Telling the wife - wrong thing to do?

Telling the wife - wrong thing to do?... Maybe I should have kept it a secret.IMHO, being honest and open in your relationship with your wife is the proper and correct thing to do. Being secretive only erects barriers to good communication and may lead to remorse or guilt about withholding information. Further, trying to hide this pleasurable activity from her may lead you to adopting isolating behavior patterns which she may interpret as a rejection of her as a continuing significant part of both your lives
It is curious she is accepting of your bisexuality, apparently not fearing your establishing a physical (and possibly emotional) relationship with a man (thereby not needing her anymore) but is unwilling to accept your use of a simply plastic device originally developed for healthful purposes. Something is definitely amiss here! Her reluctance to discuss your Aneros usage is indicative of some psychological turmoil. If she is unwilling or unable to discuss this matter with you perhaps she should discuss this with a sex therapist (see the Getting Help section of the Aneros WIKI).
Good Vibes to You !

yeah I'm surprised to by her reaction. Can we ask why you only have sex every 6 months? My wife was a little upset when I told her but only because I didnt include her from the beginning. She would rather have had us experience it together from the beginning. She has no interest per say in my aneros use, so don't quite understand her meaning, but meh. I'm glad I told her so no more tipp toeing around it.

I feel you have done right by telling her. The places two people could go in the name orgasmic bliss would be so fantastic.

smudgefish,

I agree with the above posts.

One of the best decisions I have ever made was telling my wife about my Aneros. I told her before it arrived. I told her why I got it (to explore my own sexuality) and how I came across it (looking at the issue of prostate health online).

After I had used it for about a month, I had a session while lying next to her in bed, holding her hand. I had a pretty amazing session and I described everything that was going on. From then on she was very encouraging to me, allowing me to ride when I wanted to. She has participated in my sessions (inserting, watching me in the throws of orgasms). And, we have had intercourse while it was inserted in me. There is NOTHING like making love to my wife while in the midst of a Super Orgasm! 🙂

Now that I am adept at having Aneros-less sessions, she is used to me convulsing with her. She also knows what to do induce prostate orgasms in me. And, one more huge benefit, we are both multi-orgasmic. So, we can make love and be COMPLETELY satisfied with the dozens...hundreds of orgasms we have without penetration and penile ejaculation. Don't worry, we still have LOTS of intercourse.

Be honest...as Ben Franklin said, "It is the best policy."

brine

I think you did the right thing by telling her. The key is how you handle the discussion from this point forward.

Key points:
-She is not being replaced. This is a new area of exploration for you which has physical and mental benefits. Find some of the women's perspective posts on this forum. Find the HIH website with its prostate benefits. Explain what it means to you.
-The prostate orgasm is not a replacement for physical intimacy or intercourse. Making love to your wife is about a physical and mental connection and is a source of well being for both of you.
-The reality is that you are more aware of your feelings and are more turned on then ever and want and need your wife more not less.
-This is not a bisexual or homosexual activity. It is a sexual activity. I think it is more. It is a mental and physical stimulation not experienced by any other "simple" sexual act.
-You told her because you want her to know about, and maybe at some point experience, this new and exciting part of your life.

I have worked through a similar path. Communication and openness balanced with patience and not pushing her will get you through this. You may even be able to open her up and discover why once every 6 months.

I think some people are just more sexual and open. Traditional labels such as bisexual don't always make sense. Some of us are just more erotic and sexual in general and follow a if it brings pleasure without hurting others then it is acceptable. Does not mean you have to leave your wife or that she is any less crucial to all aspects of your life.

My wife isnt thrilled with it but I do it alone out of respect for her. I have used it at night and then rolled over and woke her up with it in. She doesnt know. The other day she surprised me. She tied me up and put it in while she road me. At one point she leans back and wiggles it while riding me. Honestly it wasnt in right and didnt do much but i didnt let her know that.

Maybe your wifes reaction was more out of shock. My wife has warmed up to it a little more even though she doesnt really get it. Communication is key. Imho just keep it as an alone thing but dont lie about it. My wife is more insecure so her first thought was like your wife. She admitted it made her feel like she wasnt enough for me. I explained to her im not gay and not even close, but im curious and i figure what does it hurt. Might as well give it a go. In order to help her i made it a point to do her the same amount if not just a little more often. Her and I came together at the exact same time for the first time in almost 16 years of marriage. Just remember to make her first. Sex and marriage ebbs and flows.

Maybe a womens opinion will help you.

Agreed, Hellyes.

Thanks everyone. Yes I had thought it was best to not hide something as important (to me anyway) as this from her, and wanted to share how excited I was about it. The conversation went on a bit after I wrote the above, she told me that she wasn't angry really whilst looking like I had just told her I was having an affair, then gave me a short lecture on how she would leave me if I had an affair. Wonderful. She is very insecure but she won't talk about it. I tried to tell her that it's making me want sex with her more not less, I'm quite surprised she hadn't noticed to be honest!

We used to have the most wonderful sex life which I really miss, she even used to encourage me to explore my bisexuality so we were very open at one point, it's still the best sex ever when we do actually have sex, she's just always tired or ill these days, and she knows how much I miss it and want to be close to her again. I had felt like at last I was getting some satisfaction without having to cheat on her.

Not sure where to go from here - probably nowhere, I will see if she ever brings it up again, and try to work on the relationship in general I suppose.

All I would say to anyone else is be careful telling your wife and be prepared that they may not be as excited about it as you are. It's a very emotional thing.

Heya,

It's been many years since I've posted last. Without hijacking the thread with my story, I'll get right down to it.

I told my fiance about my Aneros use in 2011, about a year before we moved in together. When I first told her she took it very well. At first she wanted to be a part of it. She inserted it a few times and we had intercourse with it as well. I collected a few models and purchased the Paradise set for use to share in our new venture. Everything was good.. so i thought.

My fiance got a rare skin condition that made her skin really thin and during intercourse, her vagina would get micro tears, making it very painful for her. Because of that we started have sex much less frequently. I come home where she has all the Aneros toys out on the bed where she asked me to throw them all away! Her reasoning is that if she cant give me the pleasure, she doesn't want them around anymore. She didn't want to throw them away but she said that I NEED to. (EDIT: I forgot to add in that I did throw them away. My relationship is WAY more important to me.)

See, I continued to use my Aneros toys, when we found out about her condition (I have needs as well). She grew jealous and began to resent my use without her being included which is why she asked me to toss them out.

It has been well over two years since I've used an Aneros toy and the frequency at with I have intercourse is few and far between. Recently I've began talking to my fiance about purchasing a new toy. She said she's not for or against it and from what I'm getting from her, is that she doesn't want to know about it.

Moral of the story. I'm a VERY VERY open partner. I tell my fiance EVERYTHING! Sometimes it's a fantastic thing and sometimes it bites me in the ass!! Be prepared for your partner to be either for or AGAINST your views on the subject and be prepared to reap the benefits or suffer the consequences.

Sadly in my case, I suffered the consequences 🙁

I think one of the main problems is that of function. Most females are very protective of their labia and vagina. They have a number of infections, bacterial and fungal, that cause problem. Most females learn or are taught to dry from front to back after a wee. Because they have such a treasure trove of pleasure at the front the anus is usually reserved for dumping. I think that guys on this site don't fully realize the almost automatic health regime of the female.
I think this is why partners are unhappy about Aneros. If on the other hand the Aneros health benefit is focussed on, it may enable the partner to consider her partners health, well being AND longevity. The female has the potential for more than enough fun at the front, she has the clitoris, the BC at the entrance of the vagina, the length of the vagina and the She-spot, wow lucky, lucky person, and on those odd times they all combine into bliss! So she is perplexed regarding our interest in our rear.
I add this post as in I have gleaned much from my wife's comments. She is happy for my Aneros toys, though she says she does not quite understand. She is much more focussed on the joy of her front bits
Edit: she is convinced that the release of sexual energy and the 'kundalini' wave that flows up her spine and around her heads then all over is super beneficial to her health. So anything I do to stimulate all that in myself is encouraged.

I agree with @rumel.

@smudgefish, you did nothing wrong when you were honest and open with your partner. However, I think that it's truly an issue of self-esteem. I've experienced something similar in my relationship.

See, in the beginning, when I found prostate pleasure I was totally excited and my girlfriend was happily surprised to see me electrified. Yet I soon noticed that my girlfriend didn't share my increasing excitement. This was because she started feeling inadequate and replaceable, that she wasn't good enough in bed since I wanted to explore my prostate or I wouldn't need her because I would be able to produce greater orgasms on my own and so forth. Gradually she started criticizing me about exploring my prostate and we had to argue over nonsense that am I gay or not. To me it was very frustrating because I'm not. I also felt that it was unfair because as a woman she has both pleasure organs in the front (clit and vagina), whereas as men we have them in the front (penis) and in the rear (prostate).

Every once in a while she asks do I have my Aneros in and I feel like it's a thing I need to deny and hide, although I shouldn't. On a few occasions she has asked me do I want to put it in while we do things, but I don't feel like it because due to her reactions, I would nowadays rather just use it myself privately.

I'm sharing my story because I wanted to let you know about a similar situation. You did nothing wrong, so don't feel bad about it. You were open, which is crucial to any relationship. Additionally, do not let her negative reaction affect your attitude toward what you have obviously enjoyed and start practicing it like it's something that you should hide or you shouldn't do. That is what happened to me in a way, it decreased my use and I let it influence me, so that it turned into a somewhat hidden thing. I have decided to change that and will stand proud behind my sexuality. Being who you are and standing behind it makes you free.
In the end, we are all responsible for our own pleasure anyway.

A strange thing happened last night. My wife was all over me, we had mind blowing sex then she started telling me that she fancied me madly and was sorry for being so mean to me for the last 15 years, and said we need to have more sex. No mention of what we talked about last night but I was quite shocked really.Not quite sure what happened there but maybe a bit of openness between us has helped our relationship and that's not a bad thing. I hope in the future we can actually discuss prostate orgasms and I hope ultimately to share it with her but I'm not going to push it, she knows about it now, it's not a secret but maybe she doesn't want to know any more about it just yet.

One thing I did notice was that I have not had such a good erection since I was a teenager, and my orgasm lasted longer and was more intense. Using the aneros has improved normal sex enormously, in fact my wife commented on how strong my ejaculation and orgasm was.

@smudgefish IMHO couples should reserve intimate time. I started that with my wife about 20 years ago. At first she didn't get it. But I explained that by reserving a night that is ours, we can both look forward to it and tease about it. Now she guards it as closely as I do. That is not to say we only have sex on the one day quite the contrary, but I do believe that the reserved time becomes very special and it doesn't allow you to fall into a rut where you neglect your intimate time.

Now, I am surprised how often we hear about women complaining that men never talk to them, but how often I hear my male friends complain that they can't get the female in their life to open up and talk to them.

I agree with @rumel.

@smudgefish, you did nothing wrong when you were honest and open with your partner. However, I think that it's truly an issue of self-esteem. I've experienced something similar in my relationship.

See, in the beginning, when I found prostate pleasure I was totally excited and my girlfriend was happily surprised to see me electrified. Yet I soon noticed that my girlfriend didn't share my increasing excitement. This was because she started feeling inadequate and replaceable, that she wasn't good enough in bed since I wanted to explore my prostate or I wouldn't need her because I would be able to produce greater orgasms on my own and so forth. Gradually she started criticizing me about exploring my prostate and we had to argue over nonsense that am I gay or not. To me it was very frustrating because I'm not. I also felt that it was unfair because as a woman she has both pleasure organs in the front (clit and vagina), whereas as men we have them in the front (penis) and in the rear (prostate).

Every once in a while she asks do I have my Aneros in and I feel like it's a thing I need to deny and hide, although I shouldn't. On a few occasions she has asked me do I want to put it in while we do things, but I don't feel like it because due to her reactions, I would nowadays rather just use it myself privately.

I'm sharing my story because I wanted to let you know about a similar situation. You did nothing wrong, so don't feel bad about it. You were open, which is crucial to any relationship. Additionally, do not let her negative reaction affect your attitude toward what you have obviously enjoyed and start practicing it like it's something that you should hide or you shouldn't do. That is what happened to me in a way, it decreased my use and I let it influence me, so that it turned into a somewhat hidden thing. I have decided to change that and will stand proud behind my sexuality. Being who you are and standing behind it makes you free.
In the end, we are all responsible for our own pleasure anyway.

This is a fantastic reply!!

How do you think we males would react if a partner announced they had discovered a device that when placed in their vaginas gave them countless, incredible orgasms?

I suspect feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and jealousy might emerge.

Personally, I wouldn't want someone to watch me have super-o's either. In fact I might become too tense to relax into an Aneros state of mind.

What you describe Gilman is already the case with women! It's the fact now that men can be considered even on the orgasm front that some women are jealous. Hey it's all about equality, right?

Telling the wife - should do it sooner (even before purchase)

Otherwise might feel like cheating.

I feel that honesty with your partner is always the best if not the more personally difficult option. It can be very difficult to discuss sexual needs, desires, and issues. It can feel very risky. Even if the first response is not what you hoped, at least there is a chance that a discussion will take place. If your partner refuses to enter into a discussion that was thoughtfully and honestly raised, then it is likely a much deeper issue exists.

Keeping secrects will be much worse when discovered. Then you will be dealing with issues of trust which are very difficult to resolve.

If your partner accepts what you have shared on some level, you may have the opportunity to open up new communications that may not have been tried before and you may both be pleasantly surprised. Be prepared to go slow and allow things to develop.

Good luck!

Xileh

I'm going to be starting my prostate adventure soon when the budget allow the purchase, and I am extremely nervous my wife will find out what I'm doing she is very prudish when it comes to sexualety ie, thought doggy style was only for slut until it was the only way we could do it while she was pregnant.. then she really enjoyed it. I have no idea what she would think if I told her I'm purchasing something to insert analy for pleasure... what can I do?

I too have had similar issues. I have struggled with being honest and open with my wife because she is clearly not an avid supporter of my aneros use. To date, I am allowed to pursue my aneros endeavors when she isn't "in the mood". Due to the fact that she feels excluded when I have aneros sessions I recently started trying to get her into pegging but I am not sure how to approach the topic. Does anyone have advice?

liquidflow,

I suggest you check out Ruby_Ryder's website for advice on introducing pegging to your wife.
Good Vibes to You !

I too have had similar issues. I have struggled with being honest and open with my wife because she is clearly not an avid supporter of my aneros use. To date, I am allowed to pursue my aneros endeavors when she isn't "in the mood". Due to the fact that she feels excluded when I have aneros sessions I recently started trying to get her into pegging but I am not sure how to approach the topic. Does anyone have advice?

Does she have any time in which she is allowed to use dildos etc? I think she is a little jealous to find out men are capable of mmo's just like women are.

My wife never masturbates and hates that I do its very annoying how up tight she is.

My wife never masturbates and hates that I do its very annoying how up tight she is.

That's too bad for her, she needs allow you time for you to do it and it
Realise that it's important for some to do it. Why doesn't she do it herself?

You have done nothing wrong. You just were open and sincere with her, and that's a good sign of faithfulness and devotion to her.For some ladies, this type of activity might seem a little weird, or even scare the hell out of them, specially if its something "too new" or "out-of-this-world" for them.
I'm straight, and I have many fetishes that some women just don't like at all (i.e. foot fetish, watersports and latex). I have learned to live with all that, not forcing anyone to do these things with me, i've been put off many times, but i'm always patiently waiting to find someone who might really like to fulfill all these fantasies with me, and to have a happy marriage as well as a great sex life, too. Marriage is a huge commitment, and if you cannot find someone who accepts you for what you really are, as well as your sex fetishes, this is what happens, I suppose. Hence why i'm still blatantly single.
But, anyway. Back to the topic, the more weird thing is that your wife accepts having you occasional sex with mens, but not assisting you, in your journey, with prostate stimulation.My only opinion on the subject is that she sees the Aneros almost as a masturbation-only device, and not as a proper working spicey enhancement to your sex life, therefore her thinking "Then why she needs me, if he can get off by himself", and therefore she does not want to assist you in your journey.
My only tip is to talk about it with her, in a more relaxed way, when you're all alone, maybe when you're having dinner, make her read the forum section for women, here, make her read, also, the medical benefit of prostate stimulation and let her take her time to make up her mind.
When she will be morally and mentally ready to assist you in your journey, she might surprise you, someway.

My wife never masturbates and hates that I do its very annoying how up tight she is.

That's too bad for her, she needs allow you time for you to do it and it
Realise that it's important for some to do it. Why doesn't she do it herself?

She thinks it's dirty idk why she's so arbitrarily closed minded

It would be interesting to know whether 'wife' issues of this thread are from all over or mainly arise in the U.S.

Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice has this sentence: “when her husband was gone to enjoy himself in London or Bath;” - make of it what you wish!

Perhaps we have become unrealistically prudish.

My post is going to be really simple, but may be something to also discuss.

Women can have (at least) two types of orgasms: Clitoral, and G-Spot (also anal, but since she's so against aneros I doubt she receives anal penetration)

Men (assumed by general population) can only have one type of orgasm: Penile.

The male penile orgasm is similar to the female clitoral orgasm (Being that in development the clitoris moves out and turns into a penis).

The male prostate orgasm is similar to the female g-sport orgasm in intensity.

So you can argue that "Why does she get to have g-spot orgasms but you're not allowed to have prostate orgasms?"

It would sorta make sense that the aneros is replacing her IF she currently gives you prostate massage with either her fingers or a strap on, but it's not like you're saying "Now that I have an aneros I don't need to have sex with you"

I doubt if the wife's aversion has less to do(although one can never be sure) with denying the husband pleasure that she herself can receive but more with the unwritten rules of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, i.e. fixed gender roles. Women does the housekeeping, looks after the children, men take out the rubbish take care of technical jobs round the house.
Also sexually there are fixed gender roles and even after rewiring a woman doing the fucking is a huge turn off to me and I can see how women would be turned off by a man who likes being fucked.
And despite the societal pressure put on a man to have a partner or be married and made to feel a complete loser if he doesn't, the single man is obviously free from this fixed gender role because unlike the relationship that forces the male to be active(the female can be only passive) a single male can enjoy both sides.
And of course men in a relationship can as well but would be undermining their commitment IMO also if the gender roles are constantly blurred what is the added value of the male or female sex?