was whining in my balls, I decided to get up instead. I needed to be up a little early that morning to allow myself extra time to make sure I could find everything I needed. The kitchen was a pile of boxes; having just finished moving over the weekend. I didn’t have the time to sort them all out yet. I had a lot on my plate for the next week or so but the meeting that morning was important; I wanted to make sure I got everything I needed to finish it up and get it out of the way.

I told Lisa Eagan, Director of Campus Planning I would be by on Monday morning first thing to discuss the survey plans for the new humanities building and talk about some of the right of way issues I discovered. I told her I would be there by 9:00 AM, which was a little less than two hours away. Now that I was alone in my lonely new house I could walk about naked, so I did. It was an edgy act of rebellion against acceptable social norms. Just because I could walk around boldly naked I did. Walking nude into the kitchen, my erection swung in front of me like a staff displaying a flag pole celebrating my arrival. It felt odd to be walking around naked with no curtains on the windows but I reassured myself of my solitary setting and privacy that surrounded the house and enjoyed the freedom of my nude reality. Besides the thought that external eyes might catch a glimpse of my sexually aroused naked body excited me. Prompted by that thought my erection twitched and my prostate pulsed gently.

I suddenly remembered that I had prepared for the meeting with Lisa well ahead of time before the move. I saw the box of files and recent traverses, surveys and plans that I prepared sitting on a chair by the door waiting for me. I strategically left them yesterday. The contents were carefully written the side of the box.

Going to the fridge, I poured myself a glass of OJ, and leaned my bare butt against the counter as I slaked my morning thirst with the liquid electricity in the glass. The counter felt cold against my bare skin, raising chills that ran up and down my spine. I rested there for a moment enjoying the waves of blissful chills that washed over my skin, raising the hairs on the back of my neck. The cold silence in this new house was going to take some time to get used to.

I shook off the sensual lazy mental state that slowed my mind and body and committed myself to get ready for the day. I went into the bathroom, showered, dressed and shaved as efficiently as possible and grabbed the box I had left near the door during the move; it had all my files for this meeting. I bounded out the door, jumped in the van and dropped the box on the seat next to me. I recalled specifically organizing the box days before the move, in preparation for the meeting this morning. I consciously kept it separate from everything else in the office that was in boxes and packed in the file cabinets. Despite the turmoil in my life and the unraveling of my sexual limitations I managed to still remain organized.

Moving from our house of thirty years had proven to be a complete upheaval of my life just as the death and separation had been; the move was a result of MnM’s request for our separation. I had designated the living room of our old house as the central staging area for my pile of boxes that got sorted in the separation process. MnM used the dining room to stack hers. When the scrutinizing was done her pile was staged to leave and was gone in a day and my remained to be moved later. It was bittersweet that these two rooms that had been the location of so many happy family events became the launch sites for the start of our new separate lives.

I looked at the College survey notes and plans next to me, neatly done and packaged early so I wouldn’t have to worry about them during the move. The box containing plats, files and the envelope with the folded deed information was sealed and labeled in the box with the other materials just as I had left them during the packing. After weeks of paperwork and planning I was now in the new house, but it was a disorganized mess except for that box. I took reassurance that in due time the rest of my life would be as neatly organized as that box was. The process of separating and moving was a metaphor for my life. Everything was done in small seemingly irrelevant steps but those steps cumulatively amounted to huge changes.

I slammed the van door, started the engine and patiently waited for the heater to warm the interior a bit; sitting thoughtfully I waited for the defroster to clear the frost on the window. That act of patiently waiting for the view on my windshield to clear usually took an interminably long time but this morning it seemed to clear quickly. As I sat there I hoped that the issues in my life would clear as quickly.